six months later.

the curse of an exchange student (or anyone who has stayed in a different city/state/country for longer than 3 months, then returned to their home) is this: you are haunted by faces and voices.

everywhere you go, no matter where it is, you see faces and you hear voices that you think you know. this happens initially when you leave home and enter this new environment for the very first time. the faces you see and the voices you hear are those from home. friends and family. you think you see them, but really they're not with you.

and once you begin to fit into this environment, no longer feeling like a foreigner, you fall in love with everything. from the new friends you meet to the local food to enjoying life like a local instead of some fancy expat, you fall head over heels for everything that is the embodiment of the country. you want to bring it home.

home. when it's about time you're to leave for home again, you don't panic. one by one your friends leave and return to their respective homes, but you're not sad. you're just here, dealing with a bit of loneliness and quietness. it's not that bad, you think to yourself. and it really isn't.

here comes the time when you actually take a plane, or a train, or a bus home. and then you notice something is different. you are truly alone again. you are not your own. you left some parts of you back with your friends, and so did they to you. now that you've melded together, you cannot be separated. you've crossed paths with these once-strangers, once-acquaintances, once-friends and now-family. it feels a little bit empty, hollow, void.

so it begins again, like a vicious cycle. except it doesn't really go away. now and again you think you recognize a face on the street, thinking it's your friend, but you know better that they're miles and miles away. sometimes a voice behind you sounds extremely, painfully familiar that it makes you turn around with a great smile, only to realize it's not who you had expected. and it lingers. it never really fades. you'll live with it.

somehow.

twenty one: end.

i didn't mean for it to end.

your eyes, your touch, your laughter, your everything--it's still stuck in my mind. the past four months has been a rich experience for all of us, not just myself as an individual. from strangers to friends, from friends to family--we were almost inseparable. we were so oblivious of what was about to come. we could not do more but cry, but hug, but embrace one another for as long as we thought we could bear; the end was nigh for us, and it was time to pack up and go home.

home.
the word itself seems to have lost its meaning, seeing how we've been home together for the past hundred days or so. home was no longer a physical place to all of us, and we understood it. home was the same understanding of being together, despite not being together physically, but to have had been together at some point of our lives, to have our lives intertwined and stubbornly refused to be let go. we know what home is. home is where we are, whenever we think of one another, whenever our shared memories are brought back to our minds, fresh as it was when it was created, and when we remember, we know we are home.

thank you, for being as curious as i was, as entirely oblivious of other worlds' cultures as i was. i know now that this experience is something other people will never be able to understand at all, no matter how great storytellers we may be. they were not where we were for the past months, and they were not us.

know that this is something only we share, something that only each and every single one of us has, each an entirely unique experience, although similar to one another's.

thank you for being my brothers and sisters, for putting up with my eccentricity, my quirkiness, my certain violence and my pride. thank you for being my brothers and sisters, forevermore.

we didn't mean for it to end, but it had to, and we had thought it was an ending we saw, but it was not. it was simply a story branching out to even more stories, and now each and everyone of us has the responsibility of keeping our stories alive.

home is in our hearts.

twenty: stranger.

a stranger.

that's all we will ever be to one another.
maybe a smile,
maybe a wink,
maybe a moment of recognition.
that's the only magic we will ever share.

you walk on. i move on.
we live.

in my mind,
you always seem to be alone.
never with the crowd,
never catching up with trends.

in your mind,
i hardly exist.
just another girl who comes by.
just another girl who doesn't last.

just
another
girl.

a stranger.

nineteen: a glimpse of addiction.

since Wednesday, i've been stuck in a downward spiral of obsession and addiction. truly this has given me a very tiny glimpse into the world of addiction, because i was hooked to being a somebody to people i hardly knew but was on the main stage. for days, i felt more important than usual. 

why do we continue to look to others for reaffirmation and reassurance of our own values? this obsession drove me to even go back and watch more performances like other fangirls would do on what, a weekly basis? it was a privilege to be recognized. to be known. it felt very personal, and i felt very loved, to be honest. 

but today i realized that just seeing them again yesterday, i'm already feeling deprived today. this is what addiction feels like. you will never get enough. you will never feel satisfied. i had to recognize this problem and acknowledge it, hence i'm writing about it now, seeing how it's really stopping me from doing the most essential daily stuff. i've put aside my own priorities, or worse yet, God's, for these boys. these people who perform on stage, who will maybe remember your face after a week or two, after a month or two, but will never really be your friends.

if they do become your friends, then good for you. but it almost never happens. there is a barrier between performers and the audience that restricts this movement. and you can only wish and wish and wish that they live in your life forever. so you go back for more. and repeat the cycle. it's pretty vicious.

i can only be a mindful supporter who is truly a fan of their music and their performances, instead of a mindless fangirl who thinks all of the boys are so heartlessly good-looking and awesome. just awesome will not cut it. these people have definitely inspired me, and they continue to, but i need to make things clear to myself that it is completely unnecessary for me to be a fanatic. 

supporter not fanatic.

appreciation not obsession.

love not addiction.

admiration not envy.

there. i think i've calmed myself a little bit. 

and behold, my original Cruisers.

(from left to right: Izzy, Roel, Aaron, Tim)

meanwhile, i need a break from all these (REALLY GOOD) 50s music before i drive myself  toward insanity.

eighteen: inspiration cycle.

This is my story with The Cruisers.

About a month back, when my friend was in Singapore, I had entered Universal Studios Singapore for the first time, and upon entering, one of the first things I saw was this:

50s music sung by a 50s-esque boyband? what's NOT to love? I immediately fell head over heels for these four boys, oblivious to the fact that they rotated performers everyday. I was determined to get a fan art done for them, and i did.

Complete with fake names and fake signatures on the drawing because I didn't know their names AT ALL, with a little hope and a lot of faith, I e-mailed this to the Resort World Sentosa's e-mail, hoping for nothing but for the boys to at least just see my artwork. That was all I was aiming for. (but not God. He was aiming for a LOT more.)

A few days after I had e-mailed the artwork, the first miracle happened: the e-mail was replied. I actually sent it to their inquiries e-mail, so i wasn't even hoping that high, for someone to reply. The lady had said in the e-mail that she will show the artwork to the department which was in charge so it can reach the boys. (this was around the time i found out about the rotating performers, and my heart broke a little honestly)

days passed and nothing.

about a week or two later, another e-mail comes in.

Miracle number two.

Hi Xin Wei,  

First of all, thank you for the artwork that you sent in for our talents the Daddy O’s.
The artwork has been routed to the relevant department to send it to them.  

In order to thank you for your support to Resorts World Sentosa and the Daddy O’s, we would like to invite you for a personal meet and greet session with the Daddy O’s.
During this session you will be able to meet the four of them up close and personal.

My heart skipped a million beats and I thought I was going into a cardiac arrest. It was NOT something I was expecting AT ALL. Okay so I still refuse to call them the Daddy O's because that is SUCH a weird name, but this was a very, very pleasant surprise (edit: it turns out that these two ARE two different performances btw). I had fallen in love for their extraordinary skills in singing, dancing, and engaging with the crowd with so much passion. Imagining that these people (not just the four of them) having to repeat this all year-round 3 times a day with the same practices daily, that took my breath away. This is a next level sort of professional.

The Cruisers made me gain so much respect for performers who work at amusement parks or theme parks such as USS itself. To repeat a task over and over again is already tough, but to repeat it with a smile always on their faces, oh man, that is really what professionals do. I imagine the tired days and just days when you don't want to go out and perform for people, but you have to--it's so hard. But so worth it, for moments like this. When someone appreciates them. (':

I really do think that I made their day as much as they've made mine. This equal sort of giving one another inspiration is such a beautiful thing. When I finally met them in person today, and handed them my artworks, I could just tell by their faces that they were as excited as I was. Nothing beats this feeling--knowing that the appreciation and respect is going both ways, and artists sort of just salute one another, encouraging one another. I know it sounds really bollocks and absolutely prideful to put myself at the same level as them (BECAUSE THEY ARE SUCH AMAZING LOVABLE PEOPLEEEEEEE), but that was something that I truly felt from them. When they looked at my artwork, printed on paper, so thoroughly, the smiles on their faces made me smile because the art I have made is making the smile.

See? It's a cycle.
Inspiration going around in a circle. That's the best.

All in all, today was definitely an unforgettable day. Right now I'm even just watching the other performers who do The Cruisers' performances, and apparently Daddy O's only happen on weekends I think? One day I'll enter USS on a weekend just to watch the performances, I promise!

thank you for being one of my BEST memories made here in Singapore!

p/s: i still can't stop smiling from today!

p/p/s: Izzy and Aaron (the two boys on the left) even invited me out to dance when I went and watch them again after the meet-and-greet and GOSH IT WAS AMAZING.

p/p/p/s: Izzy was just kinda dancing with me gracefully (I HAVE NO IDEA HOW HE DOES IT BUT HE DOES WHILE ROCKIN' IT OUT) but Aaron literally just grabbed me and was spinning me with some sort of superhero strength hahaha.

thank you ALL so much.

and by ALL i mean all of the performers at Universal Studios Singapore, along with others in many other amusement parks spread across the world, for bringing smiles to people's faces. 

you are the best.

seventeen: i think i've been doing it wrong.

looking back at the 3 months or so that i've spent here in Singapore, i realized that i didn't really do much group participation. unlike my friends who got a lot closer with one another, i think i probably only got closer to that few people and i'm not really sure if they even reciprocate the feelings. all this while i've been enjoying more on the times when i go out alone because i don't really have to follow people or stuff, but i think maybe i've been doing it wrong somehow. i don't know.

it's just not the mightiest day today.

and i just have really bad timings. 

there's a good list of things that i don't want to do but must do right now. that includes assignments, projects and drawing. 

i just want to hang out.

i miss my friends.

i feel lonelier than ever.

and it's the stupidest kind of feeling to feel on a Saturday.

i miss doing stupid things with my friends.

i just--

oh you freaking hormones.

the pains of being an introvert: you want to hang out but you hate the company but you want the company but you don't really want them and people get so fed up of you because you're indecisive or you treat them not-so-nicely because you're not having the best day of your life and you just want someone to understand but no one does.

like i said, not one of my mightiest days.

for you, if you're not having one of your best days too.

sixteen: counterculture.

it gets frustrating.

when no one offers to help. when everybody's just watching. when people are happy being on the sidelines, watching you struggle. and worse yet, when they themselves are struggling and cannot even afford to help because if they do, they drown. 

it gets truly frustrating.

so frustrating that you begin to wonder about humanity, about friends, about selfish people. do you still remember how your parents or teachers told you to never be a selfish person? we were always taught that selfish people were never the likable ones. selfish people are often villains in our storybooks and cartoons. the sort of people who only wanted everything for themselves and not others. they only thought for their own good.

what i was not taught back then, was to be selfless.

my parents never taught me to be selfless. they only told me to be not selfish. that means i just needed to not be selfish, and help people when i needed to or was obliged to. that means i just didn't have to be the bad guy. but i was not taught to be the good guy either. i was left in the middle. i was left to be neutral--to mind my own business and be nice to people only when i am socially required to do so.

because the adults knew about selflessness.

they knew about how it was so incredibly tiring and completely worthless of their time at the end of the day. they knew about how no one would do the same--how no one else was willing to be selfless for another person or group of people. so the only selfless one would be left completely exhausted and infinitely under-appreciated. they knew how it felt to be under-appreciated. it wasn't the best feeling in the world. and they didn't want their children to end up as they did. they didn't want the pain to come, the hurt to grow in us.

what they did not know, or knew little about, was that being selfless can be infectious. it's like a smile. when you smile at someone, be it a friend or a complete stranger, they would smile back. it's infectious. happiness. likewise, attitudes can be infectious as well, especially selflessness. it takes a while. you invest your time with it. but trust me, it's so worth it when you see people start being selfless and think more about others. it's simple logic, really. think about it: if we all started thinking more for one another and not just ourselves, would we not be more caring, more kind, more loving people? when more and more people choose to be selfless, would this world not be a better place because we realize the truth and importance in helping others?

it's hard, i know. to be lending a hand to someone when you're about to fall off the edge. but imagine this: if a number of us were standing on the edge and we all held hands, would we not stay alive together? and better yet: if the people far away from the edge helps us back up, we would all be living.

call me naive, call me stupid. 

i believe in a simple truth, and that is in being selfless.

it counts. 

it makes a difference.

would you come and counter the cultural norms with me?

i challenge you:

to help someone, even when you think it's not worth your time. 

to help someone, especially when you think it's not worth your effort. 

impact that person's life today.

fifteen: wonder.

i wish i could show you pictures and describe to you in perfect little words and phrases what i had seen and heard and felt today. i wish i took a video that spoke directly to all of the people's hearts in the world. i wish i had captured fantastic photographs and wrote incredible poetry on my little trip today--but no, some impacts cannot be made unless you are there on the spot. in the field. you must see with your own eyes, listen close with your ears, touch with your hands, speak with your mouth and stand with your own two feet on the ground where it is considered sin, where lust runs wild and greed creeps in every corner of the street. you must stand there, and walk the soil beneath your feet, march a confident march, and know that you are His. and that all of these people, they are His as well.

my trip tonight to Geylang was good.

good is the only word i have to describe it. because i think i've lost the ability to describe the whole thing in exact words. there are no exact words to tell you what i saw and how i had felt. there are none. the closest, however, is that while i was walking through the alleys with my friends for a prayer patrol, i thought a lot. i thought about these girls and wondered if they were afraid, sad, or happy. i thought of the pimps' everyday lives--lives during the day and not in the darkest night. i thought of their living conditions, and the girls' working environments: was it clean? was it safe? how were their clients treating them? were they willing or not? is this rape with consent? and i imagined. 

after the whole walk (or during, i can't remember the precise moment), i knew i wanted to write about a pimp's daily life. so here we go. 

THIS IS COMPLETELY FICTIONAL.

i rub my eyes. the sunlight is hot and bright. these curtains are useless. i add 'curtains' to the mental list of things i should buy when i have enough money. i never have enough money. because of these goddamn smokes and my goddamn bad luck streak in freaking gambling. i never have enough money. but that's alright. i like to work. i work only when the sun goes down. when the lights come on and when i bring the girls out. they like me. they like men. they're good girls, them. i protect them. i give them good portions of money from work. enough to get by, just like me. people are yelling outside my tiny room. goddamn people. shut up. it's noon and i need sleep, you idiots. i add 'new house' to the same list. maybe that was already in the list. i dunno, i have lots of things i want to buy when i have enough money. 

maybe i'll quit the smokes one day. maybe i won't. 

i'll never stop working though. i like work. i don't have to work in the day like most boring people do. i love my work. they're still yelling. what the heck are they arguing about? i stand up and reach for my pack of smokes. i light one up and breathe in black. the smoke fills my room. it's hazy and i almost choke. i had forgotten to open the windows. the air seems mustier than ever today, but the skies are a pretty shade of blue today as well. birds flying, cats mewing. it's hot, but it's a beautiful day.

bright and beautiful.

fourteen: the house of God.

going to CCF today was actually, i think, the first time in a while that i feel quite welcomed. not just by the spirit of God but also by the people. both were very, very welcoming today so it felt really refreshing. it was exactly what i had asked for. Pastor Martin, at the end of the service, mentioned resting in God, and truly that answered my prayer of desperation last night. i was running low on inspiration and felt quite horrible for not being able to draw for my friend on time for a 30-day challenge, and also i was feeling awful for not missing home. i realized last night that i didn't miss home at all even though my family needed me to help them move, so above all i just felt like an irresponsible daughter, a child who is having too much fun and is growing so selfish, so full of her own human desires that she's happily forgetting her roots.

nevertheless, the altar call today at church was so timely. to be reminded that Jesus knows us all by name, it really hit home. sometimes i felt like a dot in a million other dots, just another girl who is asking too much from God all the time. but today i know i was called to be someone for God, and not just anyone. i know i'm still on a vague path of surrendering my gifts to God, but being reminded that we are in a position where we can give up our gifts for God and even things that we dream of, desire of so deeply, that really struck me and as though His voice was speaking directly at me, it was saying, "I am worth sacrificing for."

i had to understand that.

i had to come to a point where i needed to be honest--dead honest with Jesus, and no longer shove my 'tiny' or 'petty' problems under the rug simply because i think it's not worth God's time. every problem we have is worth His time, believe me. i'm just realizing, at this very moment, that God has been speaking to me through the tiniest notes that i make from Homes and from church. that we should pray for everything and anything. that we should, and we can declare His name on anything, even for problems we take for granted.

today more people came to talk to me as well (: which was a pleasant surprise. i got to make some new friends, and friends i've already met before actually came to say hi to me, which was very heartwarming. going to dinner with the bunch was a nice experience. i hardly spoke, but i didn't feel trapped or cornered or even alienated. i was part of the group, and i think i just took more interest in looking at people and hearing their conversations. good food with good company. i know at some points it felt like i couldn't fit in either, but that happens even back at home so it's normal for me ahaha. i'm actually quite surprised at myself that i didn't feel even more upset or disappointed, really. maturity level up? perhaps.

all and all, it was more than i could ask for today.

thanks, God.

thanks for e-ve-ry-thing.

You're the best, and You always will be.

thirteen: at sea.

Semester At Sea is a one-of-a-kind exchange programme that brings you all around the world on a floating university. i know this sounds like an outrageous television marketing scam, but believe me because i just met the students who are on the Spring voyage around the world, today. 

it's incredible. you learn on a ship. you dine on a ship. you sleep, eat, drink on a ship. you are stuck with the people on the ship for a long amount of time. the ship is 80% of your life (i think) for 4-5 months. the ship, depending on which voyage you signed up for, takes you around the world to different countries and cities, allowing students to come close to real-life artifacts and stories, as though magically transported to the places within their textbooks via a TARDIS (if you do not understand that reference, you should educate yourself on Doctor Who). 

you have never heard of this programme and it still sounds like a scam?

guess what. they're celebrating their 50th anniversary this year. 

given the opportunity to talk to people from the ship was pretty amazing. they tell us about their lives on the voyage--how laundry is incredibly expensive (that's 6 USD per wash and it's not even the normal laundry size you do) and how food is pretty much the same everyday. how even though there are more than 700 people on board the ship, it quickly becomes a very tight-knit community where you know everyone. 

anyways, i'm leaving you with a video. i haven't actually watched this because it's kinda long, but it should give you a rough idea on how it is. it's about 20,000 USD per semester, so consider it if you're really interested heheh. it was a great experience being able to host and talk to some of the people on board (: 

i apologize for the boring writing. :/

Semester at Sea - Your Once-In-A-Lifetime is Now from Semester at Sea on Vimeo.

twelve: blessed.

testimony #1: 

my friend Kelvin found out about David Choi's surprise fanmeet at Singapore and he immediately notified a bunch of us to get the tickets. this was such a golden opportunity to not just meet the boy wonder David Choi in person but also 2/3 Wong Fu Productions and our very own Jin&Reuben!

meeting them was such a blessing! David was a hugger, according to my friend haha. he hugged me even though i didn't ask for one, which was really nice of him. i drew them all little cards of themselves in like 20 mins, which was crazy-rushed and i wasn't fully satisfied with the results but i knew i had to do it. the looks on their faces were priceless, especially Wes, when he was the only one who realized i just drew it for them hahaha. i think he saw me drawing in front of the stage.

nevertheless, it was such a fun time with these guys, just watching them. i know now that one of my dreams would be to work with Wes or watch him work. not to say i hate Phil and Ted and the rest of Wong Fu, but there's something about Wes' style and attitude that really attracts me. he's also the designer of all the awkward animals, i think. real down-to-earth people right here!

testimony #2:  

because i had to attend this fanmeet in the afternoon, i wasn't able to attend CCF yesterday, so i went to visit New Creation Church instead, which was probably the most happening church in Singapore hahaha. the size of the church definitely shocked me, and the fact that we had to wait in line to get in and things like that, it amazes me, what people go through each week just to get into church to meet God. 

okay but here's my testimony. so i didn't take a picture but their communion 'wine/bread' looked like this:

and it was being given out to people as we switched escalators (the theatre had 3 different floors and i think it was on the 5th floor onward. theatre was in a mall). i didn't know what it was at the moment and only when i went on the escalator i realized and saw that people were holding their communion bread and wine. so, quietly, in my heart, i told God, it's alright, it'll work out somehow. or else i guess i won't have to take communion. it's fine i guess.

as the worship session was over, it was time for communion. so i looked around awkwardly, still hoping some ushers were holding extra communion sets, but nope, no one was giving them out anymore. then this aunty who was sitting next to me kinda nudged me a little and told me "i have extra" and just gave one to me. i was in shock. i was prepared to not take communion, to just say a little prayer in my heart and apologize for my blurness, but God insisted. He wanted me to partake in communion. 

it was such a blessed time at NCC, and truly this was something i thanked God for.

testimony #3:

i was supposed to volunteer for a local soup kitchen team this evening, but i felt really tired from the volunteering on saturday and sunday's fanmeet that i had to decline and told my friends to go on their own instead. i felt a little guilty, turning them down and leaving them on their own, but most of all i was worried, because it wasn't exactly the same location we went last week, even though it was around the same area.  

at around the same time today when i was worrying about this, i received an e-mail confirming with me whether or not if i was attending a meet-up thing for exchange students. finally i replied them yes, and shortly afterward, the lady in charge of the soup kitchen texted me that they didn't need so many people today so all of us didn't have to go! that took the boulder off my chest and i felt relieved.

#testimony #4:

i had a short break in between classes today and i went to the Forum Bookstore to buy candy. i stumbled upon a stack of books on sale and managed to get a book that i actually needed for only $5! it was the exact same version except maybe slightly older. but i was happy nevertheless!

#testimony #5:

so i came back for the exchange students meet-up thing thinking that i would need to pay $4 as mentioned in the e-mail, but after a good time of getting to know new friends and eating away, my new friend Abigail told us the exchange students did not need to pay.

and in between all of this, i saw Michelle Ng post this on Facebook today.

the caption said:

"Just received a few more @ActsCampus Camp signups here at #ThirdFloorSS15. Even before the actual camp begins, mountain-moving testimonies have also been pouring in, especially after students choose to step out in faith despite challenges in finances, family persecution, exams and classes.. Young people can make radical decisions for God. And God will honor that. Let the revival lifestyle begin. #RESTART2014 #IAMREVIVAL

Have you signed up for your life to be changed? What are you waiting for!"

believing for MORE!

next up : actually receiving my scholarship!

hoping to receive it BEFORE i go back for camp so i can return money to my parents!

eleven: how quickly i would fall apart and be put together again.

Valentine's.

that one day, that one night, that people should not be dramatic about.

but we are.

i spent my Valentine's night at church, listening to couples talk about relationships. from finding the right person, courtship, conflict management to even sex, it was a great session listening to their experiences and their viewpoints. so the session ended and i felt alone. i felt like God was around but i was the only one who could see Him. i mean, the people were great, and it's partially my fault because i wasn't even trying to talk to people, and looking at people celebrate Valentine's is... well yeah it hurts, haha. it's not a sharp pain in my chest or anything like that at all, but the fact that i have not been in a relationship, it kinda sucks.

i know this is very much conditioning by our societies, but sometimes you get a little sick and tired of hearing to 'wait for the best person' or 'be patient'. and especially at times like these when a massive group of people celebrate love on the same day, it kind of magnifies what we don't have.

no, i'm not going to run into a guy and ask him to be my boyfriend now, but i'm just saying, it would be nice to be in a legit relationship with someone who likes you back for all the right reasons. it would be very nice indeed.

anyways, i don't want to ruin your holiday with my sulking, so have this video instead.

right now i'm just feeling very panicky about everything.

it's scary, i have to say, to not even know what i want in a guy. i don't have a detailed plan like most girls do. i don't have a checklist. and that's pretty darn scary. 

happy Singles Awareness Day.

ten: back on track.

so i went for UTown CF(i think? haha not so sure but i know it's a campus-wide one) tonight and had a great time studying God's Word there. being able to share thoughts, stories and experiences, it kind of opened my eyes to yet another world i have not seen before. to a world of different Christians but most of all, to just a huge world of God's children, all made in His image but all same and different simultaneously. it's a wonder, really. to be able to see different spirits, different opinions, different attitudes. it's humbling. to take it all in and think, wow, God, this is all You. 

i also felt very encouraged by a friend who told me how thankful she is to have me here as a sister in Christ to guide her and just be a friend to her. i never really saw myself in a position where i would begin speaking into people's lives, but now i see where i am and i think, i can do this, with You. only with You. it's amazing, how God orchestrates events and brings people together. we adjust our focuses together and we look to God at the same time, all while encouraging one another never to stray away, never to give up, never to look at our problems and think: whoa, look at these problems i have. they're huge.

instead, we look to Jesus and know that our problems are tiny compared to His capabilities and abilities. 

it's been a timely reminder, God.

to come back to You in a time of trying to catch up with studies, volunteering work and even getting to know people. everything's so new that even getting to know You has become somewhat a new experience. and that's great, because we get to see You in a brand new light. we get to mature, to grow in You, and see that nothing is ever more important than You.

thank You Lord, for tonight.

for all that i have. 

for all that You have called me to do.

thank You, above all, for saving my life.

nine: progress.

it's week 5 this week. that's like 2 weeks away from my recess week and some deadlines to meet then. time passes really fast! it feels like my time here in Singapore is already almost half-gone! goshhhhhh. and i barely did anything yet. i guess i'll have to go spend recess week at Universal Studios all day everyday hahahha.

being in Singapore has been fun. more precisely, being in NUS has been an interesting journey. meeting different new friends and putting myself out there again because there's no comfort zone to retreat to, it's been quite a challenge and it still is a challenge to me. i think the best part of the entire journey right now is actually getting to know my batch of exchange students even more. personally i'm not the kind who likes to get to know a lot of people at a shallow level and then forget their names later (that happens easily), but getting to know people at a different level, to know their stories and experiences, that's the valuable part.

just a short one today i guess. haven't been doing much art but i'm going to challenge myself soon. loads of reading, writing and drawing to do soon! it's even been a while since i actually sat down and wrote in my actual, physical journal. i think i've been straying away from God a bit these days. things in life can get pretty distracting.

be back soon, blog!

meanwhile, have this for Valentine's!

eight: Service-Learning.

so... making videos is kind of addicting.

i know i'm no good at it yet, but to be able to capture not just moments, but moving moments, there's something infinitely captivating about that. to be able to store these time periods and put them together to make a video for everyone to see instead of just photos, it's incredible.

i'm not saying photography's lost its flair in me already, but discovering this new world of recording videos or even filming has been interesting. it's a cool realm to dwell in. to be able to shape and mould a story so easily seen by people, videos have possibly become the easiest medium to reach out to people, to tell stories of fantastical wonder and emotions, and most of all, to speak directly to our hearts.

here's to less sucky videos! 

i'll try to make more stuff next (:

p/s: the Service Learning Workshop has been great. knowing that with our two bare hands, we are able to gather into teams, plan and organize simple activities to help the needy, and that we are able to learn so much from such an experience, it's great.

seven: happy.

you know, there's a quote out there that goes like this: 

"i don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody."

for many years now, even up until today, right this moment, i still find myself battling with this saying. i have had friends warning me to not be so kind to everyone otherwise i'd be taken advantage of; to not try and make everyone happy because it's impossible, and it'll only leave me in a bad place. in conclusion, the world thinks trying to make everyone happy is a stupid, unrealistic thing to do. 

and today, i finally realize why it has been so hard for me to compromise with this saying. as a self-proclaimed artist, i haven often drawn pictures to please myself. i imagine myself as the characters i create, i imagine myself living impossible lives, looking impossibly different and behaving completely unlike myself. i have fallen in love with drawing people since a long time ago, not because i fall in love with the characters themselves, but because i fall in love with their entire lives, their existences, and picturing myself living in between these dimensions. drawing gave me that space of impossibility.

as of late, however, i have found myself drawing to please others. my primary reason to draw, to make art, is no longer to just please my own imaginations, my own stories, but to convey others' thoughts, others' stories, others' voices. that and to project my own voice into someone else's soul directly, through art. i draw to encourage. i draw to give. i make art to make people happy. and it feels good. not because i get a thank you afterward or because i get flooded with compliments. those are good, yes, but the very main reason is when i make someone's day a little better. i feel important. and it feels like i've made a change, an impact, on someone else's life, even for just a little bit.

it is as though i have realized my true purpose, and as ironic and cliche as it may sound, it is, to make others happy. with my art. it is the smile on their faces when i pass them a hand-drawn card; it is the quiet expression of amazement and disbelief when they accept my art; it is the happiness that somehow, pours through their eyes, their lips, their hands, their entire bodies and souls. it is when i make someone feel a little better on a not-so-good day, that i feel the best. not because i feel like i have authority over their lives, to be able to change the course of their lives so easily, but knowing that i am able to change someone's day so easily, and doing it, executing such a simple idea of making someone's day. it is such a simple gesture, to make art that makes people happy. i believe, that is the purpose that i have this God-given talent.

then, their happiness becomes a part of mine, and mine a part of theirs.

and so, this is why i find it hard to not please everybody. 

i think it could be embedded in my soul, wanting to make people happy.

it's annoying, i know.

but i do it anyways.

recklessly.

six: sameness.

there's one scary thing about Singapore. it's a small nation. it's a strong nation. it takes about 45 minutes to get from one end of the island to the other (one of the fastest ways, at least). crime rates are extremely low here. but there is one thing that scares me. it used to be comforting to me, but now it feels like i'm trapped.

i used to have a strange love for franchises because whenever you go to a foreign country, as long as there is a Subway chain or even McDonalds, you feel that something familiar has followed you from home to this brand new country. you feel comforted because it's something you know. it's not something you are completely strange or unknown to. that's why seeing a franchise in a different country has always warmed my heart a little, because it feels like 'hey, there's something i know about this strange, new world after all'.

Singapore though, Singapore live on franchises. if you don't have a franchise business, you won't be able to survive as a business. that's how it works here. so, unlike Malaysia, Singapore doesn't have its fair share of roadside stalls or even independent stores. here, it is franchise after franchise after franchise. every city or town you go to, there is bound to be something you have seen on the other far side of Singapore. there must be. perhaps due to its considerably small size also that it is why Singapore encourages this culture so heavily. instead of creating competition between hawker stalls or stores, why not just create one brand, make a franchise out of it and create equal job opportunities for others? (in turn, eliminating the competition as well)

actually, i wouldn't know. this is just my speculation.

it's scary to me because it feels the same everywhere you go. turn right and there's a mall. turn left and there's a park. everything seems so predictable and business-like. there are no more secret treasure troves, no more hidden good food. all there is to Singapore is Ya Kun Kaya Toast, Koi, Mackers(McD's) and God knows what else. 

although, there is a contradiction within Singapore. it's peculiar for a country which promotes sameness and mass production, to have a striving art scene. food-wise, they have all sorts of independent cafes (who may or may not be associated with one another somehow); art-wise, Singapore has a flavourful array of musicians, visual artists, and pretty much everything and anything you can name. Singapore allows the freedom of art here, but controls it and suppresses it somehow with this repetitiveness of the nation's system. same buses, same tv channels, same food, same clothes, same shoes--all the same.

we live in a continuity of sameness and difference. 

clash and crash.

five: noise.

the dead eyes. the soulless walk. the meaningless talk. who exactly are we trying to impress? who, in fact, is in control of your tiny little world? we dress expensively. from head to toe, from touch to smell. we want the best. we work so hard. all for what? to get a job, to earn a living, to live a dream?

what are, our true purposes?

we walk anyways. everything around seems highly intelligent, beautiful, extraordinary--artificial. organized and planned to the microscopic details. this is what i see of this nation.

but creativity tries to burst forth. you allow it, but do not fully support it.we stand in a complete blur, waiting for our reward, our applause, our form of appreciation. we put life into your soldiers of precision and technicality. we, recklessly--yet still with a fair amount of accuracy and wisdom--force you to look. to hear. to listen. to think.

we run wild. we break rules, stereotypes and conservative ideas. we stop being dead.

we are alive.

so um, i wrote this just this afternoon when i felt pretty pent-up with emotions somehow (i blame hormones and i also thank them sometimes). i know it's messy and unorganized, but it's all inspired by Singapore. i attended an art thing yesterday night and it was great, so this is what sort of came out of it. 

four: welcome to the hype.

 so my friend brought me to Singapore's East Coast Park yesterday. it's huge, having to bike around the park to probably actually finish going around the park (and it took my friend 2 hours to reach the other end the last time she was here.) 

leaving, the sound of the ocean.

return, to the timeless waves of the seas.

swallow me, sand.

take me home.

(that's Li Synn. she brought me to East Coast Park :D)

one step at a time now; i've got you.

the rush of adrenaline and the brief moment before you crash into the water.

waiting.

we've waited for so long, my dear.

thank you, for waiting alongside me. thank you so much.

(this photo has been edited to look like an older photograph)

(this was on rental for $30. gah money-sucker. 

we almost wanted to rent one until we heard the price.)

let the real fun, begin. 

possibly my favorite shot of the day, because this other Malay dude skater was just walking in front of me as i capture this shot haha. lovin' this moment.

this boy and a few other really young scooter-ers(wha) were really good at what they did! 

they did so many incredible tricks i really just lost count. gah kids.

mad respects for this kid because he was so polite about people stopping his skateboard from rolling away or even apologizing when he almost knocked kids down or anything. really proved the stereotype wrong. (:

glad to know that skater kids who are genuinely passionate about this sport do exist :D

respect!

also really love this one for some reason.

this is also one of the funniest and most dynamic photos i caught. this guy was trying to do the same trick over and over again but he couldn't quite perfect it. 

my friend and i were just looking at him, waiting for him to succeed, but we left before he did it.

end and rest.

shooting people skate at the park was a fun experience--but i've learned my lesson to be more flexible and not so disgustingly attached to my 50mm lens but switch to a good ol' kit lens for outdoor shooting. i'll try to do that the next time, provided there's copious amounts of sunshine. (I HATE LOW-LIGHT CONDITIONSSSSSSSS) anyhow, just another photo blog post. will do more shoots soon :D maybe a campus one next?

class tomorrow! see y'all!

three: time.

with only 2 days of classes per week, i actually have 5 days off and honestly i'm getting more and more bummed about what i should do. obviously there is the workload that i should clear bit by bit (or chunks by chunks), readings and whatnot. there are papers due before recess week so there's that. and i should be completing my volunteering hours as well (that's 15 hrs in total) but i haven't got a clue where to start. i don't want to end up volunteering for some summit or event but i guess if i have to, i'll have to. 

i haven't really gone shopping because well, everything here in Singapore is about the same price as Malaysia, except now the currency is twice as high. which is a problem. i don't know who to hang out with because it seems like so much effort to hang out with new people, getting to know them, but i suppose the effort is inevitable--we have to start somewhere. 

good news though: i got myself a new smartphone (FINALLY) and data plan so now i might actually navigate myself around on days i don't have classes, and go explore new places. hopefully i won't have to spend a lot of money. i'm definitely going to take myself on art adventures--look for art galleries and artsy places and take photographs or draw or write there. sounds like a great pastime. 

all and all, i should stop waking up so late and start sleeping early as well. feels like my first week in Singapore has been superbly unproductive, if anything. 

off i go to church.

even this post has been sleazy and lazy.

photos from East Coast Park soon. i promise.