thoughts #10: settle down.

i think i talk about home quite a bit.

(side note: New Age Creators is one of my favorite things to watch on Youtube now. setting privilege aside, it's just a channel for a bunch of twenty-somethings talking and filming honestly about how they feel and whatever their lives are. it's one of the least pretentious twenty-something partially-vlog-styled i've come across.)

i once told people that although i have a physical house and i live with my family, i've never had a strong connection to somewhere i call home. unlike Penangites, unlike people who come from abroad, unlike friends who experience homesickness. i find myself to be someone who can quite easily just let go of past ties and move on.

or perhaps i just haven't been far away enough yet. for almost all of my life, i've stayed with my parents, but the times that i don't, i've actually enjoyed those experiences thoroughly. there hasn't been times when i've had severe breakdowns from feeling homesick yet, so i've deduced that either A) i haven't been far away long enough or B) i simply do not relate strongly with a single concept of home.

so... my friend told me that she and our mutual friend both thought that this city would not be a place they would want to settle down in.

'settle down'.

the only time i actually hear those words coming out from the mouth of someone my age is when i listen to Gentle Bones/Joel Tan's song of the same title.

which by the way, is brilliant.

i come from the big city, and i've gotten almost completely used to people coming and going, arriving and departing at this point of my life. it was a little strange when people started leaving this tiny little part of my world when i finished high school and i heard of friends or classmates going abroad to study, but it became my new normal. people come. people go. i get it. i get really good with goodbyes--though awkward, still, but i become almost emotionally detached when people tell me they're leaving. unless of course, they're really close friends.

but otherwise, go. go chase your dreams. go study abroad. go live your life. you deserve it.
(and i mean this in the sincerest of ways!)

i also come from a not-very-Asian Asian family. my parents have always vaguely wanted me to achieve success, earn a stable living, and be able to live a good life someday, but they never told me how to do it. i was privileged in the sense that i was given a lot of freedom in deciding what i wanted to do with my life, so long as i don't end up dirt poor. for example, even though my parents had always told me to do art as a sideline job and not pursue it as my main career, once i managed to prove to them how i was able to earn a living for myself, they were okay with it.

combining two of these elements together, you get someone who's never, in her entire life, thought of settling down, getting married, having children, let alone grandchildren. nope. i think the furthest i've gotten to planning for my future thus far, is wanting a condo unit to myself and having a cat or two with me. although i've always pined for that special guy to walk into my life and sweep me off my feet, i've always found comfort and joy in the alternative as well. being on my own, exploring the great unknown. it sounds like a tremendously exciting adventure to me, honestly.

it just feels a little sad that choosing not to settle down can be seen as something that is frowned upon.

what am i saying, you ask? i'm not quite sure either.
i'm just a kid who don't have all the answers to my questions.
i'm just a 24-year-old, curious.

perpetual adulthood.

roughly a year ago, i wrote about adulthood.

i talked about turning twenty-three and what adulthood meant to me.

a year later, i see a little bit differently.

i recently took the opportunity to watch a Malaysian production of Into The Woods, a musical that has always touched my heart and soul in ways i never thought it could be touched and transformed. my favorite song from the musical speaks to me a lot about adulthood. about growing up.

the gist of the song: no matter what happens, you're not alone. we all grow up, and things will seem less clear, less simple than it was when we were younger. no more mere rights and wrongs, and doing unto others what they do unto you. 'you decide what's good', based on what you believe in, what you know to be true. if you want to forgive a giant, then do it. if you want to love a witch, then do it. i find the song to be enormously powerful because it was sung by adults (Cinderella and The Baker) to the children (Red and Jack), which was one of the fundamental themes of Into The Woods. these relationships between adults and children--adults were once children too, and now they tell the younger ones about their experiences. they become storytellers of their own, and children too, will grow up to be another generation of storytellers.

it also talks about the mistakes that we all make: no matter who we are and how old or experienced we become, we're all human and we make mistakes. i really love how the adults tell the children to honor people's mistakes and fight for their mistakes, even, choosing to see the strength and necessity in making such mistakes, instead of finding fault in people, but at the same time without ever discounting the cost of these 'terrible mistakes'. somewhere in the woods that is adulthood, we're bound to lose our way a little bit, stray from the path, and make mistakes--but we're told that we're never alone. that no one is ever alone.

my favorite lines are definitely

"witches can be right, giants can be good"

it underlines the fact that nobody should ever be judged by the roles that they are assigned. just because the characters in the story are designed to be inherently evil (the witch and the giant), and even though they do act the way they're designed, Cinderella and The Baker refuse to believe that people are merely the way they were made to be. things are no longer as simple as they seem to be in the storybooks we read. 

as i've entered into my woods, though the woods are trees and the trees are just woods, i will be aware of wolves, of witches, of giants, of princes, of curses, and of anything in my path. the woods maybe a little bit dark and scary and uncertain of events, i'll know this in my heart: no one is alone. i can always count on someone, even if i think i'm in the loneliest of situations.

movie i'd love to watch! ...alone, maybe.

because i don't know many people who would enjoy watching movies about psychopaths in love or dystopian movies that don't involve strong female characters and young adult love.

(i really don't.)

first off, we have Mr. Right. 

ah yes, a title like that with a thumbnail of Sam Rockwell pointing revolvers at someone for the trailer video, what's not to love already? the first thing you need to know about me and movies is that i have a strong love/hate relationship with Sam Rockwell. he's played countless baddies throughout his acting career: the most notorious being Eric Knox from Charlie's Angels, as he was toying with Dylan's heart (which was as much mine) and threatening to murder our beloved Charlie once and for all; whereas the rest are him being quite lovable psychopaths (much like the one you see in this trailer). now, the only reason why i have such a strong love/hate relationship with this particular actor is because he is such an incredible actor that he would make you forget himself as a person for a good hour and a half, and just watch you from within the story, as your emotions and morale crumble at his feet.

seriously, this guy was the biggest douchebag of all time.

among other reasons, i also seem to be very fond of weird lovers. it's somewhere a little beyond quirky yet not too far till you reach batshit crazy. Only Lovers Left Alive, Juno, Zombieland, you name it. then again, my version of batshit crazy and yours could be infinitely different.

enter trailer #2.

i am highly aware that Anna Kendrick plays the naive (almost stupid) girl in both these movies, and i truly think there's an increasing demand in the market for her to be a little bit less badass and smart since Pitch Perfect and Into the Woods. i have absolutely nothing against that because she always ends up being smart and badass anyways.

here lies Ryan Reynolds. i mean, here sits Ryan Reynolds. most of my friends (i assume) would know that i'm a huge fan of Ryan Reynolds--to the point that i would watch all his crappy American-jokes-filled movies. (still haven't watched Buried, though. maybe i should do that.) Ryan Reynolds is the perfect American joker stock character. he's crude, he's sexy, he gets away with pretty much anything. however, The Voices says otherwise. i mean, he still gets away with anything--spoiler alert, he's a murderer--but he's a lot nerdier and weird in this one. count me in for a mental roller-coaster ride with Ryan Reynolds and his pets + dead girlfriend!

finally, something without humor and Anna Kendrick in it.

but you really need to be on my team for this one: who would miss anything with Tom Hiddleston in it? we all know by now that he's in way too few modern-day kinda movies. when you're signed to the Marvel Universe, you need to do at least 2 of those movies a year. which doesn't leave a lot of time to make other films, considering he's a theatre buff and those of us who are stuck outside of UK or US will never stand a chance to watch this man reciting Shakespeare live.

High RiseHigh Rise is an intellectual movie. sure, it's a book adaptation, but when you visualize a book to that detail, and then put Tom Hiddleston in the middle of all this chaos, you've got yourselves a highly acclaimed film. honestly, i'm looking forward to this one. not just because of Tom Hiddleston (though mainly he's still the reason), but because i'm a tremendous fan of dystopian stories. this reminds me of Snowpiercer already.

if you'd love to watch another Marvel superhero rough it out in a dystopian world, i'd recommend Snowpiercer.
lots of bloodshed though. you have been warned.

yeah, like i said. i'm going to watch most of these on my own. feel free to do the same.

have a seat in our backyard.

i love to travel, but my ideal travel experience is when i get to befriend the locals and they take me to their secret hideouts--whether if it's in the city or in the middle of the forest. i love that we get to share a secret together. be it their favorite coffee place, a hidden rooftop which has a killer view of the city, or even that alley that becomes their favorite spot, because of its ever-changing graffiti. it leaves you with a piece of information and perception that you won't be able to get through conventional tour guides and tour packages. it leaves you with a detail.

now, some of my friends have set up a thing that does exactly this: they bring you to places in Sarawak where the typical tour packages don't ever bring you, and they do it by empowering the local youths. these are the people who know their backyard the best, who knows every nook and cranny of their villages--every waterfall, stream, river, rock. they're not outsiders intensively trained to know the local grounds. this is where they grew up. this is their lives.

i love that the initiative is called The Backyard Tour Guide, because it is essentially, what is it named after. 'backyard' suggesting that they'll be bringing you back to their homes to show you what they've got in their vast and amazing backyard. and the best part about this initiative is that they help the youths to gain income at precisely where they live, instead of having to migrate all the way into the city and find a job there. by doing this, the youths will be empowered to preserve their culture and land. i know for a fact, from my lecturers who do indigenous research, that the knowledge and biodiversity of East Malaysia is falling out and vanishing because the youths are often told that there are greater opportunities in the city, leaving their families behind to opt for better jobs that will earn them more income.

i'm always supportive of the concept of local communities and economies. i believe in empowering the locals to work in the environment they know the best, and i fully trust that they do a great job because they're practically the experts on their environment! 

so if you're looking to go to Sarawak but you don't have friends there, well, fret not, because The Backyard Tour Guide is more than happy to help. and i guarantee you with our Malaysian hospitality, that you'll have a great time with them and their families as well.

so come, come take a look at the wonders of Sarawak's backyard. (:

beauty is in the eye of the beholder(or not).

perception of beauty has been one of the most important things in civilization, as beauty ideals were made up and then modeled after to seek recognition, approval, and acknowledgment. businesses and products also made use of this very same beauty ideals to sell different types of products to the consumers who subscribed to these definitions of beauty. 

it's interesting to see how beauty ideals and standards change through time and cultures.

(i'm really tired and i don't wanna type anymore)

just watch the videos and let me know what you think? (:

thoughts #7: creating content.

so for the past few days, i've been watching vloggers' videos on Youtube. particularly, this guy:



his name is Ben Brown. according to his bio, he's a two-time World Champion for kayaking. he's also a designer, a filmmaker (all in his words), and he likes to 'win stuff''.

i've been watching his videos and i've been wondering about how easy they make it seem life can be, and why these vloggers can gain their own fanbase on Youtube quite easily. they all come from rather wealthy families--well enough to be traveling about very frequently, getting all sorts of camera equipment and accessories that not everyone is able to afford. i could be wrong, and he could have saved up a lot of money or is really making quite a bucket of cash with his filmmaking or designing jobs, so please, read this all with discretion.

these are all solely my opinions.

so i wondered: how easy it is, for us to be living in an era where we are able to pick up a camera, record and document our daily lives, upload it on the Internet, and with a little luck and a lot of effort (or the other way round), you're somebody on the vast world that is known as the world wide web. you are now a red dot. a mark on Earth. people are watching your videos, watching your life, hearing your thoughts and they are all being affected by it. suddenly there are people who want to be like you.

it's so easy.

we live in a time where attention is gold. and videos on the Internet, particularly, is such a groundbreaking technology because it has surpassed the very old definition of telecommunication. it used to be writings, letters, then telegrams, phone calls, e-mails, ICQ, MSN, and now, we are at the peak of telecommunication: we can see one another, hear one another, even when we are on the opposite ends of this magnificent planet. telecommunication has become so easy. suddenly we have access to a hundred thousand million people's lives, and it is solely up to us, whose lives we decide to watch.

will it be news reports on war and famine? will it be about animals and people who love animals? will it be about people who travel all across the world, experiencing new things? will it be about famous rockstars and their lives on tour?

it's so easy to be influenced. we choose our influences. we choose our contents.

i don't know, i guess it just amazes me, how just some years back, fame and popularity seemed so impossible and out of reach, but now, with so many social media platforms, we are all shining brighter than we ever could, inspiring one another and being supporters of one another.

and i see the danger as well: of thinking of yourself highly and that if somehow you lose these bunch of fans one day, you would be very sad and down, not knowing that once upon a time, you lived life fine without these strangers you call 'fans'. being so focused on yourself sometimes can also be bad, because you're so into the whole vlogging business or even creating content for your 'self' that you forget about others. all you want the world to see is your 'self'.

really, just some thoughts. totally not pointing any fingers.

last words on this? i do enjoy watching Ben go on his adventures with his friends. i enjoy hearing the British accent, and more so because i've always dreamed about going to Europe one day, so i enjoy their culture and language and food quite a lot. it excites me and it's therapeutic at the same time. it's inspiring to me because some of his friends whom he hangs around with me, is actually my age but is doing so much more than i am. i know we're from different cultures and have different goals and all that, but yeah, i do enjoy seeing life from someone else's perspective.

it's rather refreshing, and it sort of keeps me going, wanting to save up and go to Europe even more because of all his daily adventures there.

although, the danger within is that i maybe too caught up with his chill life sometimes that i don't even feel motivated to do anything else other than watch his videos.

like i said, just thoughts.

thanks for reading my ramblings/word diarrhea.

here's a really random fan art i did of him yesterday night:

eighteen: inspiration cycle.

This is my story with The Cruisers.

About a month back, when my friend was in Singapore, I had entered Universal Studios Singapore for the first time, and upon entering, one of the first things I saw was this:

50s music sung by a 50s-esque boyband? what's NOT to love? I immediately fell head over heels for these four boys, oblivious to the fact that they rotated performers everyday. I was determined to get a fan art done for them, and i did.

Complete with fake names and fake signatures on the drawing because I didn't know their names AT ALL, with a little hope and a lot of faith, I e-mailed this to the Resort World Sentosa's e-mail, hoping for nothing but for the boys to at least just see my artwork. That was all I was aiming for. (but not God. He was aiming for a LOT more.)

A few days after I had e-mailed the artwork, the first miracle happened: the e-mail was replied. I actually sent it to their inquiries e-mail, so i wasn't even hoping that high, for someone to reply. The lady had said in the e-mail that she will show the artwork to the department which was in charge so it can reach the boys. (this was around the time i found out about the rotating performers, and my heart broke a little honestly)

days passed and nothing.

about a week or two later, another e-mail comes in.

Miracle number two.

Hi Xin Wei,  

First of all, thank you for the artwork that you sent in for our talents the Daddy O’s.
The artwork has been routed to the relevant department to send it to them.  

In order to thank you for your support to Resorts World Sentosa and the Daddy O’s, we would like to invite you for a personal meet and greet session with the Daddy O’s.
During this session you will be able to meet the four of them up close and personal.

My heart skipped a million beats and I thought I was going into a cardiac arrest. It was NOT something I was expecting AT ALL. Okay so I still refuse to call them the Daddy O's because that is SUCH a weird name, but this was a very, very pleasant surprise (edit: it turns out that these two ARE two different performances btw). I had fallen in love for their extraordinary skills in singing, dancing, and engaging with the crowd with so much passion. Imagining that these people (not just the four of them) having to repeat this all year-round 3 times a day with the same practices daily, that took my breath away. This is a next level sort of professional.

The Cruisers made me gain so much respect for performers who work at amusement parks or theme parks such as USS itself. To repeat a task over and over again is already tough, but to repeat it with a smile always on their faces, oh man, that is really what professionals do. I imagine the tired days and just days when you don't want to go out and perform for people, but you have to--it's so hard. But so worth it, for moments like this. When someone appreciates them. (':

I really do think that I made their day as much as they've made mine. This equal sort of giving one another inspiration is such a beautiful thing. When I finally met them in person today, and handed them my artworks, I could just tell by their faces that they were as excited as I was. Nothing beats this feeling--knowing that the appreciation and respect is going both ways, and artists sort of just salute one another, encouraging one another. I know it sounds really bollocks and absolutely prideful to put myself at the same level as them (BECAUSE THEY ARE SUCH AMAZING LOVABLE PEOPLEEEEEEE), but that was something that I truly felt from them. When they looked at my artwork, printed on paper, so thoroughly, the smiles on their faces made me smile because the art I have made is making the smile.

See? It's a cycle.
Inspiration going around in a circle. That's the best.

All in all, today was definitely an unforgettable day. Right now I'm even just watching the other performers who do The Cruisers' performances, and apparently Daddy O's only happen on weekends I think? One day I'll enter USS on a weekend just to watch the performances, I promise!

thank you for being one of my BEST memories made here in Singapore!

p/s: i still can't stop smiling from today!

p/p/s: Izzy and Aaron (the two boys on the left) even invited me out to dance when I went and watch them again after the meet-and-greet and GOSH IT WAS AMAZING.

p/p/p/s: Izzy was just kinda dancing with me gracefully (I HAVE NO IDEA HOW HE DOES IT BUT HE DOES WHILE ROCKIN' IT OUT) but Aaron literally just grabbed me and was spinning me with some sort of superhero strength hahaha.

thank you ALL so much.

and by ALL i mean all of the performers at Universal Studios Singapore, along with others in many other amusement parks spread across the world, for bringing smiles to people's faces. 

you are the best.

nine: progress.

it's week 5 this week. that's like 2 weeks away from my recess week and some deadlines to meet then. time passes really fast! it feels like my time here in Singapore is already almost half-gone! goshhhhhh. and i barely did anything yet. i guess i'll have to go spend recess week at Universal Studios all day everyday hahahha.

being in Singapore has been fun. more precisely, being in NUS has been an interesting journey. meeting different new friends and putting myself out there again because there's no comfort zone to retreat to, it's been quite a challenge and it still is a challenge to me. i think the best part of the entire journey right now is actually getting to know my batch of exchange students even more. personally i'm not the kind who likes to get to know a lot of people at a shallow level and then forget their names later (that happens easily), but getting to know people at a different level, to know their stories and experiences, that's the valuable part.

just a short one today i guess. haven't been doing much art but i'm going to challenge myself soon. loads of reading, writing and drawing to do soon! it's even been a while since i actually sat down and wrote in my actual, physical journal. i think i've been straying away from God a bit these days. things in life can get pretty distracting.

be back soon, blog!

meanwhile, have this for Valentine's!

eight: Service-Learning.

so... making videos is kind of addicting.

i know i'm no good at it yet, but to be able to capture not just moments, but moving moments, there's something infinitely captivating about that. to be able to store these time periods and put them together to make a video for everyone to see instead of just photos, it's incredible.

i'm not saying photography's lost its flair in me already, but discovering this new world of recording videos or even filming has been interesting. it's a cool realm to dwell in. to be able to shape and mould a story so easily seen by people, videos have possibly become the easiest medium to reach out to people, to tell stories of fantastical wonder and emotions, and most of all, to speak directly to our hearts.

here's to less sucky videos! 

i'll try to make more stuff next (:

p/s: the Service Learning Workshop has been great. knowing that with our two bare hands, we are able to gather into teams, plan and organize simple activities to help the needy, and that we are able to learn so much from such an experience, it's great.

I'm Yours.

today, marks the first time i sing on stage.

always TGIF.

so i thought i'd share some of the videos i saw today that made me smile.

here is Gabe Bondoc, a Youtube singer who has a very, very special place in my heart, singing John Mayer's Stop This Train, which is one of my most favorite songs in my entire lifetime so far.

here is Wong Fu Productions' newest video, Expired!, and believe me, it WILL crack you up. the amount of bromance and drama in this short is fantastic.

last but not least, the most pleasant surprise of the day yet--Jinnyboytv's newest video on Chester See, Jason Chen and David Choi's time in Malaysia for the IM4U event. 

the surprise? 

my artwork is featured at the end of the video!

albeit having to wake up early for a last-minute cancelled class, i think this was exactly what God had in mind for me today. a good, contented day ahead. Big Campus Welcome Party is happening tonight, and although most of the people i invited told me they won't be able to make it, i'm just hoping for the best and praying that God will touch lives. 

have a great Friday and weekends y'all!

here comes the fighter.

often times you find yourself in a rut, feeling sorry for yourself, feeling undeserving, unworthy, and just not good enough for anyone or anything good. let me tell you this : often times i've been there, sitting by your side, doing the same to myself. 

is this a motivational post? maybe. but only because i felt crappy when i came back from dance practice. let me tell you how i felt just now. when i sat down and watched the rest of my friends dancing, the realization of me not being part of this group cuts me. deep. i wondered about dance and my passion for it--if it really exists, and i wondered about things being done too late. beginnings are always the hardest, believe me. it's always the first part, the first time you do something, then the second and third time, that makes you feel so unworthy and just plain bad about everything that you feel like you cannot pull through. that is the very first test you are given whenever you start anything. 

and i am happy, that i inherited the hard-headed-don't-give-up-until-you-die attitude from my dad. 

you know that gut feeling you get when you feel horrible about doing something you kind-of-maybe like and it tells you to stop, give up, and move on? and that it's perfectly okay? of course it's okay, but you ain't gonna' be a fighter if you keep that up with whatever you do. or half the things you do. or even if it's just one thing. it's going to break you from the inside, and you're not even going to notice it. 

my advice? be the fighter.

be that guy you always wanted to be: that fearless guy who does whatever he wants and whenever he wants it. be that guy who perseveres to the end. be the guy who strives through and makes it in the end, surprising every single person who knew him. be the girl who's unafraid, who will not listen to others and falter or fall simply because she grows weary and tired. be that girl. be that man. be the fighter.

be that person who goes into doing a thing that seems so silly to the world, and comes out proving the world wrong by making the biggest or smallest changes in someone else's life/lives. be the life-changer, love-giver, hug-sharer, go-getter. 

i'm not asking you to solve all matters with violence or sheer force. i'm asking you to not give up so easily. ask yourself why you even started doing this in the very first place and contemplate on that reason. if it doesn't seem like a good enough reason for you to continue anymore, then fine, don't. but if it is, and all you want to do is give up because you're so exhausted, then don't. life is a marathon, not a sprint. you can't expect to give your everything for two days then get a month-long rest. life doesn't play fair, but that's what makes it so challenging and interesting. challenges are tough, sure, but God made these challenges for you so you can pass them. imagine a teacher giving a test to their students: would they not set questions accordingly to what the students' had studied? now apply that to God's way of doing things. it is the same.

so pick up those challenges. embrace them. you may end up in bruises, cuts, wounds, but it's the scars that stay and tells each story so clearly. 

so go out there. stop being such a wuss. 

stop sitting around waiting for miracles to fall from the skies.

if you're in the middle of a challenge, don't give up yet.

if you've finished a challenge, start a new one.

if you're in any of these situations above, congratulations, you are a fighter, and you are living your life.

BONUS : a happy song for y'all who're going through some tough times.