What I Learned from Fasting for 21 Days

Almost every year since I've accepted Christ into my life, I participate in a 21-day fast and prayer organised by my church that occurs before Easter. It's a time when I surrender what's important to me—what seems to be fueling me from day to day—to consciously make time for God. The whole point is to learn how to rely on God more than the things that seem to keep us going (like food and coffee, etc).

Here's how my fast looked like this year:

• I did a version of a 7AM - 7PM fast. Instead of 7AM, i would begin my fast at around 8 or 9AM, depending on when I've eaten breakfast, then breaking fast at 7PM. I didn't have any food or water within these hours.
• For the rest of the day, I also refrained from drinking coffee and eating desserts. 
• I also had the choice to fast non-food items that were equally as important to me, so I fasted social media (Instagram, Facebook, Twitter) and Netflix.

disclaimer: I choose my type of fasting based on what I did the year before—usually one level harder, to make sure that it's not something I'm accustomed to, or rather, something easy. Because then I would just end up relying on myself.

So, here's what i learned from fasting for 21 days:

1. I don't actually like reading the books I have
   This was one of the things I realised really early on during my fast. Since I couldn't watch shows on Netflix, I had to find other things to do, so the first place I looked was in my bookshelf, and I powered through my comics really quickly. Then it dawned upon me: I had been buying books out of guilt.
   
   Specifically, the guilt of having to be "the literature graduate". I collected a number of literary classics and canons with the thought of I should be reading this, but because I wasn't 100% interested in them in the first place, they were just left in my bookshelves. I promised myself to start buying books that I would love to finish at least once.



2. I haven't been using my time wisely
   Sundays felt like a complete void. I couldn't hang out with friends because it would mean spending time together eating something, and I couldn't watch movies on Netflix to pass the time either. I realised I had been spending a lot of time just being idle or distracted.
   
   Weeknights were the same too—I had been spending hours every night just scrolling past things I barely cared about, just because it was a thing to do.



3. I've been trying to numb myself
   This one comes as no surprise to me. I know that I've always used any forms of media as an excuse to numb myself from thinking or feeling stuff. Without these distractions, I was forced to face whatever was on my mind and in my heart. I tried to take more time to reflect, to pray, to think and feel deeply.



4. I've forgotten how to deal with boredom
   Here's my choice of poison when it comes to dealing with boredom: binge-eating and binge-watching series. When I ran out of interesting books to read and became extremely bored, everything became uninteresting. Painting, drawing, writing—it all felt too difficult of a task to even start.
   
   I was so used to passively feeding myself with information, that I've forgotten how to churn them out. I realised that so many of us are living like this, and creativity found it hard to flow because we didn't allow for ourselves to do "harder things".



5. Why do I even post on social media?
   This became practically the thought that plagued me over the 21 days. I realised people were posting about their lives all the time because everything has become so disposable and quickly forgotten. Nothing lasts on social media, and nothing seems to be treasured, even though we continue to fill our collections with things that seem to reserve a special place in our devices.
   
   I suddenly realised that I had been, like most people, posting on social media because everyone else was on it. I didn't have a solid reason to be on it for so many hours on end. I'm not an influencer with a job on social media. To my own disappointment, neither am I sharing particularly inspiring messages with the world as I've set out to. I was just... there.

Fasting taught me about time. Prayer taught me about being quiet with God. Being still. Doing the fast and prayer this year has changed my perspective on social media and books quite a bit. I'm happy to report to you (and myself) that though I still find myself scrolling through Instagram mindlessly these days, I have been reading a lot more than I did last year, and I'm making it a point to record the number of books I've bought and read too. (It's at around 15 books now!)

What are your thoughts on fasting? Would you ever give it a go?

Words - Guardian: The Lonely and Great God

after finishing Coffee Prince and Pasta, i kept coming back to the beautiful words in Guardian: The Lonely and Great God or in short, Goblin / Dokkaebi.

they came mostly in the form of Kim Shin's monologues. even though he was always described to be a lowly warrior, i love that his character has a background in literature. i guess immortality really gave him time to brush up on how he articulated his thoughts and feelings.

(of course, beyond the world of Goblin, we'd also have to give credits to Kim Sook for writing amazing lines! i found out very recently that she also wrote The Descendants of the Sun—another crazy hit of a Korean drama.)


here's my favourite:

Life is walking up to me. Death is walking up to me.
From life to death, you walk up to me tirelessly.
Then I say something like this:
“I’m not in sorrow. This is good enough. It has to be."

the moment the Goblin realised that Eun Tak is really his bride, he panicked and thought about how he still wanted to live. out of the massive confusion, he realised that his will to live has shifted from a sheer desire of survival to the fact that he has fallen in love with this girl, who was full of hope.

this was what he thought when he saw her walking towards him. it was a deep revelation that he made continually to himself. it's tragically beautiful, because Eun Tak represents literally both life and death in this situation — on one hand becoming his sole reason to live, and on the other becoming the only end to his eternal punishment.

it's my favourite, because as the Goblin realised that he was caught in this place, he found the best in her joy, both in wanting to live and die for her.


and then there's this:

One day after a hundred years, when the weather is good enough,
I hope I will be able to tell [you, you are my] first love.
I ask above for permission. 

(But) not today.
It’s too nice out. I want to take a walk with you.
It’s nice talking a walk with you.
The weather stinks today. I’ll need to pick you up later.
It’s nice picking you up.
Tomorrow. One more day. Just one more day…
It’s nice looking at you.
What about today?

it started with truth. a very solemn truth that he told himself, hoping that he could tell Eun Tak one day. but as he faced Eun Tak in reality, he started to make up excuses that are made up of smaller truths. because it really was nice doing all these things with her. it was too soon for her to pull the sword out of his chest, for everything to end.

and with every excuse, he revealed his fondness towards her. it's nice, it's nice, it's nice. the repetition of these words reflected how much he wanted to spend all his days ('not today', 'one more day') with her. he never did get tired of repeating himself.

also, this:

Every moment I spent with you… shined.
Because the weather was good,
because the weather was bad,
and because the weather was good enough.
I loved every moment of it.
Even now, you shine brilliantly.

this is the best summary of Ji Eun Tak's character.

it sounds awfully cheesy, but if you watched the whole series, you'd understand why this made such an impact on the Goblin. i like that he used the word 'shined' because that's what she did. it's not like she didn't get sad or didn't feel pain, but every time she did, she was resilient. it was painful, but with a lot of strength and determination, she knew she would be able to get back up again. nothing was quite impossible for Ji Eun Tak.

for a normal series, her character might be deemed too perfect but in this fantasy genre, i think it tipped the scales just right. she was what we all—the audience as well as the characters—needed. a shock of hope that always comes through at the darkest hour.

i also loved that the Goblin often contrasted her with seemingly mundane, everyday happenings. the weather is a common topic that repeats in many of his lines with her. along with his immortality, he's come to appreciate the smallest changes in life, even something as boring as the weather.

lastly:

I’m saying this because today is just about right.
I’m saying this because you’re still shining.
I’m saying this because you were that first love.
On another day that’s just about right,
will you be my bride?

there are a lot of parallel lines written in this series. the couples often mirror one another (this is a lot more obvious between the Goblin couple) with their words, highlighting the fact that they were always paying attention to what they said to one another.

i love this as part of the ending because the Goblin repeated his own words from the past to form sentences with new meanings. from the poem about the weather being 'just right', to 'shining' Eun Tak, to his 'first love', he segues into 'another day' where he makes his proposal to her, for her to marry him, all while tracing back the tiniest elements in their time together.

all in all, this series is an exceptionally beautiful one. if you love fantasy, a good forbidden kind of love story, and you don't mind the extremely slow pacing in certain episodes, i would highly recommend this! honestly i've found so little to nitpick, aside from the pacing, haha. if you want to know more about what i thought, you can read my full review on this series here! (fair warning: spoilers ahead.)

Things Only Happen Once.

I had a revelation recently. Something that you may have already had the privilege of realising far earlier than I have, but I will share my thoughts nonetheless.

It is that things only happen exactly once.

If you think carefully about it, every breath you take is unique.
Every time you think about something, you think about it a little bit differently.
Every time you spend time doing something that is routine, there is bound to be something that is different from the last time you did it.

Can you feel the weight of it yet?

No?

Well, let me explain.

This phenomenon is known more commonly as Time. Every second that passes by is literally unable to return to us. Time is something we can never expect to get returns from. All of us are at the mercy of Time, blooming as we become adults, decaying as we grow old—whichever it is. We are not God; we cannot exist beyond Time, hence we must live through it, on a straight path, only moving forward and physically unable to move backward in Time.

This means that every time you get something done, it will be done in that exact manner once.

You will breathe a certain way, smell a certain fragrance, hear certain sounds, see certain sights, and complete that task in a very specific way.

The next time you write an essay, you might hold the pencil at a very slightly different angle. Slight, but different nonetheless. The next time you go swimming, your swimsuit will catch on a different part of your body. A varying number of hairs will fall from your head each day. You will taste exactly that amount of tastes in that day—no more, no less, and it continues to change each day.

Change is the only constant.
It's true.

But something that is truer than that, is that times are always changing.

Can you feel the weight of it yet?

Yes?

Then perhaps it's time to reflect on each moment. To never take things for granted to as far as we can remember, for we are human and we forget. To always remember to live in the present, fully, without a doubt. To continuously remind ourselves to do exactly that. To know that every moment, though different, is beautiful and made beautiful in its own time.

Things only happen once.

Watch as they go.
Feel as they come.
Try to hold on, but let go as they pass.

Review - Guardian: The Lonely and Great God

The lead cast of Goblin, from left to right: Lee Dong Wook, Yoo In Na, Yook Sung Jae, Gong Yoo, Kim Go Eun.

A Summary

when you choose to watch a k-drama, you are automatically signing up for a bucket of cheeseball moments, slow-motion multi-angled scenes involving snowfall, rainfall, or even petal-fall of characters looking at each other, as well as a lot of crying (more so by the characters than me, in this case).

this series was recently up on Netflix, and i've heard so much about it since it ended, so i decided to give it a watch. i was mostly curious about the Grim Reaper's arc, and having a familiar face (Gong Yoo) definitely helped me navigate through this series. also—this is, i believe, the first time i've ever completed a Korean drama series! woah.

Guardian: The Lonely and Great God (this is the official English title, but i'll be referring to the series as Goblin) is a 16-episode series about Korean folklore concerning the deities and supernatural moments incorporated into a love story.

Favourite Things 

Overall concept
i loved every bit of this fantasy genre! the transition from the old Korean dynasty timeline up till a modern-day tale of the gods was smooth and explained thoroughly. i especially loved each character’s introduction and how we’re directly peering into these deities with specific backstories and functions, as well as a dash of mystery that you need to stay on to find out about.

the Grim Reaper's tea house with an exceptional array of tea cups.

i was most curious about the grim reaper story when i first watched Goblin, and it certainly did not disappoint me. the concept is very well-thought-out, with complete reasons to support the punishment as a grim reaper, as well as how they do their jobs to guide people through their deaths. i loved the details behind the tea house and even the yearning for an identity.

the only thing i didn’t like was the Grim Reaper’s kiss. it was conveniently written in to return a person their past life’s memories, ensuring that Wang Yeo and Sunny had their moment. it came out of nowhere, but it’s something i’m willing to overlook since everything else was so cleverly-written.

Nothing is an accident
the entire plot and story felt very carefully tied together for the most part. a lot of characters that didn’t seem important at first were brought into light and made prominent later on to justify their presence. i was very impressed by this.

timelines were carefully curated and we see how the Goblin’s actions keep bringing himself the same consequences — like taking away Tae Hee’s piano but he ends up in Eun Tak’s life for a short while as a love interest. It’s brilliant.

my favourite moment was how Eun Tak finally died / left her first life. the fact that the Almighty couldn’t foresee her death was epic; she made her own choice to die and save the children. the story reveals that humans have some power over gods to decide their own fates. this was beautifully done.

Exceptional casting
all characters were casted SO WELL. I am so impressed! from the lead characters to even the child actors and actresses, everyone played their roles so wonderfully. some of my favourite side characters and arcs include The Almighty Deok Hwa, Creator Unnammed Red Lady, childhood first love Tae Hee, and CEO Kim.

although the side characters had very little screen time compared to the lead characters, their presence was so full of wonder i could not help but to love the entire series even more. even antagonists such as Kim Joong Heon, the aunt’s family, and the gangsters who kidnapped Eun Tak, they were all amazingly casted for their small yet significant roles.

the grand moment of reveal for The Almighty Deok Hwa.

my favourite side story has got to be The Almighty Deok Hwa. something was very off when he mentioned that Kim Sun is Kim Shin’s sister in his past life, and it was immediately revealed afterward that the Almighty had been using Deok Hwa, slipping in and out of the characters’ lives without them noticing. It’s a lovely touch because it shows me that God can be close to us, even when we think He’s far away from us.

Things I Wish that Could Have Been Better

The ending
it was way too rushed especially for Sunny and Wang Yeo’s arc. only one time change was stated in the last episode: 30 years later (if i’m not wrong) and everybody’s ageing seems to have messed up. CEO Kim is in his 60s but Lee Hyuk and Sunny come back as their previous mid-30s ages?

even the waiting done by the Goblin himself seemed really lacklustre, in contrast with the 9 years of walking in the snow. when she returned as a Korean student visiting Canada, it didn’t feel as satisfying to me.

Pacing and timing 
some scenes are unnecessarily prolonged. i understand when it happens with the romantic scenes, but i was really confused why the first episode took so long! Kim Shin’s backstory was superbly interesting to peer into, but the boat scene was way too long and he didn’t even save his kid servant on screen in the end. sheesh.

yes, the scene was to show how powerful he was as a god with his new-found powers, but i still think it could have been done a lot better. poor pacing of the show means that all those extra time taken to do slomo multi-angle snowfall / petals fall scenes could have been used more wisely to put in more story or to pace something else better.


Sunny and Wang Yeo’s arc
there were SO. MANY. BREAKUPS. i was so confused by these two. yes, i get that their story is an epic tragedy of misery and love, but every awkward meet-up would eventually lead to the end of the relationship. Sunny would continually break up with the Grim Reaper and they’d all just be very sad. at some point i stopped cheering for them even though i really wanted them to come together. i was so tired of it (like Sunny was) and wished that the pacing for these two characters could have been better.

i think Sunny’s character was written off quite conveniently. i was very curious as to what life did she live for 30 years without Wang Yeo. did she have to go through the same heartbreak each day like he did? did she live a happy life like Kim Shin hoped for her to do? we weren’t shown any of these and Wang Yeo just meets her as his last job being a grim reaper.

the loveable Ji Eun Tak—fearless and full of hope.

Unexpectedly Enjoyable

Leading female
Eun-Tak is a happy-go-lucky teenage girl who seems undefeated by any hardships or challenges. i was contemplating whether or not to write her off as a two-dimensional character that seemed too good to be true, but i was, almost always, hooked on her joy and light like Kim Shin was, so i have to commend the writers for doing a pretty good job.

in spite of the tough life she had to endure, she was always full of hope. i can relate to her because she was the girl next door who had normal looks. (i love cheering for underdogs) she wasn’t Yoo In Na: shockingly beautiful and always charming. honestly, i found it hard to relate to Sunny because of her good looks.

i was very captivated by Kim Go Eun’s performance as Eun Tak. she truly shined in every moment. even at her saddest, she was cheering others up. even in her pain, she was bringing people through their own sorrows. she was strong not just in the sense that she put others’ needs before her own, but also because she often felt these feelings strongly herself.

my favourite moment of her was when she finally regained her memories, was crying her eyeballs out and screaming on the streets that she missed the Goblin. i think she really deserved that moment. after having to comfort the Goblin, the Grim Reaper, and practically everyone around her, she could finally say that for herself. i was so happy when Kim Shin appeared to hug her!

Eun-Tak’s presence is what made the series much more grounded, believable, and realistic. she’s the core reason why Goblin is such a great series—i could imagine myself in Eun-Tak’s place quite easily, rather than just watching the story from afar.

Kim Shin's enjoyable but not-so-justifiable shy moments.

Not Sure If

Out of character-ness
Kim Shin is a formidable war hero from Goryeo. Yes, he’s had 900 years to get to know himself a lot better, but i find it hard to believe that he’s never fallen in love before. was he so consumed from the death of his people and the betrayal of his king that he only spent time with the Yoo family, his servants all this time?

yes, i’m talking about the handful of moments where he would think “she said ‘my man’” or “she said “married woman’” and giggle giddily after. it’s incredibly adorable to watch Gong Yoo act this out, but i honestly don’t think it’s very realistic and in character for Kim Shin. i suppose it fed into the fan service quota that the audience needed. meh.

i guess to me, the most acceptable cute moments were when Kim Shin was bickering with the Grim Reaper. that was a really good plot device to build up that relationship to eventually reveal that the Grim Reaper was Wang Yeo. their funny moments then became a part of his struggle, completely justifying those cute moments that we all enjoyed.

TL;DR / The Verdict

Would I watch it again? 
yes. it’s a surprisingly philosophical k-drama that touches on important topics such as death and life. i love how profound it gets in spite of all the cheesy scenes where i get really impatient and just want them to get on with it.

Why? 
i love the fantasy genre, this series did not overdo the love parts, the characters are very well-casted and formed, and my heart belongs to Gong Yoo. simple.

Would you recommend it to others? 
yes. as i’ve mentioned before, this is my first time finishing a K-drama. i honestly enjoyed the fantasy genre a lot and that helped me get through the usual k-drama bits.

P/S: i'd love to write about the philosophical aspects of this series. 'til next time!

you don't have to be happy all the time.

it's okay to have mixed feelings about your job.

i say this because i started out at a place where i really loved what i was doing. i thought i was incredibly lucky to be doing something i absolutely loved and was half-fearful that this joy would one day slip away.

true enough (like many other things in life), the joy did go. i couldn't figure out why i was unhappy with my job, or bored, or tired, or frustrated, but i was no longer happy 100% of the time. i just wasn't. above all, i couldn't understand why i wasn't happy like i was from before. i had a hard time coping with the fact that things change, and time moves forward, and sometimes things just can't go back to the way it was.

what's not okay, though, is to complain about your job. (or anything at all, but since we're on the topic of work, i'll talk specifically about that)

i spiraled into a series of complaints and victimisation of myself. i blamed others for the situation i was in, the range of emotions i felt, and the hurt i had to go through. it wasn't pretty at all. and to be really honest with you, some parts of me are still stuck in this spiraling abyss. i'm still tempted to put the blame on someone else, because it's easy. but it's not okay. i hurt people in the process. friends and family who loved and cared about me got some edge of my blunt sword. it was not okay at all.

it's okay to have mixed feelings about your job.
talk about it to process your thoughts. try to observe your words, your emotions, and the way you react to things, especially with whatever that's bothering you more than usual. the most important thing you can do in a time like this is to process your thoughts and feelings. you can lick your wounds, you can also occasionally question your situation, but try to steer away from complaining excessively. it really doesn't help.

my point is this: it's okay to have mixed feelings about anything you think you used to enjoy doing. 
feelings are fleeting. things change. time moves forward. nothing stays quite the same over time. this thing you have, it might still be of importance to you even though you're not as happy about it anymore. you don't have to feel happy about it all the time. take some time off to really ask yourself how did you get here in the first place. understand your process, you might just find something rather valuable as compared to joy.

just a little jaded.

There are still parts of myself that I recognise.
The swinging hips that are strong and confident, knowing where they belong.
The straight, black hair that hides strands of wisdom.
The hands that consist of anxiety-bitten nails but always soft and warm to hold.
The ankle-less calves I’ve never quite liked, but have come to call my own.
The angular jaw that is unmistakably me, something I got from my dad.

Then, there are parts that I don’t.
Darker under-eye circles that are destined to layer on top of each other, eyes heavily laced with fatigue, lips that found a way to stay shut even when my mind was a pounding jackhammer, a hunched back, scars that are adding on daily to my legs from being picked out of anxiety and boredom.

Be back soon. Promise.

one year.

approximately a year ago.

this time last year, was the end of my four-day trip in Penang with team Mossery. this was my very first encounter with the team. i was also about to lose my grandpa, as well as witness one of my first international weddings later on. 

many events have taken place in between then and now.

the fact is this: everyone talks about these events, don't they? what has happened, how it has affected them, et cetera. well, here are some things that hasn't quite changed about myself throughout the year: i still feel as unconfident about whatever i am doing sometimes, catching myself feeling like an imposter; i can still get into crazy emotional bouts (though i do acknowledge that i get better at these things); and well, the most infamous one of them all that absolutely everybody and nobody cares about - i'm still single. 

jokes aside, i want to tell you about the things i've learned over the year. 

1. relationships that come and go, as well as those who stay

i've always sucked at managing relationships. i have almost no habit of asking people to go out just so i can get to know them better. i only ask my closest friends to hang out because i know i'll enjoy their company. hence, i'm quite terrible at evolving relationships from being acquaintances to hi-bye friends to actual, problem-sharing friends, unless i truly enjoy their company since day one. 

and i never learn my lesson. in the past year, i've seen many people come and go at Mossery. whether it's my bosses or colleagues' friends whom i'm curious about but pretty much have next to no chance of getting to know more of, to friendships that i somehow manage to miss entirely because i was either too busy being task-focussed or i was just too occupied with trying to read the person. 

i keep telling myself to hang out with different crowds so i can get a chance to get to know different people. but i seem to enjoy getting to know someone at a very deep level more than knowing many people at many different levels. however, i'm thankful that i have a handful of friends whom i've gotten to know through the company who have decided to remain in my life.

2. self-development isn't just about reading all the books

it is, ultimately, about actually developing yourself. the fastest way to learn something new is to actually do it. reading books will help familiarise you with whatever techniques or particular concepts, but if you don't actually do it, you will never know if it works, and you will never really get better at it.

the first step is to always suck at it. nobody is awesome at what they do the first time they do it. there is no such thing as pure talent. people who look like they're gifted are usually the ones who work thrice as hard to hone their craft and skills. what we know as 'talent' comes mostly from hard work and strong discipline.

there are no excuses. there is only doing, and learning by doing.

3. whatever you do, don't hold back

note: this applies to everything except for anger. and any emotions that cause you to decide impulsively. (you must most definitely hold back on those) other than that, do not hold back.

i've learned that if i shy away from sharing my opinions now, either someone else will share it and it will seem like i have no ideas and i add no value whatsoever, or i will regret it later because we'll make some kind of mistake that has to do with the unspoken issue.

one of my values this year is to identify problems and solve them head-on. i have a terrible habit of 'neverminding' problems. 'it's okay, it'll all come around eventually' is not the kind of attitude one should have when you're called to be a problem-solver.

i've learned to run towards the problem rather than away from it and waiting for someone else whom i think is 'more skilled' to solve it.

4. die to the self, depend on God

it's really easy to depend on all the knowledge and experiences you have to move forward. it's logic. it's common sense. well, not exactly. especially if you already know God. He asks you to trust Him and silly little human you will go 'what?! You're asking me to trust You with all this money at stake?'

this is the creator of the Universe we're talking about. the One who is unchanging yesterday, today, and forevermore. this is what i said to Him, probably. so many times i shrunk away from trusting Him because i thought i could, i could do this and i could do that.

but what i do see now is this: He can. He has promised that He will and so He shall.

written in one breath again. i really should edit my work.

comfortable.

there's a post-it note on the side of my table that says 'comfort ≠ stability. it is a sign of warning.' it keeps my mind and heart aligned to not feeling complacent or pure contentment that it leads to laziness. it keeps me going.

i pause to re-examine this word today: comfort.

i understand the danger of being complacent. i simply cannot picture my life sitting at the same spot, being happy with doing the same thing. i want to live. i want to be uncomfortable, to seek for a discomfort that will keep growing me.

today, i find myself feeling happy. comfortable, almost. 

friends of mine will know that i cannot stop talking to them about my work. i work in Mossery, a local stationery startup that pushes and drives me beyond what i've ever imagined myself doing. (my friends are probably sick of me talking to them about this by now, so if you're a friend who fits this description, read no more)

i like being here. i really, really like it. and it scares me a little because i've never liked being at one place so much before. i've never felt like i could connect with a physical place, not even home. and i've never known myself to be a nostalgic person, but being in this company has made me more vulnerable and stronger all at once. 

allow me to explain.

1. the people
the essence of my love for Mossery is the people i work with. for almost all of my life, even my closest friends have half-joked with me, telling me not to 'think so much'. i've never felt all happy about this. i've always felt like 'thinking too much' was a horrible, unacceptable thing. and that it destroys me. at Mossery, i was actually told to 'think more'. well, of course, there's the doing part, but i'll talk about that a little later. being here gives me the freedom of talking about the weirdest possible topic. from aliens to Elon Musk to educating the local market on design, it stirs up my mind and lights up all of my neurons like you would see in a movie sequence when a character gets a brilliant idea. i feel like i belong here. (also, something i don't often feel.)

2. the work
i graduated from majoring in English Literature and minoring in Gender Studies. all i knew when i graduated, was that i wanted a job at a company so i could experience the corporate life and working with a team. but the truth was this: i hated any form of corporate jobs, yet i still knew that i had to learn how to work in an office setting to become a normal working person. i wanted that kind of an experience. i also knew i was setting out to write a book, but i didn't know what yet. the work at Mossery is extremely rewarding. i get to do what i love (which is to write, and sometimes, draw too), i get to talk to people (online or at bazaars), i get to have human connections with amazing artists all across the world, and i get to learn a million new things. it's a steep learning curve. it still is. but i love every bit of it. being in Mossery has taught me to not take work for granted, but be so clear and conscious about wanting to be excellent at what i do. 

3. the vision
i love people. five years ago, you may not ever hear me utter these words, but now is now and i will say these words again: i love people. the vision of me being at Mossery is essentially to bring people closer. closer to us, closer to each other, closer to strangers and friends galore. i hope to be able to fulfill this vision every single day. and i love being able to fulfill this vision every day as well. 

maybe the word isn't 'comfortable'. but i'm happy. and i'm scared. that i'm too happy. at one place. that scares me sometimes. like everything's going too right, and although they do go haywire at times, i still feel happy. i've just never felt such a strong feeling of being at a right place in the right time as being in Mossery right now. don't get me wrong, i'm scared for my life every day too—the sensation of never doing quite enough always comes back to haunt me. perhaps i'm living on that strange edge again: where everything can seem quite right even when it isn't.

nonetheless, it scares me. 

but it's alright, i suppose. being happy should be a thing. i just hope i'm not living in my own reality and being stuck here. if i am, please tell me. i would appreciate that a lot. 

Sunday musings.

two things today:

 1. it's easy to focus on results.

in a time when highlight reels of other people's lives carry the immense possibility of obliterating joy and inducing envy, it's really easy to just focus on the results. it's easy to hear good news and react like this: why do good things only happen to others? we lose sight of the grueling processes that people go through to achieve these results. we play ignorance to the fact that the friend who suddenly looks attractively fit is because they had been paying off the hours at the gym every single morning. we place all of our focus on the singular outcome that is seen by the eye. we subconsciously or consciously pretend that the people around us never had to go through stuff we do to achieve their wondrous results - whether it's scoring an A or getting to travel halfway across the world.

it's easy, so, i had to mentally slap myself this morning for focusing on the results.

empathy is an important tool in these situations. put yourself in the other person's shoes. experience what they've experienced to have come down to this single point. a gold medal was not earned from being happy and comfortable all of your days - hard work, pain, injuries, sleepless nights, emotional breakdowns, long chats about dreams and hopes and passion and desires, and more, are the ingredients to a gold medal. same to everything else. nothing just happens. everything comes in a process. be aware of it. your process will carry results too. you're just still in the process right now. focus on your process. give your best. your time will come. and even if it doesn't, acknowledge all of the lessons you've learned in the process and apply them to future processes. rinse and repeat.

2. breaking down big tasks into smaller ones. push yourself.

i went running/jogging/walking with my friends these evening. i had come home from church and was dozing off multiple times in the afternoon while i was typing on my phone. (literally nodding away and to the point of even almost dropping my phone) so i took a nap with incredibly restless sleep - i knew i was dreaming the moment i lied down. i woke up late to a number of missed calls from my friend, but pushed myself to get out of bed (in spite of being late) to go for that run anyways.

during the run, i knew i was not physically fit at all, so i ran for the first 1.5km and slowed down to a walk. halfway through, i was really tempted to give up and just walked the whole way. it was something i knew i could do. strangely enough, i began to set small goals for myself and pushed myself to go back to that slow jog anyways, however long i was able to keep that up. i was telling myself things like "if you could run to that bush, you can run to that streetlight. if you can run to that streetlight, you can run to that bench." every milestone was only a few steps away from each other, but i found it much easier to push myself like this than looking at completing a 4km run.

4km sounded big to me. running to the bench/street lamp/rocks was not. small tasks and goals work. just keep doing the little things and soon, you'll realise that you're getting big things done.

(i completed the run with a lot of hiccups and pauses in between, switching from running to jogging to walking to jogging and walking again, but i made myself finish it nonetheless. bonus: having supportive friends really help too.)

let's go, 2017.

the last time i wrote here, it was about the difficulty of adjusting to a working adult's life. four months have passed since i last posted here, and it's the new year now. since then, i've officially landed myself a full-time job; aged significantly (mentally, as that's what working at Mossery does to you) yet somehow still retained my rather annoying (to others) energetic self; felt far away from the church, missed it dearly, came back and still felt a bit of a distance but am eternally thankful for friends whom i can pick up a conversation with at any given time; and got into no relationships (no duh).

so, here's a brief list of what i've done this year. not because everyone is doing it, but because i want to document it and look back at it one day. also because i have pretty awful memory.

in no particular order:

1. worked with Sketch Post. from smaller, private functions to massive illustrated boards sent to the US for a convention, and having eaten at Nobu KL this year plus a few other fancy places without actually realising the incredible quality of food at the given moment. (also tried quinoa for the first time. i quite liked it.)


2. interview with Mossery for my academic internship there and eventually interning + working with them. 


• spent four days pre-actual-internship at Penang with Jun, Vivian, and Saloni. it was definitely the most interesting way to start my internship experience.
• learned heaps over the course of 6 months (internship + probation) - from the creative to the technical sides of everything at work.
• hung out way too much with my colleagues talking about death, outer space, aliens, among other things.
• learned a little bit of everything: coding, illustrator, photography, etc. hoping to learn more this year and master some skills!
• three times to Singapore this year with the team, and every time was a unique experience.
• brought the entire team to watch Esther, and the supper that followed after was a very interesting conversation i can never quite forget. (:
• had (and am still having) incredibly up-close and honest relationships with people at work. if it wasn't for people who are brave enough to be honest with me, i would not be a better person, nor would i be consciously working on myself. grateful.


3. worked freelance very very briefly and earning my first thousand bucks from a single job.


4. first time going to Indonesia to attend my first international wedding (:


5. The Sam Willows concert at The Bee, watched Into The Woods (live musical), saw Saturday Afternoon live a couple of times, went for The Impatient Sisters' music video launch, etc.


6. directed a full-fledged play on campus. incredibly grateful for people who are talented, teachable, and infinitely helpful with all things. even when i didn't openly ask for help, the community just came to assist. also performed a song live at the end of both nights of the show.


7. volunteered to teach 6-year-old kids graphic recording / sketch-noting over a period of 6 weeks during their once-a-week after-school extra class.


8. lost my grandpa (mom's dad).


9. chalked an entire wall in my church premise, also chalked my front porch. fell in love with chalk quite a bit. hoping to explore this medium a lot more this year.


10. The Last One Awake's intimate album listening party. i was surprised why i was even invited. gasp.


11. talked about priorities and responsibilities in church towards the end of the year and decided to let go of some stuff i had taken part in. it was tough, but i knew i had to let go before everything went to ruins with me not focussing on helping out at all. 


12. met amazing talents in person whom i never quite thought would come across - Angelyn, Marissa, Christian, Kevin Hagino, Si Hui, Shannon, just to name a few.


13. graduated from university, after 4 years of studying Literature and Gender Studies. i miss the ever-enriching discussions in class about all things human. 
• also did a graduation photoshoot with my friends from Bitesize Visuals!


14. worked with Idea Ink briefly as well - the Millenial 20-20 event was a definite eye-opener to graphic recording and honing my skills in that area particularly.


15. brother got married. woohoo!


16. got my first ever fountain pen from Jun and Vivian for my birthday this year. also got mutiple-layered surprises from my friends who knew i hated large crowds. i felt immensely loved this year on my birthday, and was grateful for every single person who bothered to wish me well.

2017 is a year of seeking discomfort for me. i've been running away from many problems in the past years, and though i tell others to be honest, i haven't been quite honest with myself entirely. we choose things to talk about, to see, to hear, to process, and we filter the rest to be archived forever. this year, i want to live an unfiltered life. i want to be straight-up honest with myself - whether it's in how bad i write, or how much i want to buy a silly thing because it makes me happy - i want to be completely honest. i want to make things because i want to, i want to be happy because it makes me happy, and i want to follow God because He's given me life.

some things i want to focus more on this year:

1. identify problems and solve them head on, instead of pretending that they're not there.
• i realised towards the end of the year that i had a terrible habit of pretending that problems aren't really there, especially if they're smallish problems that doesn't seem to be causing any harm or damage. i'm going to learn to speak up on these little things, because i've said it myself so many times that the little things matter the most.


2. believe in others and your(my)self.
• give the benefit of doubt to others. love my neighbour as myself. stretching on love rather than passing judgment. 


3. be involved.
• another bad habit i noticed is that i tend to shrink back and do nothing when i see others be involved. this is true in leadership terms. i'm the kind of person who balances out the atmosphere, so if someone else is loud, i'll speak less. if someone else is leading the team very apparently, i'll stand back. i think being less involved made me a passive leader, and as much as i believe that every leader has a style of their own, i also believe that if i push myself to get involved in different activities, i stand an equal chance in growing as well.


4. don't hold back.
• this one's a dangerous one, because it might wear me out. another habit to kill is the spirit of procrastination. i tend to avoid doing things that require more effort than i had expected, and i want to go against that current this year. be extra bold, extra courageous, extra crazy, and push myself all the way. rest is important, but this year is about getting productive (not busy!) in everything i am called to do.

change only happens when action is taken.

no empty words this year. embrace change.

(no) time.

(no) time to eat,
(no) time to sleep,
(no) time to hang out with friends. 

(no) time to love,
(no) time to care,
(no) time to think about what's really right for the world. 

(no) time to read,
(no) time to know,
(no) time to live for the now. 

(no) time to live,
(no) time to live,
(no) time to live,
(no) time
(no) 

remember to live.

Just a short poem to remind me about living. i'm still in the middle of sorting things out and figuring out what to prioritize and what not to. Perhaps one of the toughest things to do right now is to actually wake up/stay awake to get stuff done. I want to do so many things - read, write, draw, watch movies, watch series, help people, volunteer, learn new things, travel, make a change; I have too long of a list to cross off.

I feel like I'm heading into a crisis. But we're all always in the middle of something big, aren't we? Sometimes we just don't know yet.

Amidst the chaos, the weariness, the exhaustion, the ever-changing winds of the days, remember always to think of your neighbour, of the person next to you. no matter how much time you've run out for yourself, don't exchange it for someone else's. be kind at every opportunity possible.

thoughts #10: settle down.

i think i talk about home quite a bit.

(side note: New Age Creators is one of my favorite things to watch on Youtube now. setting privilege aside, it's just a channel for a bunch of twenty-somethings talking and filming honestly about how they feel and whatever their lives are. it's one of the least pretentious twenty-something partially-vlog-styled i've come across.)

i once told people that although i have a physical house and i live with my family, i've never had a strong connection to somewhere i call home. unlike Penangites, unlike people who come from abroad, unlike friends who experience homesickness. i find myself to be someone who can quite easily just let go of past ties and move on.

or perhaps i just haven't been far away enough yet. for almost all of my life, i've stayed with my parents, but the times that i don't, i've actually enjoyed those experiences thoroughly. there hasn't been times when i've had severe breakdowns from feeling homesick yet, so i've deduced that either A) i haven't been far away long enough or B) i simply do not relate strongly with a single concept of home.

so... my friend told me that she and our mutual friend both thought that this city would not be a place they would want to settle down in.

'settle down'.

the only time i actually hear those words coming out from the mouth of someone my age is when i listen to Gentle Bones/Joel Tan's song of the same title.

which by the way, is brilliant.

i come from the big city, and i've gotten almost completely used to people coming and going, arriving and departing at this point of my life. it was a little strange when people started leaving this tiny little part of my world when i finished high school and i heard of friends or classmates going abroad to study, but it became my new normal. people come. people go. i get it. i get really good with goodbyes--though awkward, still, but i become almost emotionally detached when people tell me they're leaving. unless of course, they're really close friends.

but otherwise, go. go chase your dreams. go study abroad. go live your life. you deserve it.
(and i mean this in the sincerest of ways!)

i also come from a not-very-Asian Asian family. my parents have always vaguely wanted me to achieve success, earn a stable living, and be able to live a good life someday, but they never told me how to do it. i was privileged in the sense that i was given a lot of freedom in deciding what i wanted to do with my life, so long as i don't end up dirt poor. for example, even though my parents had always told me to do art as a sideline job and not pursue it as my main career, once i managed to prove to them how i was able to earn a living for myself, they were okay with it.

combining two of these elements together, you get someone who's never, in her entire life, thought of settling down, getting married, having children, let alone grandchildren. nope. i think the furthest i've gotten to planning for my future thus far, is wanting a condo unit to myself and having a cat or two with me. although i've always pined for that special guy to walk into my life and sweep me off my feet, i've always found comfort and joy in the alternative as well. being on my own, exploring the great unknown. it sounds like a tremendously exciting adventure to me, honestly.

it just feels a little sad that choosing not to settle down can be seen as something that is frowned upon.

what am i saying, you ask? i'm not quite sure either.
i'm just a kid who don't have all the answers to my questions.
i'm just a 24-year-old, curious.

quick to listen, slow to speak, slow to anger.

be teachable.

i think that is the one key thing that will really keep you going on in life. even if you lose your passion, as long as you remain teachable and be open to foreign, curious, unknown ideas, you will find joy.

oh dear, it seems that we've started at the end. let's get back to the beginning, shall we?

*rewind*

these 'note to self' posts are very much self-realizations and journeys on my personal development, so here i am, talking about this stuff. mostly about how i perceive.

this one's about people and relationships. 

i've been told recently by a friend of mine to be more 'polite' in relationships because it reduces friction between people. i guess i've never seen it that way before, as i've always been a firm believer of hard and painful honesty; shortening the pain was the way to go and i wanted to remain entirely as my straightforward self. being 'polite' was/is definitely not second nature. it was probably... the hundredth nature. nonetheless, it brought me to a realization of how i've stopped being gentle with people, simply because i think they'd be okay with harsh comments just as i would. and i've stopped seeing my comments as harsh too, only honest. brutally honest, but certainly not harsh. (oh, don't our rationalities almost always get warped along the way?)

in short, i've become someone with a somewhat abrasive personality.

i suppose i haven't noticed that very successfully, since the personality i've publicized myself to be in the virtual reality is not only someone who wants to be honest inside-out about life, but also someone who strives to encourage and inspire others with her writing and art. i've been perceiving myself to be that encouraging person online, but i may not have been the entirely same person in real life.

my sarcasm shows very apparently in reality. i now have a gut feeling that this sarcastic personality of mine surfaced as a self-defense mechanism, so that i can lead people to think that i have a strong personality, countering the weak and low-esteem self whom i was just several years back. don't get me wrong, i am a much more confident person today than i was half a decade ago, but i think there will always be remnants of our old selves in us, having transformed themselves into something seemingly more useful or presentable or acceptable to us, the spirit, who perceives.

(i'm not sure either; i'm figuring all of this out as i write this too.)

i know this for sure, though: my sarcasm has a tendency to be that part of my personality that strives to impress. you know what i'm talking about. we all have that little part of us that has always been a bit too exuberant, too fancy, too beautiful, too strong, too bright--the part of us that we half-make-up so that we can seem like a bunch of more socially acceptable people. i'm pretty sure i have other Impressive Qualities as well, but sarcasm is definitely one of them. i don my sarcastic self to feel 'cool'.

on the other hand, i'm impulsive. especially when i speak. i don't think a lot when i talk (unlike when i write), so a lot of my words can sometimes be made up to sound cool, jumbled up because i lose the structure along the way, or even just plain nonsense for feeling nervous around people.

hence, all of this adds up to a somewhat abrasive personality.

so, back to being polite.

i'll try! i legitimately will. because i've come to realize also, that although i love to be my own one hundred percent self to everyone else, not everyone will come to love my one hundred percent self immediately when i present myself to them. sometimes it's not just because they don't like my personality, sometimes it could just be because i may be too overwhelming for them. or they're simply easily-overwhelmed people. or they've never met anyone like me in their lives before, and getting the full-blown one hundred percent Me is a major surprise and mess-up to their routine lives. i don't know. the thing is, every person is different, and every person receives and gives information differently.

note to self: just tone down. it won't hurt.
if the person does not even like the tone down version of you, then so be it.

moral of the story: be teachable. i didn't like the fact that my friend implied that i was not a polite person, but i knew getting angry over such a petty matter would contribute nothing positive to the situation at all. so i collected my thoughts, listened, and analyzed his thoughts. i took time to chew on it.

i've learned that people generally like it when other people listen to them. we all love it. so when someone gives you advice about life, even if this person may be 10 years younger or a divorcee or a known douchebag or a really old guy who's infamous for bad advice-giving, take it with a pinch of salt. take it with humility. be teachable. you may not want to live out all of their life advices, but take it anyways, knowing that these are true tales they are telling you; they're all experiences of their hearts, so take heart, and be humble. 

Creative Writing

Hello!

I know it's been a long while, but I'm back again to tell you that I'm almost done with my final semester, and I've written some pieces for this semester's Creative Writing course that I took.

I've linked them down below, or you can just keep scrolling down my main page to find all of them; they're flash fiction and would take you only less than 5 minutes to read each!

The Fall

Tomodachi / Kawan / Friend

The Prestige

The Moon Museum

Kopi Peng

Do let me know what you think about the stories! (:

Kopi Peng

The kopitiam she used to frequent looks precisely the same, except now it’s located in a row of shop lots stuck in between two shiny skyscrapers. The noise in the city is overwhelming, prompting her to switch off her hearing aid the moment she got down the red and white cab. Kuala Lumpur was, is, and always will be under construction. She smiles, reminiscing days of the past; some blurry but some that will always remain crystal clear.

She enters the kopitiam, switching on her hearing aid to low volume again as she grabs a seat in the middle with little effort, for it was already past lunch time. She waits eagerly for someone to take her order, hoping that she will surprise Navindran with her appearance, but also half-expecting the fact that one could not have been waiting tables for the past fifty years. She knows that the chances of meeting him here was incredibly slim.

“Aunty, minum apa?” She turns around to a strangely familiar voice. There he is! Except he isn’t dressed in his usual white singlet and he looks precisely the way she remembers him to be—but she also remembered that people need to age, and that instantaneously made her realize her simple mistake. “Aunty, you ok ah?” He asks again.

“Yes, yes, ah boy, I’m okay. You just look a lot like someone I used to know. Say, do you know if there’s anyone named Navindran who used to live here a long, long time ago?”

“Oh, I’m not sure lah aunty, but I can go ask my grandpa.  Wait ah.”

He leaves to call for his grandpa. She sits alone at the marble table, thinking about the Kopi Peng he used to make for her. Always a tad bit sweeter than the usual, just the way she likes it.

“Who is this aunty you’re talking about? Your own grandfather’s name also don’t know ah?”

It’s unmistakable. It has aged, but she can recognize his voice from miles away. She smiles widely, knowing that the man approaching her from the back of the shop is the Navindran she has been looking for. She stands up and turn to greet him, gracefully as she was half a century ago.

“Hello, Navindran.”

He was speechless.

“Oh my, oh my. Hello, Su Lin. It’s been so long... What took you so long?”

“My flight was delayed. I’m so sorry, Navindran.”

They hug, leaving young Raju completely confused.

The Moon Museum

“Luna, the portal room is going to be full again if you don’t clear it! How many times have I told you that you need to do inventory on a regular basis, so that the room doesn’t pile up like this?! Your attitude is intolerable! Luna? Luna! LUNA!”

Ugh, give me a break.

I didn’t ask for this job.

It’s going to last for an eternity, anyways. I’ve got way more than enough time to clear it up, but still Bach will nag endlessly at me.

Uuuuuuuuugh.

“LUNA LEE! YOU GET TO THE PORTAL ROOM AND CLEAR THAT PILE OF LOST GOODS RIGHT THIS MOMENT!”

Gah. Fine.

I look at my watch. 12:02PM. The concept of time doesn’t actually apply to us here in this dimension, but I was given a single request when I was given my job here, so this was what I asked for. I wanted to hold onto something that was familiar to me. Having time on my side, whether it’s a real thing or not here, keeps me sane. It keeps me grounded.

Looking back, I should have just asked for Bach’s eternal silence, or earplugs—lots of it.

I get dressed, in the only set of clothes I have. Well, a lot of other things also don’t apply to us here at the Museum de Lunar. I’m too lazy to explain right now, but maybe I’ll do it later when Bach isn’t screaming at me at the top of his lungs from the other end of the building. Which he’s doing right now.

I brisk-walk to the portal room, officially known as the Quaerere, but I’ve resorted to calling it the ‘portal room’ because nobody except Bach can pronounce the names of the rooms here perfectly, and I’m not even going to try.

“THERE YOU ARE!” Flapping his large wings, Bach is hopping from one pile of junk to the next, his feathers flustered and seemingly more frustrated than usual. Oh, didn’t I tell you? Bach’s an eagle owl. Not the species, but actually part-eagle and part-owl. More nerd than anything else in the Universe, though. Bach keeps the records around here. I just help him update it. It’s a really ancient system, but to put it simply, it’s devastatingly boring and infinitely repetitive work that’s fit for eternal punishment. This is what you get for stealing from a Greek god. Well... If you were stupid enough to get caught like me.

“Luna, how many times have I—“

“I know, Bach. I know. I’ll get started.”

“All these lost goods aren’t going to sort themselves out, you know. The Museum de Lunar is a prestigious facility made by the gods where—“

“—‘Where all things lost are found and returned to their rightful owners.’ As if anyone ever gets back their bobby pins or ballpoint pens, Bach.”

“THAT’S because we’re severely understaffed.”

“Because I’m practically the only staff here, you mean. Under legislative bindings. Forever.”

“You are correct.”

Oh, it’s going to be a very long day.

The Prestige

One. You show the subject to your audience. A pigeon. You make sure it looks common, ordinary, normal. You earn the audience’s trust by getting one or two people to check the subject. You gain their trust.

Two. You perform the trick. In a split second, the blinding white pigeon vanishes within your fingers. The audience gasps in wonder and confusion. You lift your hands up for them to see, reassuring them that the trick was not a trick, that it was real. Your hands are empty now, but it’s not over yet.

Three. The prestige. This is the most important part of a magic trick. Anybody can make something disappear, but what makes you a true magician is conjuring the subject back into your hands. You pull up your sleeves and do so, with little effort. The audience smiles and laughs, clapping vigorously at the end of your magic trick, completely impressed. The show is over. The crowd pours out of the small room with bright smiles on their faces, leaving you behind, smiling flatly at the last child who waves at you as she leaves with her mother, too.

You exit the stage, and looked at your hands. There’s traces of blood. You cuss silently at your carelessness. You need to make sure that doesn’t happen the next time. A good magician makes sure there are no clues to his secrets being revealed, and a great magician shouldn’t even succumb to such lowly tricks. You sigh and remind yourself to purchase more new pigeons from the market tomorrow, as you carry your things and prepare to leave the tiny backstage. The lone pigeon is quiet in its small cage, perhaps thinking about its friend’s disappearance. You clear out from the place and enter into the streets of London, filled with mud and people and smog. You wonder optimistically about the chances of ending up in the hall of fame with the greatest magicians. You hold your head up high, trying not to take a whiff of the nearby horse droppings as you head home.

Tomodachi / Kawan / Friend

Amir was snatched away before my eyes all of a sudden, thrown into the blazing flames right in front of my house by a gang of Japanese soldiers. I watched in horror as his skin burnt black into ashes, not knowing what else to do. I did not know that he was accused of stealing then. I did not know the punishment was so heavy. I did not know we were the ones who decided the weight of punishments. I didn’t know. He was screaming my name, over and over again. It felt like a dream. It wasn’t a dream.

I knew we moved to this land because of Father’s work, but I had never inquired about it. I only knew that Father was respectable because of his work, and that his work was of a noble nature. I had never asked, because I didn’t want to burden him with my silly questions when he was home.

The new neighbourhood we lived in seemed very odd to me, because everyone spoke so many different languages and looked so different from each other, entirely unlike Kyoto. Even the flowers smelled so much stronger here than the sakuras we had back home. I missed Japan dearly then, but Amir showed up one day in front of our new house here in Ipoh with his bright smile, selling fruits. Amir became my friend.

Malaysia is my home now. I had been living here for the past sixty years, but what I saw then will always be etched clearly at the back of my mind, like it was branded with fire. I lost my best friend when I was 9, and life was never quite the same since the incident happened. I want to laugh about it, cry about it, talk about it, but this is all I can do about it: I reminisce. I remember Amir’s young face very well, every curve and every strand of hair. I remember his smile the most. He smiled with all his might; his lips would curl upwards to as far as it could, his eyes would disappear into a thin upwards curve, and his face would just wrinkle up like an old plum. His smile always lifted me up, even on the worst days.

That was the last I ever saw of him. Amir: sweet, young, innocent, fruit-seller boy Amir. I’ve always missed him the most, even though I’ve lost so many friends along the way. You would think at my age, I would have stopped missing people. I would think so too.

“Yuki, we be kawan forever okay?” I remember him saying.

“What does ‘kawan’ mean?” I asked, for I did not know Malay then.

“It means ‘friend’ lah, aiyo,” Amir said, wondering how a child could not even know such a simple word.

It felt like a dream. It wasn’t a dream.

The Fall.

Stefan has always been peculiar. He’s different from the rest of the kids, often scribbling in his sketchbook, eating raw carrots, and dressed in that one jacket he always has on.  The jacket looks much older than he is, and it seems to carry more weight and history than anything I have ever seen before—even more than the artefacts from the countless museums I’ve been to. There’s something about it that I can’t quite put my finger on. I’ve never had a close look at his drawings before, either. Once, I caught a glimpse of something he was working on—a door of sorts—and when he found me sneaking a peek, he slammed the book shut immediately. I suppose he’s just a very secretive and introverted child. Maybe he lost a loved one when he was much younger, and the jacket belonged to that person. It still doesn’t explain why the piece of garment looks like it’s from the Middle Ages, though.

I don’t usually pay extra attention on my students like this, but Stefan’s quite hard to miss. He has this unique aura unlike other children, and I wonder why the other teachers don’t seem to agree with me. “Stefan? He’s just always kind of there, isn’t he? Which class is he in again?” I tell Ms. Chan the class that he’s in, but she can’t even recall what he looks like. I ask the other teachers in the office, yet nobody hardly remembers the boy’s last name. Only his existence is sure to everyone; everything else seems like it’s been wiped out of their memories.

The school bell rings, signalling the end of classes for today. As I exit the teachers’ office, I find Stefan standing outside the door, waiting, the old sketchbook in his hand, his jacket still on his shoulders, covering almost all of his small frame. “Hi, Ms. Heather. I’ve been waiting for you,” he says. He doesn’t smile, but continues: “I have something to show you. Do you have time?” I look at my watch. I’m not going to get anywhere with the peak traffic hours anyways. I nod, and trailed behind him as he quietly leads me to a secluded corner of the school field. The grass on this side of the field is beginning to yellow due to the season, welcoming the season of perpetual death, slowly but surely. He opens his sketchbook to the page I had previously caught a glimpse of, places it on the ground, and a door appears in the grass. A door that looks exactly like the one in his sketchbook. Except, the page now has a door-shaped hole in it.

“I’m so sorry, but you’ve run out of time, Ms. Heather.” His jacket transforms into a hound. Black as night, it consumes me. Stefan’s last name is Todd. Tod. Death, in German. Of course.

perpetual adulthood.

roughly a year ago, i wrote about adulthood.

i talked about turning twenty-three and what adulthood meant to me.

a year later, i see a little bit differently.

i recently took the opportunity to watch a Malaysian production of Into The Woods, a musical that has always touched my heart and soul in ways i never thought it could be touched and transformed. my favorite song from the musical speaks to me a lot about adulthood. about growing up.

the gist of the song: no matter what happens, you're not alone. we all grow up, and things will seem less clear, less simple than it was when we were younger. no more mere rights and wrongs, and doing unto others what they do unto you. 'you decide what's good', based on what you believe in, what you know to be true. if you want to forgive a giant, then do it. if you want to love a witch, then do it. i find the song to be enormously powerful because it was sung by adults (Cinderella and The Baker) to the children (Red and Jack), which was one of the fundamental themes of Into The Woods. these relationships between adults and children--adults were once children too, and now they tell the younger ones about their experiences. they become storytellers of their own, and children too, will grow up to be another generation of storytellers.

it also talks about the mistakes that we all make: no matter who we are and how old or experienced we become, we're all human and we make mistakes. i really love how the adults tell the children to honor people's mistakes and fight for their mistakes, even, choosing to see the strength and necessity in making such mistakes, instead of finding fault in people, but at the same time without ever discounting the cost of these 'terrible mistakes'. somewhere in the woods that is adulthood, we're bound to lose our way a little bit, stray from the path, and make mistakes--but we're told that we're never alone. that no one is ever alone.

my favorite lines are definitely

"witches can be right, giants can be good"

it underlines the fact that nobody should ever be judged by the roles that they are assigned. just because the characters in the story are designed to be inherently evil (the witch and the giant), and even though they do act the way they're designed, Cinderella and The Baker refuse to believe that people are merely the way they were made to be. things are no longer as simple as they seem to be in the storybooks we read. 

as i've entered into my woods, though the woods are trees and the trees are just woods, i will be aware of wolves, of witches, of giants, of princes, of curses, and of anything in my path. the woods maybe a little bit dark and scary and uncertain of events, i'll know this in my heart: no one is alone. i can always count on someone, even if i think i'm in the loneliest of situations.