one year.

approximately a year ago.

this time last year, was the end of my four-day trip in Penang with team Mossery. this was my very first encounter with the team. i was also about to lose my grandpa, as well as witness one of my first international weddings later on. 

many events have taken place in between then and now.

the fact is this: everyone talks about these events, don't they? what has happened, how it has affected them, et cetera. well, here are some things that hasn't quite changed about myself throughout the year: i still feel as unconfident about whatever i am doing sometimes, catching myself feeling like an imposter; i can still get into crazy emotional bouts (though i do acknowledge that i get better at these things); and well, the most infamous one of them all that absolutely everybody and nobody cares about - i'm still single. 

jokes aside, i want to tell you about the things i've learned over the year. 

1. relationships that come and go, as well as those who stay

i've always sucked at managing relationships. i have almost no habit of asking people to go out just so i can get to know them better. i only ask my closest friends to hang out because i know i'll enjoy their company. hence, i'm quite terrible at evolving relationships from being acquaintances to hi-bye friends to actual, problem-sharing friends, unless i truly enjoy their company since day one. 

and i never learn my lesson. in the past year, i've seen many people come and go at Mossery. whether it's my bosses or colleagues' friends whom i'm curious about but pretty much have next to no chance of getting to know more of, to friendships that i somehow manage to miss entirely because i was either too busy being task-focussed or i was just too occupied with trying to read the person. 

i keep telling myself to hang out with different crowds so i can get a chance to get to know different people. but i seem to enjoy getting to know someone at a very deep level more than knowing many people at many different levels. however, i'm thankful that i have a handful of friends whom i've gotten to know through the company who have decided to remain in my life.

2. self-development isn't just about reading all the books

it is, ultimately, about actually developing yourself. the fastest way to learn something new is to actually do it. reading books will help familiarise you with whatever techniques or particular concepts, but if you don't actually do it, you will never know if it works, and you will never really get better at it.

the first step is to always suck at it. nobody is awesome at what they do the first time they do it. there is no such thing as pure talent. people who look like they're gifted are usually the ones who work thrice as hard to hone their craft and skills. what we know as 'talent' comes mostly from hard work and strong discipline.

there are no excuses. there is only doing, and learning by doing.

3. whatever you do, don't hold back

note: this applies to everything except for anger. and any emotions that cause you to decide impulsively. (you must most definitely hold back on those) other than that, do not hold back.

i've learned that if i shy away from sharing my opinions now, either someone else will share it and it will seem like i have no ideas and i add no value whatsoever, or i will regret it later because we'll make some kind of mistake that has to do with the unspoken issue.

one of my values this year is to identify problems and solve them head-on. i have a terrible habit of 'neverminding' problems. 'it's okay, it'll all come around eventually' is not the kind of attitude one should have when you're called to be a problem-solver.

i've learned to run towards the problem rather than away from it and waiting for someone else whom i think is 'more skilled' to solve it.

4. die to the self, depend on God

it's really easy to depend on all the knowledge and experiences you have to move forward. it's logic. it's common sense. well, not exactly. especially if you already know God. He asks you to trust Him and silly little human you will go 'what?! You're asking me to trust You with all this money at stake?'

this is the creator of the Universe we're talking about. the One who is unchanging yesterday, today, and forevermore. this is what i said to Him, probably. so many times i shrunk away from trusting Him because i thought i could, i could do this and i could do that.

but what i do see now is this: He can. He has promised that He will and so He shall.

written in one breath again. i really should edit my work.

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