6.25.2017

comfortable.

there's a post-it note on the side of my table that says 'comfort ≠ stability. it is a sign of warning.' it keeps my mind and heart aligned to not feeling complacent or pure contentment that it leads to laziness. it keeps me going.

i pause to re-examine this word today: comfort.

i understand the danger of being complacent. i simply cannot picture my life sitting at the same spot, being happy with doing the same thing. i want to live. i want to be uncomfortable, to seek for a discomfort that will keep growing me.

today, i find myself feeling happy. comfortable, almost. 

friends of mine will know that i cannot stop talking to them about my work. i work in Mossery, a local stationery startup that pushes and drives me beyond what i've ever imagined myself doing. (my friends are probably sick of me talking to them about this by now, so if you're a friend who fits this description, read no more)

i like being here. i really, really like it. and it scares me a little because i've never liked being at one place so much before. i've never felt like i could connect with a physical place, not even home. and i've never known myself to be a nostalgic person, but being in this company has made me more vulnerable and stronger all at once. 

allow me to explain.

1. the people
the essence of my love for Mossery is the people i work with. for almost all of my life, even my closest friends have half-joked with me, telling me not to 'think so much'. i've never felt all happy about this. i've always felt like 'thinking too much' was a horrible, unacceptable thing. and that it destroys me. at Mossery, i was actually told to 'think more'. well, of course, there's the doing part, but i'll talk about that a little later. being here gives me the freedom of talking about the weirdest possible topic. from aliens to Elon Musk to educating the local market on design, it stirs up my mind and lights up all of my neurons like you would see in a movie sequence when a character gets a brilliant idea. i feel like i belong here. (also, something i don't often feel.)

2. the work
i graduated from majoring in English Literature and minoring in Gender Studies. all i knew when i graduated, was that i wanted a job at a company so i could experience the corporate life and working with a team. but the truth was this: i hated any form of corporate jobs, yet i still knew that i had to learn how to work in an office setting to become a normal working person. i wanted that kind of an experience. i also knew i was setting out to write a book, but i didn't know what yet. the work at Mossery is extremely rewarding. i get to do what i love (which is to write, and sometimes, draw too), i get to talk to people (online or at bazaars), i get to have human connections with amazing artists all across the world, and i get to learn a million new things. it's a steep learning curve. it still is. but i love every bit of it. being in Mossery has taught me to not take work for granted, but be so clear and conscious about wanting to be excellent at what i do. 

3. the vision
i love people. five years ago, you may not ever hear me utter these words, but now is now and i will say these words again: i love people. the vision of me being at Mossery is essentially to bring people closer. closer to us, closer to each other, closer to strangers and friends galore. i hope to be able to fulfill this vision every single day. and i love being able to fulfill this vision every day as well. 

maybe the word isn't 'comfortable'. but i'm happy. and i'm scared. that i'm too happy. at one place. that scares me sometimes. like everything's going too right, and although they do go haywire at times, i still feel happy. i've just never felt such a strong feeling of being at a right place in the right time as being in Mossery right now. don't get me wrong, i'm scared for my life every day too—the sensation of never doing quite enough always comes back to haunt me. perhaps i'm living on that strange edge again: where everything can seem quite right even when it isn't.

nonetheless, it scares me. 

but it's alright, i suppose. being happy should be a thing. i just hope i'm not living in my own reality and being stuck here. if i am, please tell me. i would appreciate that a lot. 

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