you don't have to be happy all the time.

it's okay to have mixed feelings about your job.

i say this because i started out at a place where i really loved what i was doing. i thought i was incredibly lucky to be doing something i absolutely loved and was half-fearful that this joy would one day slip away.

true enough (like many other things in life), the joy did go. i couldn't figure out why i was unhappy with my job, or bored, or tired, or frustrated, but i was no longer happy 100% of the time. i just wasn't. above all, i couldn't understand why i wasn't happy like i was from before. i had a hard time coping with the fact that things change, and time moves forward, and sometimes things just can't go back to the way it was.

what's not okay, though, is to complain about your job. (or anything at all, but since we're on the topic of work, i'll talk specifically about that)

i spiraled into a series of complaints and victimisation of myself. i blamed others for the situation i was in, the range of emotions i felt, and the hurt i had to go through. it wasn't pretty at all. and to be really honest with you, some parts of me are still stuck in this spiraling abyss. i'm still tempted to put the blame on someone else, because it's easy. but it's not okay. i hurt people in the process. friends and family who loved and cared about me got some edge of my blunt sword. it was not okay at all.

it's okay to have mixed feelings about your job.
talk about it to process your thoughts. try to observe your words, your emotions, and the way you react to things, especially with whatever that's bothering you more than usual. the most important thing you can do in a time like this is to process your thoughts and feelings. you can lick your wounds, you can also occasionally question your situation, but try to steer away from complaining excessively. it really doesn't help.

my point is this: it's okay to have mixed feelings about anything you think you used to enjoy doing. 
feelings are fleeting. things change. time moves forward. nothing stays quite the same over time. this thing you have, it might still be of importance to you even though you're not as happy about it anymore. you don't have to feel happy about it all the time. take some time off to really ask yourself how did you get here in the first place. understand your process, you might just find something rather valuable as compared to joy.

one year.

approximately a year ago.

this time last year, was the end of my four-day trip in Penang with team Mossery. this was my very first encounter with the team. i was also about to lose my grandpa, as well as witness one of my first international weddings later on. 

many events have taken place in between then and now.

the fact is this: everyone talks about these events, don't they? what has happened, how it has affected them, et cetera. well, here are some things that hasn't quite changed about myself throughout the year: i still feel as unconfident about whatever i am doing sometimes, catching myself feeling like an imposter; i can still get into crazy emotional bouts (though i do acknowledge that i get better at these things); and well, the most infamous one of them all that absolutely everybody and nobody cares about - i'm still single. 

jokes aside, i want to tell you about the things i've learned over the year. 

1. relationships that come and go, as well as those who stay

i've always sucked at managing relationships. i have almost no habit of asking people to go out just so i can get to know them better. i only ask my closest friends to hang out because i know i'll enjoy their company. hence, i'm quite terrible at evolving relationships from being acquaintances to hi-bye friends to actual, problem-sharing friends, unless i truly enjoy their company since day one. 

and i never learn my lesson. in the past year, i've seen many people come and go at Mossery. whether it's my bosses or colleagues' friends whom i'm curious about but pretty much have next to no chance of getting to know more of, to friendships that i somehow manage to miss entirely because i was either too busy being task-focussed or i was just too occupied with trying to read the person. 

i keep telling myself to hang out with different crowds so i can get a chance to get to know different people. but i seem to enjoy getting to know someone at a very deep level more than knowing many people at many different levels. however, i'm thankful that i have a handful of friends whom i've gotten to know through the company who have decided to remain in my life.

2. self-development isn't just about reading all the books

it is, ultimately, about actually developing yourself. the fastest way to learn something new is to actually do it. reading books will help familiarise you with whatever techniques or particular concepts, but if you don't actually do it, you will never know if it works, and you will never really get better at it.

the first step is to always suck at it. nobody is awesome at what they do the first time they do it. there is no such thing as pure talent. people who look like they're gifted are usually the ones who work thrice as hard to hone their craft and skills. what we know as 'talent' comes mostly from hard work and strong discipline.

there are no excuses. there is only doing, and learning by doing.

3. whatever you do, don't hold back

note: this applies to everything except for anger. and any emotions that cause you to decide impulsively. (you must most definitely hold back on those) other than that, do not hold back.

i've learned that if i shy away from sharing my opinions now, either someone else will share it and it will seem like i have no ideas and i add no value whatsoever, or i will regret it later because we'll make some kind of mistake that has to do with the unspoken issue.

one of my values this year is to identify problems and solve them head-on. i have a terrible habit of 'neverminding' problems. 'it's okay, it'll all come around eventually' is not the kind of attitude one should have when you're called to be a problem-solver.

i've learned to run towards the problem rather than away from it and waiting for someone else whom i think is 'more skilled' to solve it.

4. die to the self, depend on God

it's really easy to depend on all the knowledge and experiences you have to move forward. it's logic. it's common sense. well, not exactly. especially if you already know God. He asks you to trust Him and silly little human you will go 'what?! You're asking me to trust You with all this money at stake?'

this is the creator of the Universe we're talking about. the One who is unchanging yesterday, today, and forevermore. this is what i said to Him, probably. so many times i shrunk away from trusting Him because i thought i could, i could do this and i could do that.

but what i do see now is this: He can. He has promised that He will and so He shall.

written in one breath again. i really should edit my work.

comfortable.

there's a post-it note on the side of my table that says 'comfort ≠ stability. it is a sign of warning.' it keeps my mind and heart aligned to not feeling complacent or pure contentment that it leads to laziness. it keeps me going.

i pause to re-examine this word today: comfort.

i understand the danger of being complacent. i simply cannot picture my life sitting at the same spot, being happy with doing the same thing. i want to live. i want to be uncomfortable, to seek for a discomfort that will keep growing me.

today, i find myself feeling happy. comfortable, almost. 

friends of mine will know that i cannot stop talking to them about my work. i work in Mossery, a local stationery startup that pushes and drives me beyond what i've ever imagined myself doing. (my friends are probably sick of me talking to them about this by now, so if you're a friend who fits this description, read no more)

i like being here. i really, really like it. and it scares me a little because i've never liked being at one place so much before. i've never felt like i could connect with a physical place, not even home. and i've never known myself to be a nostalgic person, but being in this company has made me more vulnerable and stronger all at once. 

allow me to explain.

1. the people
the essence of my love for Mossery is the people i work with. for almost all of my life, even my closest friends have half-joked with me, telling me not to 'think so much'. i've never felt all happy about this. i've always felt like 'thinking too much' was a horrible, unacceptable thing. and that it destroys me. at Mossery, i was actually told to 'think more'. well, of course, there's the doing part, but i'll talk about that a little later. being here gives me the freedom of talking about the weirdest possible topic. from aliens to Elon Musk to educating the local market on design, it stirs up my mind and lights up all of my neurons like you would see in a movie sequence when a character gets a brilliant idea. i feel like i belong here. (also, something i don't often feel.)

2. the work
i graduated from majoring in English Literature and minoring in Gender Studies. all i knew when i graduated, was that i wanted a job at a company so i could experience the corporate life and working with a team. but the truth was this: i hated any form of corporate jobs, yet i still knew that i had to learn how to work in an office setting to become a normal working person. i wanted that kind of an experience. i also knew i was setting out to write a book, but i didn't know what yet. the work at Mossery is extremely rewarding. i get to do what i love (which is to write, and sometimes, draw too), i get to talk to people (online or at bazaars), i get to have human connections with amazing artists all across the world, and i get to learn a million new things. it's a steep learning curve. it still is. but i love every bit of it. being in Mossery has taught me to not take work for granted, but be so clear and conscious about wanting to be excellent at what i do. 

3. the vision
i love people. five years ago, you may not ever hear me utter these words, but now is now and i will say these words again: i love people. the vision of me being at Mossery is essentially to bring people closer. closer to us, closer to each other, closer to strangers and friends galore. i hope to be able to fulfill this vision every single day. and i love being able to fulfill this vision every day as well. 

maybe the word isn't 'comfortable'. but i'm happy. and i'm scared. that i'm too happy. at one place. that scares me sometimes. like everything's going too right, and although they do go haywire at times, i still feel happy. i've just never felt such a strong feeling of being at a right place in the right time as being in Mossery right now. don't get me wrong, i'm scared for my life every day too—the sensation of never doing quite enough always comes back to haunt me. perhaps i'm living on that strange edge again: where everything can seem quite right even when it isn't.

nonetheless, it scares me. 

but it's alright, i suppose. being happy should be a thing. i just hope i'm not living in my own reality and being stuck here. if i am, please tell me. i would appreciate that a lot. 

Sunday musings.

two things today:

 1. it's easy to focus on results.

in a time when highlight reels of other people's lives carry the immense possibility of obliterating joy and inducing envy, it's really easy to just focus on the results. it's easy to hear good news and react like this: why do good things only happen to others? we lose sight of the grueling processes that people go through to achieve these results. we play ignorance to the fact that the friend who suddenly looks attractively fit is because they had been paying off the hours at the gym every single morning. we place all of our focus on the singular outcome that is seen by the eye. we subconsciously or consciously pretend that the people around us never had to go through stuff we do to achieve their wondrous results - whether it's scoring an A or getting to travel halfway across the world.

it's easy, so, i had to mentally slap myself this morning for focusing on the results.

empathy is an important tool in these situations. put yourself in the other person's shoes. experience what they've experienced to have come down to this single point. a gold medal was not earned from being happy and comfortable all of your days - hard work, pain, injuries, sleepless nights, emotional breakdowns, long chats about dreams and hopes and passion and desires, and more, are the ingredients to a gold medal. same to everything else. nothing just happens. everything comes in a process. be aware of it. your process will carry results too. you're just still in the process right now. focus on your process. give your best. your time will come. and even if it doesn't, acknowledge all of the lessons you've learned in the process and apply them to future processes. rinse and repeat.

2. breaking down big tasks into smaller ones. push yourself.

i went running/jogging/walking with my friends these evening. i had come home from church and was dozing off multiple times in the afternoon while i was typing on my phone. (literally nodding away and to the point of even almost dropping my phone) so i took a nap with incredibly restless sleep - i knew i was dreaming the moment i lied down. i woke up late to a number of missed calls from my friend, but pushed myself to get out of bed (in spite of being late) to go for that run anyways.

during the run, i knew i was not physically fit at all, so i ran for the first 1.5km and slowed down to a walk. halfway through, i was really tempted to give up and just walked the whole way. it was something i knew i could do. strangely enough, i began to set small goals for myself and pushed myself to go back to that slow jog anyways, however long i was able to keep that up. i was telling myself things like "if you could run to that bush, you can run to that streetlight. if you can run to that streetlight, you can run to that bench." every milestone was only a few steps away from each other, but i found it much easier to push myself like this than looking at completing a 4km run.

4km sounded big to me. running to the bench/street lamp/rocks was not. small tasks and goals work. just keep doing the little things and soon, you'll realise that you're getting big things done.

(i completed the run with a lot of hiccups and pauses in between, switching from running to jogging to walking to jogging and walking again, but i made myself finish it nonetheless. bonus: having supportive friends really help too.)

(no) time.

(no) time to eat,
(no) time to sleep,
(no) time to hang out with friends. 

(no) time to love,
(no) time to care,
(no) time to think about what's really right for the world. 

(no) time to read,
(no) time to know,
(no) time to live for the now. 

(no) time to live,
(no) time to live,
(no) time to live,
(no) time
(no) 

remember to live.

Just a short poem to remind me about living. i'm still in the middle of sorting things out and figuring out what to prioritize and what not to. Perhaps one of the toughest things to do right now is to actually wake up/stay awake to get stuff done. I want to do so many things - read, write, draw, watch movies, watch series, help people, volunteer, learn new things, travel, make a change; I have too long of a list to cross off.

I feel like I'm heading into a crisis. But we're all always in the middle of something big, aren't we? Sometimes we just don't know yet.

Amidst the chaos, the weariness, the exhaustion, the ever-changing winds of the days, remember always to think of your neighbour, of the person next to you. no matter how much time you've run out for yourself, don't exchange it for someone else's. be kind at every opportunity possible.

quick to listen, slow to speak, slow to anger.

be teachable.

i think that is the one key thing that will really keep you going on in life. even if you lose your passion, as long as you remain teachable and be open to foreign, curious, unknown ideas, you will find joy.

oh dear, it seems that we've started at the end. let's get back to the beginning, shall we?

*rewind*

these 'note to self' posts are very much self-realizations and journeys on my personal development, so here i am, talking about this stuff. mostly about how i perceive.

this one's about people and relationships. 

i've been told recently by a friend of mine to be more 'polite' in relationships because it reduces friction between people. i guess i've never seen it that way before, as i've always been a firm believer of hard and painful honesty; shortening the pain was the way to go and i wanted to remain entirely as my straightforward self. being 'polite' was/is definitely not second nature. it was probably... the hundredth nature. nonetheless, it brought me to a realization of how i've stopped being gentle with people, simply because i think they'd be okay with harsh comments just as i would. and i've stopped seeing my comments as harsh too, only honest. brutally honest, but certainly not harsh. (oh, don't our rationalities almost always get warped along the way?)

in short, i've become someone with a somewhat abrasive personality.

i suppose i haven't noticed that very successfully, since the personality i've publicized myself to be in the virtual reality is not only someone who wants to be honest inside-out about life, but also someone who strives to encourage and inspire others with her writing and art. i've been perceiving myself to be that encouraging person online, but i may not have been the entirely same person in real life.

my sarcasm shows very apparently in reality. i now have a gut feeling that this sarcastic personality of mine surfaced as a self-defense mechanism, so that i can lead people to think that i have a strong personality, countering the weak and low-esteem self whom i was just several years back. don't get me wrong, i am a much more confident person today than i was half a decade ago, but i think there will always be remnants of our old selves in us, having transformed themselves into something seemingly more useful or presentable or acceptable to us, the spirit, who perceives.

(i'm not sure either; i'm figuring all of this out as i write this too.)

i know this for sure, though: my sarcasm has a tendency to be that part of my personality that strives to impress. you know what i'm talking about. we all have that little part of us that has always been a bit too exuberant, too fancy, too beautiful, too strong, too bright--the part of us that we half-make-up so that we can seem like a bunch of more socially acceptable people. i'm pretty sure i have other Impressive Qualities as well, but sarcasm is definitely one of them. i don my sarcastic self to feel 'cool'.

on the other hand, i'm impulsive. especially when i speak. i don't think a lot when i talk (unlike when i write), so a lot of my words can sometimes be made up to sound cool, jumbled up because i lose the structure along the way, or even just plain nonsense for feeling nervous around people.

hence, all of this adds up to a somewhat abrasive personality.

so, back to being polite.

i'll try! i legitimately will. because i've come to realize also, that although i love to be my own one hundred percent self to everyone else, not everyone will come to love my one hundred percent self immediately when i present myself to them. sometimes it's not just because they don't like my personality, sometimes it could just be because i may be too overwhelming for them. or they're simply easily-overwhelmed people. or they've never met anyone like me in their lives before, and getting the full-blown one hundred percent Me is a major surprise and mess-up to their routine lives. i don't know. the thing is, every person is different, and every person receives and gives information differently.

note to self: just tone down. it won't hurt.
if the person does not even like the tone down version of you, then so be it.

moral of the story: be teachable. i didn't like the fact that my friend implied that i was not a polite person, but i knew getting angry over such a petty matter would contribute nothing positive to the situation at all. so i collected my thoughts, listened, and analyzed his thoughts. i took time to chew on it.

i've learned that people generally like it when other people listen to them. we all love it. so when someone gives you advice about life, even if this person may be 10 years younger or a divorcee or a known douchebag or a really old guy who's infamous for bad advice-giving, take it with a pinch of salt. take it with humility. be teachable. you may not want to live out all of their life advices, but take it anyways, knowing that these are true tales they are telling you; they're all experiences of their hearts, so take heart, and be humble. 

be creative.

we're two days away from Christmas, and i'm a mess.

i just finished one of the most stressful assignments to date (because i knew next to nothing about it), i have four pretty difficult papers to actually study for this semester, because they're all conveniently full of technical terms (the first paper being on New Year's Eve), i'm helping to produce an upcoming music video for church in January, directing 2016's PKVUM's Easter production and handling all the creative side of the committee within the whole of 2nd semester, stressing out about doing part-time illustrations for Idea Ink because i haven't done any in a couple of weeks now, and to top it all off, hormones are messing with everything that i'm feeling.

but amidst the chaos, just like every other time, i heard a voice.

Tigger here is just assisting me to hold the paper.

more often than not, when my mind sinks into a spiraling mess of an opaque abyss, my body goes into Panic Mode. Panic Mode is when i simply panic, and be highly anxious about everything, but i don't actually do anything about it. it's quite a toxic process because i end up procrastinating and feeling bad about procrastinating, hence sinking deeper into the said opaque abyss. however, like many of my other negative traits, it has progressed over the years, and it's not as bad today as it was three years back, though sometimes i do still find myself in rather rough situations.

tonight is one of those times. a few days back i posted a status on Facebook asking genuinely if anyone is actually sick of receiving my art as gifts, because the value of art is so subjective it can just torment the artist from inside out like this, and giving away one tiny part of your soul is never very fun when you suddenly realize the possibility of the receiver hating whatever that you've made for them, or worse, simply feeling indifferent about your work. tonight, as i finished that assignment, the stress didn't go away. the pile of projects--personal and professional--all came to haunt me simultaneously, begging me to somehow deal with them with equal parts of attention, which was massive to me. 

i showered, came back into my room, wrote the note down, and began to write here. 

you, my friend, as much as i do, need to hear this:

it's okay to be not okay.

we take for granted the cliches that come by our lives sometimes, that we forget how true they can be. it's okay to slip up, to procrastinate, to make mistakes, to not complete your tasks on time. it's okay. it's permissible, but it doesn't mean you should do it on purpose. i'm just saying that we're all human and we're not Santa's perfect little elves, designed to make perfect little toys in a perfect little world. we're far from it. living in a day and age of buzzing technology where we are demanded of our attention every single second of our lives, we almost always forget to look up at the sky, and enjoy letting our imagination going wild, thinking of a floating castle or making up silly things from the shape of the clouds.

so here's the deal: whenever you feel like you're panicking (and i'm speaking to myself too), stay calm, don't overthink, and do something creative.

now when i say do something creative, it doesn't always have to involve making things. it's absolutely great if you can make things--visual art, sculptures, ballads, jazz steps, documentaries, poems, anything! this is being actively creative. and i honestly believe everyone can do it. no, not everyone can be an artist of sorts, because that requires a very specific passion and direction, but everyone is definitely able to be creative! 

however, if you feel uncomfortable being actively creative, why don't you start with being passively creative then? all you need to do is pick up any form of resources, and you simply be the audience. it's as simple as going to the museum, watching a movie, catching a play, reading a book--anything that will let your mind wander. even the simplest act of stopping whatever you're doing, catching your breath, and observing your surroundings for a good 5 minutes, is being passively creative. you're letting your mind take a break from doing clockwork routines, so that it can stretch and have some fun imagining about endless possibilities. 

the most important thing to note? 

don't be afraid of mistakes. 

make them. make lots of mistakes. that's how we learn. that's how we get somewhere. that's how courage shows. oh yes, you've got courage in your heart alright. you just haven't seen yourself unleash it. 

merry Christmas, you. 

(thank you for reading my mega-long post. this happens sometimes.)

another one.

so here's the thing.

(i feel like i start my blogposts too many times with that phrase)

attraction doesn't work the way you(re:i) think it does.

stop it. stop posting things online hoping that the person you've been crushing on would suddenly notice your online presence and realize, 'wow, i never knew this person liked R&B too, omg, i think i'm falling for them!' stop hovering around them physically, tiptoeing your way around their friends hoping that they would hear how cute your giggle sounds (because you practiced all night) or notice that you put on that tie today especially for them (which you spent more than 30 ringgits on, so they better see it). stop being that person you know you'll run away from if you found out they're attracted to you.

just don't.

be goofy. be silly. be loud. be reserved. be shy. most importantly, be all of yourself. be that person you want to meet and get to know so much better. and oh, there's a difference between being yourself, and being a hyper-extension of yourself. you're good enough. you don't have to up the perkiness or the intelligent talks. you're where you are, and you're perfectly imperfect. we all are. they are too, the person you're attracted to. we're all flawed. i know this is said too many times on a daily basis already, but can you please just stop putting up a front and just be yourself?

no, i'm not saying you should stop dressing well or suddenly be so wary of the way you project yourself to others. just be okay. wear that dress, if you feel like it. feel sad, if you're not having the greatest day. don't be peer-pressured into trying something you know you absolutely don't want to venture into. do it when you know you're ready to try it. take risks you know you kind of can handle. don't be the other person's perfect version of who they're attracted to--or what you think it may be, really.

stop lying to yourself.

you're not a big-eater.
you're not a music person.
you hate dancing.
you don't even like to go to bars.
you think spending money on fine dining is crazy.

you could be anyone of these people or none of it, but just stop trying to convince yourself that this person you're attracted to won't like you. or the way you think. if they do, they do. if they don't, be their friend. and yet, at the same time, if you do end up having mutual attraction, allow space for change too. be open.

remember.

to the days unwell,
the hours darkest,
the silence eternal;
remember to die.

remember to live;
refuse to be taken away.
do not let:
unforgiveness, anger, pain,
sorrow, misery, disappointment,
take you.

to the days of ill,
remember your soul.
of wonder, of hopes,
of dreams, and of all things forgotten.
remember, remember.

one step at a time.

you should know by now that i'm not the most rational, clear-headed person in the world. not even close. i have always been emotional. melancholic. not dramatic, but overly-sensitive in a way. recently i've been trying to deal with that more seriously, not wanting to let my emotions take steer of my life and let it bring me through waves of intense ups and downs.

the deduction?

it's 

not

easy.

of course it's not. handling your emotions is not as easy as dealing with the physical. you can't just move things around like you would to reorganize your room. don't we all wish it was that easy? that we can throw Mild Depression into the garbage bin, then replace it with Contentment and water it with some Gratefulness to grow it into Joy or Happiness? that we can just hose Anger down, tear Misery apart and put Disappointment, Past Hurts, and Future Worries underneath our beds, where we don't have to see them?

we wouldn't be human.

yet at the same time, 

we can't let them take over. because the moment you let go of rationality and that bit of clear-headedness that you have left, you'll run on an overdrive of emotions, driving you straight into insanity as you tackle everyone down your path. that's not going to be a pretty sight.

i'm writing this now because i promised to be honest everywhere--not just in real life, but also on social media. emotions swarm over me all the time, but every time i learn to take control and not let them take over my entire being. like right now: although 80% of my body is saying i feel unloved, and i just feel like absolutely not doing anything, the other 20% of myself is trying to gain the upper hand, telling myself to work, to do stuff anyways, to keep myself in place in spite of the emotions shouting in my inner ears. i want to be honest with you, because i know i'm not the only one. we may not experience the exact same events or occurrences, but rest assured, you're certainly not the only one feeling like an ocean of mess.

i'm simply writing this to let you know, it's okay. it's okay to be emotional, but just like myself, learn how to counter it. i'm not asking you to pretend that all your emotions cease to exist. i'm asking you to try to listen to yourself clearly, what you really want and need to do in your life. are your emotions saying the same? usually they don't. usually, Panic and Anxiety lie to you, telling you that you're worthless and you won't be able to handle anything. but don't forget about your core. Hope will tell you to hold on. Faith will try to catch you when you fall. all of your dreams and hopes lie in your core, so don't let your emotions override that and take you on an endless roller-coaster ride which will lead you to nowhere. 

go on an actual adventure. ask Chance to hold your hand, and Trust, too. take a risk. take a leap.

don't just stay here anymore.

it's not easy,

but i promise you

it's not a journey you need to take alone.

it's hard, but choose to focus on the good. 

you need to choose to do it.

now.

today, my laptop crashed a couple of times and i was wondering if i had too many files on it, so i looked through my photo folders to see what i can delete, but i ended up on memory lane.

the pictures i have on my computer go only to five years back, when i had just gotten my new digital camera and i was so happy to be able to take pictures of everything and everyone. the lighting in the photos seem so poor to me now, but the people in it, their radiance and youth were captured and stowed away in a digital format. then i saw it. i saw myself.

i saw myself in longer, stringy hair. i saw myself in awful jeans and stupid jackets. i remember thinking that i was being very unconventional, not knowingly understanding that i was just being all out weird, who was, essentially, me. i cringed not just at my physical appearance, but the way i carried myself. i remember who i was five years back, when i was eighteen. i was the girl who was afraid to be herself and only got to be all out weird with her closer friends. i was the girl who did not know yet, who she was entirely, or what her purpose was to be. i was the girl who was shy, timid, and often taken advantage of because of my inability to turn down an offer to help others. i cringed even more, knowing how lost and confused i was, just five years back, and how much i tried to be someone i was not. i tried to be who the world wanted me to be. i tried to be happy without knowing who i am.

five years down the road, as i open the folder that said '2015', i recognized the girl in the photos to be myself. although i went through a series of experimental short hair, i ended up in a hairstyle that i really liked. i saw xinwei. i saw xinwei because i know that this girl, in 2015, has found purpose, and joy, and a direction in her life. she has found her identity. i saw someone who knew that she was more different than the usual kind of different, but pushed through and insisted on going against the current anyways, in spite of the difficulties and whatever the society was telling her. she found her identity not just in God, but in her friends, in her family, and in what she was passionate about.

it took a while, but she made it.

i'm not exactly at the pinnacle of my life right now. it's not like i don't have a single worry in my head and am doing all things with ease. but i'm glad i turned out better in five years. i'm glad i got to know myself a lot more through God, and other things. i'm glad that i'm still in the midst of figuring things out, because i believe that is what life is. we don't always know the whole plan, but we carry on with faith.

most of all, i'm glad that i like who i am today. i'm happy with being who i am today. not everyday, but at least on most days, i'm glad that i am who i turned out to be. i look forward to the future that God has in store for me.

what's the rush?

photo from tumblr.

as i sung love songs that did not tell my stories--because i had none to tell--a revelation fell upon me like the apple did on the frustrated scientist. i had yearned for scenes that would belong to my very own real-life chick flick: the laughter, the hands-holding, the forehead kisses, the movies together, the snuggling, the sleeping in bed all day and doing nothing, the IKEA dates. it was true: i was looking at a relationship, desiring it, only for the good bits.

but here is the revelation: what's the rush?

we live in a microwave world where everything must be heated up within 30 seconds and ready to go, ready to be eaten, expected to supply all the nutrients any other food would. we live in a microwave world where everything has a timer to it: the peak of your career, the climax of your college life, the expiry date of your singleness. everything. and to be honest, i'm sick of it.

i can't believe it took me this long to realize it, but i'm sick of the expiry date labels society decides to stick on each and every one of us, telling us when it is appropriate to get a job, date, get married, have children, retire, have grandchildren, and die.

the facts are these: we yearn to get that partner, that special someone in life, because we're at the appropriate age to do it. because other people are doing it and you're not, and they're your age, and it's appropriate. screw appropriate. as much as these things act as a sort of guide to everyone, we don't need to follow it. God has amazing plans for each and every single one of us, and if every plan worked out the same way, in the same timings, it would not be the beautiful, chaotic world that we live in. face it: some people bloom later than the rest, and some earlier than most. some live a short life and some don't--it doesn't mean one is less glorious than the other.

singleness is almost never praised upon. as much as we try to tell ourselves or the people around us that it is okay to be single, all of us secretly worship the idea of being with someone. to find that someone who thinks you're as special as them, who wants to love you as much as they love themselves. how is that not an attractive concept?

but let me tell you this: you are a glorious concept. you, working your way through your destiny--the half-written book that God has prepared for you; you, a beautiful mess, as much as you would hate to think yourself to be one; you, a being created not solely to find your other half, but a being created to create, to inspire, to love. you are a glorious concept.

i'll be honest with you. i yearn for it, that perfect disaster of a man, waiting to happen. the chick-flick that belongs to me, the story that i can tell, the love song that i can sing, one day. but i'm not going to let this yearning ruin whatever else i have in mind now for the world. there's no rush to it, i remind myself. there's only you, and God, and whatever else in between that can happen.

if it happens, it happens.
if it doesn't, other things are still happening.

don't rush your way through this, surrendering your heart to someone who only wants to see how high they can throw it in the sky before it shrivels up in mid-air.

fight hard.

it's so easy to forget.

blink.

there goes all your dreams, hopes, passion, love. you don't do it on purpose. life just seeps in very, very quietly. i see now how people can just drown willingly in their work life. it becomes a necessity. a way of life. it takes over without having to ask for permission. you let it grow, infest, and eventually it becomes the thing that cradles you in comfort every morning when you wake up.

you live in comfort knowing that you will have money at the end of the month, food to put on your plate, a house to live in, and other life necessities.

comfort is a disgusting word.

it acts like a drug. it keeps you happy. constantly and consistently. it sways you in the ocean of everything lovely and great and wonderful, occasionally throwing you a wave or two of disruptions that may come in the form of disappointment, grief, but soon you are overcome by waves of comfort, knowing that you are okay where you are and you don't need to go anywhere.

gratitude and comfort are two entirely different matters.

gratitude sparks a response. comfort does not.
comfort leaves you in a state of high, it numbs you, and pulls you into desiring this numbness of the body and soul.

it's so easy to forget your purpose, when you're comfortable.

keep moving. don't stay down. keep feeling pain. go further every time. try harder, again and again and again, especially when it hurts. stay alive.

stay alive, and don't forget who you are, and why you're here as you, in this time, in this community, in this nation, in this world. you are you, so please, be the best version of you. don't just let time slip by you.

(inspired by recent events, as in the re-watching of Fight Club, the realization that there are more important things that matter, and that i physically am unable to take on the mundane, routine life.)

adulthood: not what you think it to be.

hi. 

this is me.

i had chosen this photo because this is how i usually am in photographs. i don't really like to take nice-looking ones, as you can tell. i think smiling for a camera without actually feeling joyous is pretentious. and i don't feel the thrill of joy almost all of the time i get my photo taken. 

i'm turning twenty-three this year. now, why is that an important fact? because today i am going to talk about adulthood. yes. i said the a-word. today i am going to talk about what it takes to be an adult.

truth be told, i have no idea. 

i don't think anyone really knows--no, not even the adults whom you think are doing a great job at doing adult things like banking and paying their taxes. no. i don't consider myself much of an adult who has authority over people. honestly, but lately i've realized that more and more i am given that authority to speak over people's lives. that i can do it, i just don't believe very much that i'm good at it. 

you see, adulthood is about figuring things out. there is no rite of passage in the modern society that after you enter into it, you come out a changed person--an ADULT--and suddenly gain all the knowledge on politics, global economy, astrophysics, and ultimately, how to differentiate a latte from a flat white. there is no such thing, unfortunately. people don't just gain these information overnight (unless they read a lot in one night, theoretically it is possible). people learn. adulthood is defined by your experience. what you know are mostly the mistakes you've done, and what you don't know, are the mistakes you're about to make.

i think we associate the word 'adult' to a lot of things--but mainly expectations we think we will never be able to achieve. five-figure salary? antique china set? loans and investments? purchasing a brand new car and getting the insurance for it? most, if not all of these things, seem very large and out-of-the-world for me right now. i say 'me', because i know there are people my age, or younger than me, who are so much more matured than i am. age does not define your maturity. like i said, experience does. 

but adulthood is no mystery. it shouldn't be. adulthood, as i will tell myself many times in the near future, is something that needs to be explored and figured out on one's own. adulthood, is defined on your terms. adulthood is not just about banks, loans, mortgages, sales, recession, fine dining, faraway vacations; adulthood is about maturity. it's about taking responsibility and knowing how to deal with these things in a balanced way. it is admitting shame and guilt and pride. it is sucking it all up even though you feel like the bottom of the ocean, because you know better not to make your day worse. it is remaining a child at times when you need that inner child of yours to come out and play. 

really, it's up to you to decide what adulthood is to you. 

hi.

my name is xinwei.

i'm turning twenty-three this year.

unpopular.

it took me a long time to finally realize and acknowledge it, but here's the thing: i'm not called to be popular.

to be painfully honest, i've always wanted to be popular--and at the same time, i never wanted to be popular. i wanted to be liked. i wanted to be the person who would always make a crowd laugh. i want to be the confident girl who is funny, outspoken, and loved by all. but i never wanted to do it, because i've always knew, somehow, that i'm not built to be charismatic, and even if i can, it would be something that is created and not innately in me from the start. it would be a facade.

so today, i hear from God.
i'm not called to be the popular girl.
to be liked by many, to be making people laugh, to be the class clown, to be the most cheerful, optimistic, loud person in the room.

i'm called to be different. quiet, yet powerful.
and by different i don't mean talented, gifted, or out of the ordinary. yes, i could be all of that, but i know what kind of different i am. the sort of person people don't really talk to and laugh about the things i tell them. the sort of person that is so easily overlooked sometimes, because we're so used to being alone. the sort of person who feels like an outcast, who can be forgotten, or placed aside, or less liked because of our overly-specific thoughts and overworked emotions.i know i am called to be different because i was all of these.

i know i am called to be different so that i know who to look out for.
who to not forget. who to not leave behind. who to listen to.

i'm called to be unpopular.
don't get me wrong, this isn't a pity party post fishing for compliments. this is me, telling you how i truly feel. and this me, telling you that maybe, just maybe, you're called to be something else from what you had wanted to be, also. trust me when i say it won't be as bad as you think it might be, for not reaching your expectations of what it should have been--what you should have been. but God has bigger plans, much bigger plans, for all of us. and i take pride in being different, set apart from the usual crowd.

God has a plan for you.

twenty fifteen.

some resolutions i've noted down thus far:

1. Don't be afraid to break some rules.
2. Challenge one another more often.
3. To be more disciplined.
4. To be barefoot more often (figuratively and literally), to be unafraid to tread new ground.
5. Spend more time with people, even if it means sacrificing sleep or breaking some rules.
6. Be more fearless.
7. To be as honest as possible. To be unafraid to be honest.
8. Speak up.

this should be on my wall.