let's go, 2017.

the last time i wrote here, it was about the difficulty of adjusting to a working adult's life. four months have passed since i last posted here, and it's the new year now. since then, i've officially landed myself a full-time job; aged significantly (mentally, as that's what working at Mossery does to you) yet somehow still retained my rather annoying (to others) energetic self; felt far away from the church, missed it dearly, came back and still felt a bit of a distance but am eternally thankful for friends whom i can pick up a conversation with at any given time; and got into no relationships (no duh).

so, here's a brief list of what i've done this year. not because everyone is doing it, but because i want to document it and look back at it one day. also because i have pretty awful memory.

in no particular order:

1. worked with Sketch Post. from smaller, private functions to massive illustrated boards sent to the US for a convention, and having eaten at Nobu KL this year plus a few other fancy places without actually realising the incredible quality of food at the given moment. (also tried quinoa for the first time. i quite liked it.)


2. interview with Mossery for my academic internship there and eventually interning + working with them. 


• spent four days pre-actual-internship at Penang with Jun, Vivian, and Saloni. it was definitely the most interesting way to start my internship experience.
• learned heaps over the course of 6 months (internship + probation) - from the creative to the technical sides of everything at work.
• hung out way too much with my colleagues talking about death, outer space, aliens, among other things.
• learned a little bit of everything: coding, illustrator, photography, etc. hoping to learn more this year and master some skills!
• three times to Singapore this year with the team, and every time was a unique experience.
• brought the entire team to watch Esther, and the supper that followed after was a very interesting conversation i can never quite forget. (:
• had (and am still having) incredibly up-close and honest relationships with people at work. if it wasn't for people who are brave enough to be honest with me, i would not be a better person, nor would i be consciously working on myself. grateful.


3. worked freelance very very briefly and earning my first thousand bucks from a single job.


4. first time going to Indonesia to attend my first international wedding (:


5. The Sam Willows concert at The Bee, watched Into The Woods (live musical), saw Saturday Afternoon live a couple of times, went for The Impatient Sisters' music video launch, etc.


6. directed a full-fledged play on campus. incredibly grateful for people who are talented, teachable, and infinitely helpful with all things. even when i didn't openly ask for help, the community just came to assist. also performed a song live at the end of both nights of the show.


7. volunteered to teach 6-year-old kids graphic recording / sketch-noting over a period of 6 weeks during their once-a-week after-school extra class.


8. lost my grandpa (mom's dad).


9. chalked an entire wall in my church premise, also chalked my front porch. fell in love with chalk quite a bit. hoping to explore this medium a lot more this year.


10. The Last One Awake's intimate album listening party. i was surprised why i was even invited. gasp.


11. talked about priorities and responsibilities in church towards the end of the year and decided to let go of some stuff i had taken part in. it was tough, but i knew i had to let go before everything went to ruins with me not focussing on helping out at all. 


12. met amazing talents in person whom i never quite thought would come across - Angelyn, Marissa, Christian, Kevin Hagino, Si Hui, Shannon, just to name a few.


13. graduated from university, after 4 years of studying Literature and Gender Studies. i miss the ever-enriching discussions in class about all things human. 
• also did a graduation photoshoot with my friends from Bitesize Visuals!


14. worked with Idea Ink briefly as well - the Millenial 20-20 event was a definite eye-opener to graphic recording and honing my skills in that area particularly.


15. brother got married. woohoo!


16. got my first ever fountain pen from Jun and Vivian for my birthday this year. also got mutiple-layered surprises from my friends who knew i hated large crowds. i felt immensely loved this year on my birthday, and was grateful for every single person who bothered to wish me well.

2017 is a year of seeking discomfort for me. i've been running away from many problems in the past years, and though i tell others to be honest, i haven't been quite honest with myself entirely. we choose things to talk about, to see, to hear, to process, and we filter the rest to be archived forever. this year, i want to live an unfiltered life. i want to be straight-up honest with myself - whether it's in how bad i write, or how much i want to buy a silly thing because it makes me happy - i want to be completely honest. i want to make things because i want to, i want to be happy because it makes me happy, and i want to follow God because He's given me life.

some things i want to focus more on this year:

1. identify problems and solve them head on, instead of pretending that they're not there.
• i realised towards the end of the year that i had a terrible habit of pretending that problems aren't really there, especially if they're smallish problems that doesn't seem to be causing any harm or damage. i'm going to learn to speak up on these little things, because i've said it myself so many times that the little things matter the most.


2. believe in others and your(my)self.
• give the benefit of doubt to others. love my neighbour as myself. stretching on love rather than passing judgment. 


3. be involved.
• another bad habit i noticed is that i tend to shrink back and do nothing when i see others be involved. this is true in leadership terms. i'm the kind of person who balances out the atmosphere, so if someone else is loud, i'll speak less. if someone else is leading the team very apparently, i'll stand back. i think being less involved made me a passive leader, and as much as i believe that every leader has a style of their own, i also believe that if i push myself to get involved in different activities, i stand an equal chance in growing as well.


4. don't hold back.
• this one's a dangerous one, because it might wear me out. another habit to kill is the spirit of procrastination. i tend to avoid doing things that require more effort than i had expected, and i want to go against that current this year. be extra bold, extra courageous, extra crazy, and push myself all the way. rest is important, but this year is about getting productive (not busy!) in everything i am called to do.

change only happens when action is taken.

no empty words this year. embrace change.

twenty fourteen.

the wrap-up of the year. 

this year has been a roller coaster. i've had crushes on people on such a frequent basis that at some point i thought i was just so desperate for some sort of love. finally took the time at the end of the year, when coming back to university, to really get to know people and not care about whatever feelings i had for whoever for once. again and again i was reminded to enjoy the process and not worry about the results. i love the friendships that i have right now, and i can't wait to do more stuff with these people (and others!) next year.

it has been emotional as well. there were many tragedies that happened to Malaysia, but moreover, many that happened within the vicinity of my life. friends and cousins lost their parents or relatives, and i couldn't help but to feel that God was somehow preparing me for some sort of calamity. i can't say i've gotten used to deaths, but it's not as unknown to me anymore, and i'm really just not sure if that's a good thing.

other than that, i found myself being in places that i never thought would be in this year. often times i felt like a stranger, tagging along for the ride, when i hardly knew what was going on. it really just felt like God wanted me to be there at these times. i got to know people whom i had to eventually say goodbye to because either they left or i did. i made friends with people i never thought i could ever befriend, and i shared these really significant memories with people who probably treasured it a lot more than i did. nevertheless, i'm thankful for where He has placed me at these particular times as i got to share very precious moments with some very precious people. i'm very very grateful for that.

i also went traveling a lot this year! which is a brand new experience for me. here are the stuff i did and the places i went:

1. i went to Singapore all on my own (for the first time after 10 years) for my student's exchange experience, and i think this experience really built my confidence to travel and explore places a lot more. i fumbled around with so many things i never did in my life (handling laundry ALL BY MYSELF) and did things i never would have possibly done unless i had the 'i'm only going to do this once in a lifetime mindset' (daylight clubbing at Singapore's Holi Festival, haha)

2. went to Philippines for the first time in my LIFE with two girls (one Malaysian and one Filipino who took us around, hee) and did all the crazy things. they were such great travel partners, and we had really encouraging and deep conversations about life, it was just such a good session with them. being at El Nido was also one of the most breath-taking experiences, because not only did i swim through a hole in the rock cliff, but i got to see the clearest waters i have ever set my eyes upon. the entire experience was so memorable that it can still feel like i just came back yesterday!

3. a 4-day-3-nights trip to Penang (also after a very long time not visiting the bustling state) with a Singaporean friend whom i wasn't precisely close to but definitely got closer to during the trip! loved the intellectual conversations we had from gender to just plain talking about boys, hahahaha. having her for the trip really made it so much more memorable. so glad to for her to have fallen in love with a city in Malaysia (:

4. this one doesn't really count as a trip, but i went for my first ever conference that isn't in church! the East Asia Regional Conference (EARC) was spectacular, because i got to see people from so many countries and cultures worshiping one God with all of their hearts. it was so beautiful, every time we had a worship session in a different language. hearing stories from all the representatives and just making new friends was so much fun as well. this was a very memorable experience for me, because this was the first campus event i joined after coming back from Singapore, and i had felt so out of place. but i found God again in this conference, and He assured me that i belonged on my campus, and it all changed so rapidly when i went back to university in September.

and if you didn't read any of those, here are some lovely people whom i shared very fond memories with this year:

you've been great, 2014. i've had some of my lowest moments this year, but i cherish them all. the good and the bad times. the company. every single waking moment of fleeting emotions, i felt them and i'm ready to feel more. 

New Year's resolution every year: 

be more fearless.

what have you done?

teakets.

never have i put myself on the front line like this, surrendering my heart to friends and trusting them almost a hundred percent. never have i felt a relationship so close, like family, on campus, until this semester. 

what have you done?

what is it that made me open up like it's so easy?

that i can now share my problems with people so much more easily because of them.

because of you, i am braver.

because of you, i am bolder.

because you told me so.

i don't know what else to say, other than thank you and thank You.

You, for orchestrating all of this to happen,

and you, for being a part of my journey. 

i'm still learning so much from you.

all of you.

and i think, 

i can't let go.

what have you done?

this is tugging on to my heartstrings too tightly. 

i'm knotted into your lives now.

we're all tied together.

what have you done?

i feel

vulnerable.

but for you, my dear

i shall be so.

merry Christmas, love.

six months later.

the curse of an exchange student (or anyone who has stayed in a different city/state/country for longer than 3 months, then returned to their home) is this: you are haunted by faces and voices.

everywhere you go, no matter where it is, you see faces and you hear voices that you think you know. this happens initially when you leave home and enter this new environment for the very first time. the faces you see and the voices you hear are those from home. friends and family. you think you see them, but really they're not with you.

and once you begin to fit into this environment, no longer feeling like a foreigner, you fall in love with everything. from the new friends you meet to the local food to enjoying life like a local instead of some fancy expat, you fall head over heels for everything that is the embodiment of the country. you want to bring it home.

home. when it's about time you're to leave for home again, you don't panic. one by one your friends leave and return to their respective homes, but you're not sad. you're just here, dealing with a bit of loneliness and quietness. it's not that bad, you think to yourself. and it really isn't.

here comes the time when you actually take a plane, or a train, or a bus home. and then you notice something is different. you are truly alone again. you are not your own. you left some parts of you back with your friends, and so did they to you. now that you've melded together, you cannot be separated. you've crossed paths with these once-strangers, once-acquaintances, once-friends and now-family. it feels a little bit empty, hollow, void.

so it begins again, like a vicious cycle. except it doesn't really go away. now and again you think you recognize a face on the street, thinking it's your friend, but you know better that they're miles and miles away. sometimes a voice behind you sounds extremely, painfully familiar that it makes you turn around with a great smile, only to realize it's not who you had expected. and it lingers. it never really fades. you'll live with it.

somehow.

the end is the beginning is the end is the beginning is the--

it started off with a simple question about five weeks ago. Charissa asked me if i wanted to be a part of the camp committee, and as per usual, without thinking much and having no reason to say no, i thought, why not?

but from the very beginning i knew i had entered the committee with the wrong attitude. the wrongest. i went in with an attitude thinking "hey, these people need help", instead of "hey, God's calling me to serve Him". my journey during the four weeks of planning was very rocky with the committee, what with me being very hormonal, emotional, sensitive, afraid--all things attacking me at once. all that was repeating in my head was "i don't belong, i don't belong". halfway through i even told the committee that i wanted to quit so badly, but i knew i couldn't and had to push on with whatever i was dealing with because i couldn't just bail on a team of people who trusted me to get the job done. gritting my teeth, i pushed on.

meeting after meeting, it got a little better. i felt more at home because of certain people, but mostly, because i was adjusting my perspective and mindset. i wasn't doing this for them anymore, i was serving Him. i needed to know that, and i needed to get back on that right path: serving God and not man alone.

sure it was hard. i had never had such crazy emotional turmoils before this. never before had i rejected myself so much for what i loved doing, and denied myself the joy of serving the Lord. more than that, never was i given the chance to be so honest with my emotions, both with God and with people. i was at the brink of giving up almost at the end of every week, but i couldn't just stop. Jesus made sure i didn't.

i was still skeptical even a day before camp. that i wouldn't be able to be happy at the end of the day, and things would just turn out bland. that i might just go back into my hole and hide away behind my camera. forever. it's okay, don't need to talk to people. don't need to--

and as usual, i'm wrong. camp was much greater than i have ever expected it to be. i didn't get to meet everyone, but to be able to see these people everyday for four days straight, to be able to spend time with some of these people, talk to them, even if it's just ten or fifteen minutes, it's worth it. learning from the committee members was perhaps the best part. they're so passionate, so down to details, so determined to get things done, while i was just, there. i can only sum up this experience with 'incredible'.

God comes. He fills us with wonder. when we're broken and lost and alone, He reassures us, comforts us, and tells us to go back out into the world again. we're shaky from what we just experienced, still afraid, but He holds onto our hands, and lets go when He knows we're ready, even when we think we're not. but all the time, He's watching us do what He has called us to do, smiling as we run, we sink, we drown, we fall. He'll always be around, ready to love us, no matter what.

always the little things.

to sit on the bus next to you, taking in all of the beauty God has created, and that you have captured, from within your magical electronic box that is known as an iPhone. quietly you scrolled through the photos you took, each instilled with flooding wonders of amazing views that is Japan, explaining bits here and there while smiling, thinking back about your vacation. i peered through the window on your phone through to another dimension, stared at the loveliest yellow flowers and purple lavenders that was only beginning to bloom, and wondered about my dream to go to Japan one day. 

to walk towards the end of the pier when everyone else was busy talking and taking pictures to be stored as memories, and just listen to the ocean speak to me. its waves rolling in and out since the beginning of time, its depths unknown and filled with life--once, but not anymore. now filled with filth and garbage, my heart wept a moment for the sea creatures that was once majestic and glorified, as they too are creations of God. the sunset was calming, and for a very brief moment, you thought the wind was the sky breathing, huffing breaths of cool breezes onto your cheeks, like a father would do to his daughter, to cheer her up. it was quiet, and it was breathtaking to be alone with God.

to sit in near to complete darkness, seeing that the roads were lit only with the overly-bright orange streetlights which glared at our faces. the bus droned through the winding roads, threatening to lull us into sleep. but i refused to close my eyes, for i was wide-awake, happily listening to you speak. the enthusiasm in your voice, the dreams and hopes in your voices, it made my insides feel warm, my internal organs hugging one another tighter, as though recognizing and acknowledging your aspirations. i could only imagine the day we would part ways and return home, connected only through the digital universe. so i just listened, silently, and tried to pin down how your voices sounded like, like how i would write down favorite quotes or lyrics in a book.

to drown myself in quietness, to be away from the crowd when i was awfully confused and swarmed with mixed feelings. it was strange to see people recover from such emotional news rather quickly, while i needed time with God to put things down, set things aside and really realize what was going on with my life. these were not the most important people of my life, but their loss had impacted my mediocre life anyways. and i felt the grief. the pain. above all, i felt the emptiness. i knew how it feel, to lose somebody, to not be able to see them for the rest of your entire lifetime. it's always a surreal experience. but we pick ourselves up with Your help, so i wrote and wrote and wrote, and You listened. You never left me, not even for a single, fleeting moment. 

to stop in a crowd of more than six hundred, to watch people hug and laugh, speak and cry, it became a memory that was etched so clearly into my mind. you gave me one of the longest, warmest hug one could ever ask for, and i was never so comforted. the warmth that passed through our bodies was soothing. if only everyone could give sincere hugs like these. i could feel Your warmth, through Your people. 

it's always, always the littlest things, that makes the biggest differences. 

twenty one: end.

i didn't mean for it to end.

your eyes, your touch, your laughter, your everything--it's still stuck in my mind. the past four months has been a rich experience for all of us, not just myself as an individual. from strangers to friends, from friends to family--we were almost inseparable. we were so oblivious of what was about to come. we could not do more but cry, but hug, but embrace one another for as long as we thought we could bear; the end was nigh for us, and it was time to pack up and go home.

home.
the word itself seems to have lost its meaning, seeing how we've been home together for the past hundred days or so. home was no longer a physical place to all of us, and we understood it. home was the same understanding of being together, despite not being together physically, but to have had been together at some point of our lives, to have our lives intertwined and stubbornly refused to be let go. we know what home is. home is where we are, whenever we think of one another, whenever our shared memories are brought back to our minds, fresh as it was when it was created, and when we remember, we know we are home.

thank you, for being as curious as i was, as entirely oblivious of other worlds' cultures as i was. i know now that this experience is something other people will never be able to understand at all, no matter how great storytellers we may be. they were not where we were for the past months, and they were not us.

know that this is something only we share, something that only each and every single one of us has, each an entirely unique experience, although similar to one another's.

thank you for being my brothers and sisters, for putting up with my eccentricity, my quirkiness, my certain violence and my pride. thank you for being my brothers and sisters, forevermore.

we didn't mean for it to end, but it had to, and we had thought it was an ending we saw, but it was not. it was simply a story branching out to even more stories, and now each and everyone of us has the responsibility of keeping our stories alive.

home is in our hearts.

mandatory final day of the year post.

looking back, 2013 has been such a fruitful year. i didn't even know i did so many things this year, haha. usually by the end of the year i only think of the year as whatever that has been happening for the past 3 months. photos helped a lot. (: 

this year has been a year of growth. i began serving at church and made friends not just in church but outside of church as well. so many first times, so many stepping out of my comfort zones! i think i evolved a little bit as a human being this year. became a little braver, i hope. (: and wiser too, i definitely hope so.

thank you, everyone who has been a part of my life this year (:

i would name names, but it would take foreverrrrr.

so thank you, and thank You as well, God, for making it such a fantastic year.

okay, get ready to embrace my 2013 photo spam under the cut!

withdrawal.

as an introvert, i never thought there would come to a day when i would miss being around people so badly that i could feel genuinely anxious about it. i've always thought i'd be okay on my own. you know--do things on my own like taking the bus, eating, just doing stuff. but recently that's been changing. i depend on people. and i happen to like depending on people. i like to have friends around. i like to get to know them more. i still like to listen, but more than ever before, i also like to talk now. these people, you, you light up my life. 

everyday i thank God for putting me where i am with the people i am with as of now.

and i cannot thank God more for all of these people.

thanks.

know that you (this doesn't limit to just the people in this photo) are important. 

breathing underwater.

land sickness is an unofficial (mental, perhaps) sickness wherein a person feels like they're 'walking on a mattress or trampoline' when back on land after a cruise ship ride or a long voyage in the ocean. this condition is said to last from hours to even days. 

i am feeling land-sick right now.

whenever i sit still or lie very still on my bed, i can still feel my head being rocked back and forth when i am on/in the water, and my legs would feel the waves of the ocean splashing at them, endlessly. 

the getaway trip with two of my coursemates to Pulau Kapas all the way on East Coast of Peninsular Malaysia has been an enormous blessing. when we first reached the island, i thought i would die for Internet or just leave the island as soon as possible. little did we know, the lifestyle of the islanders crept into our bodies so quietly that we ourselves became laid-back and mindlessly lazy. the only noises you would hear are the sounds of the ocean and perhaps a few birds. cafes and resorts set up around the beaches of the island itself are all designed to be utterly relaxing and wonderfully inviting, especially when you try to leave. 

life as an islander on Pulau Kapas means food, sun, ocean, sand, and breathing underwater. 

  and because i have no underwater camera to capture any photos, 

have some food photos instead. :D

i will probably forget the very moments i first go snorkeling or diving, but i will never forget how quiet it becomes when you're underwater. the silence is the sound of water in your ears. your breathing becomes the loudest thing in your dimension, and you focus all your energy on three things : sight, breathing, and moving your legs. welcome to the new world.

although my friends and diving instructor probably hated me or thought i was annoyingly helpless and panicky during the snorkeling and diving times, but i had fun. i'm sorry, friends and diving instructor (Fai, Fazi, Ru Jun, Sue Fyenn, Christophe), for being so nervous underwater. i am far from being a water person. i can be one, but it will take time. a good, ample amount of time. 

snorkeling and diving is something i definitely want to try again and certainly get better at, though. i am willing to try and overcome my fear of water by learning how to swim and even wear contacts or learn about ways wherein i can see clearer underwater without my glasses. (masks with prescription lenses are already in consideration, even though they probably cost a bomb)

Pulau Kapas, i will be back. soon.

for now, back to business. (insert disgusted and tiresome groans/sighs here)