crisis.

here's how the saying goes:

you're either in a crisis, heading into a crisis, or coming out of one.

it's only truer than it seems to be. our lives are made up of crises. without these catastrophes, we don't learn. we don't grow. we don't push our limits as God push our buttons. He makes us depend on Him, pushing us out of our own stubbornness, trying to rely on our own strength and abilities. He allows us to be in valleys so we finally realize how awesome a God we have, and then call out to Him for help. His help comes immediately.

God has a strange way of working things out.

but i'm not coming out of a crisis(even though it may sound like i am).

i'm amidst my crisis now, struggling, trying not to drown. trying hard to swim against the current, to stay afloat, to breathe. nothing much has been going right: not my search for an internship, not my performance in school, not my emotional state, not my relationship with friends, not my family's health and financial situation--no. nothing has gone down in flames yet, but everything has been rocky terrain. there hasn't been any fruit, and it's only been disappointment after disappointment.

i'm not going to lie--it's hard.

it's hard when people ask you how are things going, then you tell them, and they can't seem to understand even when they try to. it's hard when it seems like things could be much worse, but you're not feeling any better about it anyways. it's hard when you pray and ask others to pray but nothing has happened just yet. only bad news upon bad news, and some mildly good news.

it's hard, but i'm not going to give up.

there's a difference between surrendering it to God and giving up.

typography does not belong to me.

unpopular.

it took me a long time to finally realize and acknowledge it, but here's the thing: i'm not called to be popular.

to be painfully honest, i've always wanted to be popular--and at the same time, i never wanted to be popular. i wanted to be liked. i wanted to be the person who would always make a crowd laugh. i want to be the confident girl who is funny, outspoken, and loved by all. but i never wanted to do it, because i've always knew, somehow, that i'm not built to be charismatic, and even if i can, it would be something that is created and not innately in me from the start. it would be a facade.

so today, i hear from God.
i'm not called to be the popular girl.
to be liked by many, to be making people laugh, to be the class clown, to be the most cheerful, optimistic, loud person in the room.

i'm called to be different. quiet, yet powerful.
and by different i don't mean talented, gifted, or out of the ordinary. yes, i could be all of that, but i know what kind of different i am. the sort of person people don't really talk to and laugh about the things i tell them. the sort of person that is so easily overlooked sometimes, because we're so used to being alone. the sort of person who feels like an outcast, who can be forgotten, or placed aside, or less liked because of our overly-specific thoughts and overworked emotions.i know i am called to be different because i was all of these.

i know i am called to be different so that i know who to look out for.
who to not forget. who to not leave behind. who to listen to.

i'm called to be unpopular.
don't get me wrong, this isn't a pity party post fishing for compliments. this is me, telling you how i truly feel. and this me, telling you that maybe, just maybe, you're called to be something else from what you had wanted to be, also. trust me when i say it won't be as bad as you think it might be, for not reaching your expectations of what it should have been--what you should have been. but God has bigger plans, much bigger plans, for all of us. and i take pride in being different, set apart from the usual crowd.

God has a plan for you.

#discplesnotdependents

the sounds of a Sunday evening was slightly different today. instead of music from my laptop or voices from behind a microphone, we heard each other. the clinking of glasses and slightly exaggerating laughter echoed within our ears.

three years ago, we barely knew each other. most of us came from outside the big city, wide-eyed and innocent. we knew not what to expect. i, for one, who was one of the only people from the big city itself, but i knew lesser than you did. it had only been six months since i said yes to Jesus. i still had no idea what i was doing or who i was going to be. i still had no direction, no clue, no purpose.

three years ago, we had people looking after us, making sure we were settling in alright and doing okay with our lives. they comforted us and encouraged us. today, we are the ones taking care of the new students. we take them in under our wings so naturally because we know, how it was like to have arrived in a city with almost no one to call friend and nowhere to call home. we are one another's home away from home.

this is the result of discipleship. and i see it happening already even today at church. fresh faces who were once shy, talking to newcomers and making sure nobody was left behind. this is the power of discipleship. we don't just pass down our authority, we pass down our hearts directly to the people. we are prepared to be vulnerable and honest because we don't want any walls or lies to hinder our relationships. we want to stay true to one another.

we are willing to give you our hearts, our passion, our dreams.
and when you resonate with our vision, you would do the same.

it's simple, really.
whose lifestyle are you choosing to follow?

i choose Jesus.

inspired by true events.

i can't tell you.

i can't tell you what had happened in details, but know this: love was there.

no, not the responsible kind of love between family, where you sometimes feel obliged to say 'i love you'. no, not the love towards your children, where you adore them to bits and all you hope is for them to grow up okay--whatever your definition of 'okay' maybe. no, not the romantic kind of love between a boy and a girl or any other genders--whichever way you swing--where you find yourself smiling, heart beating too fast, blushing, warmth reaching from the ends of your hair to all of your fingertips.

no, not that sort of love.

but love was there. a very specific kind of unconditional love, where you need absolutely no reason to love someone, except simply because they are who they are. the type of love that asks for nothing in return, yet sacrifices all for you. a combination of both nobility and humility is found in this sort of love, where it expects nothing, and only seeks to love forever.

yes, love was there.

warm, bright, and happy.

sunflowers are my favorite flowers, and both sunflowers and the sun has been quite a significant symbol all my life. it starts with Gensomaden Saiyuki, a manga adaptation of Journey to the West, where Goku, the supposedly Monkey God, is in love with the sun. he describes Konzen's (the first person who loves him like a son) hair to be golden like the sun, shining brightly. this is one of the comics i grew up with, and i had learned a lot from it. this story is precious to me like we are to God. Goku's pure love for the sun, simply because it gives him warmth and hope, makes me smile. 

and then we have Vincent Van Gogh and his well-known 12 Sunflowers piece. Van Gogh lived a rather sad life. nobody liked him and nobody appreciated his art. he was depressed, and in the end he took his own life. what he had left for the living, and for all future generations, however, was not just his sob story. it was this piece, and many more. it was hope, light, joy, that he had left for us. he had created great masterpieces, and it was a shame for him to have died before the world realized his talents, but i would like to think that it was not much of a shame, because his works lived on, and it never stopped bringing smiles onto people's faces.

the last would be Tae Yang. now you would wonder why i'm mentioning a k-pop artist's name here. well, i had my k-pop phase, and Tae Yang was the sole reason why i even got into k-pop. Tae Yang, his stage name, means 'sun' in Korean. the reason why he had picked this name is because he hoped for his music to shine like the sun, and to give hope and warmth to people through his singing. his hardwork and determination inspired me a lot through my Form 6 years. he taught me never to give up, and his smile always made me smile in return. 

now these three things may not make a lot of sense to you, yet to me, these are precisely the things that kept me going. before i encountered God, these were the sort of hopes i tugged onto. the sun. a field of sunflowers. light and warmth meant a lot to me. i kept hoping and dreaming, because i knew the power of hope. that there will always be light. and then God finds me and i know for sure, that there is a light brighter than all lights, and a hope stronger than all hopes, which lies in Him. sunflowers remind me of warmth and light. it is a flower that faces the direction of the sunlight. it is loyal and endlessly hopeful, always seeking out the light. 

to me, i'm the sunflower and God is my sun. He guides me, and i follow. (:

that's why sunflowers are my favorite, and that's why both sunflowers and the sun mean so much to me. 

“I believe in Christianity as I believe that the sun has risen: 

not only because I see it, but because by it I see everything else.” 

― C.S. Lewis

the beauty of God's children.

the beauty of God's children is not in their perfection. it is not in the way they pose themselves, or in the beautiful houses that they seem to all live in. it is certainly not in their perfect pronunciations, nor it is in their heritage. it is not the white pearly teeth that they have, or the eternal kindness and grace that they seem to never run out of, or their amazing smiles, or their incredible voices, or their intelligence--it is none of these.

the beauty of God's children is in their struggle.

where they are in the darkest, most hopeless valley of their lives, and they've been stuck there for days, weeks, months, years even, and they curse God, and they yell at Him, cry out to Him, unable to understand or comprehend why they were in this valley. and the change that is inflicted upon them by Him, softens hearts and crushes desolation. they hope again, even though it hurts like walking on shattered glass. they pick up their dreams again, even though it's been the thousandth time they've been disappointed. they try to be courageous again, taking up the risk of probably getting killed.

the beauty of God's children is not in the change that they experience, but in the whole experience. from darkness to light, that is the beauty of it. that we are all God's children, broken as heck, and He still loves us. we are far from perfect, and we are all made so differently. we're brought up in different circumstances, backgrounds, environments; we're loved differently and taught differently; we're different, but we're all the same in God's eyes--we're His children.

the beauty of God's children is in our struggle.

our constant struggle to run back to Him, every time we find ourselves far away, broken, hopeless, afraid, selfish, angry, sorrowful, desperate.

the end is the beginning is the end is the beginning is the--

it started off with a simple question about five weeks ago. Charissa asked me if i wanted to be a part of the camp committee, and as per usual, without thinking much and having no reason to say no, i thought, why not?

but from the very beginning i knew i had entered the committee with the wrong attitude. the wrongest. i went in with an attitude thinking "hey, these people need help", instead of "hey, God's calling me to serve Him". my journey during the four weeks of planning was very rocky with the committee, what with me being very hormonal, emotional, sensitive, afraid--all things attacking me at once. all that was repeating in my head was "i don't belong, i don't belong". halfway through i even told the committee that i wanted to quit so badly, but i knew i couldn't and had to push on with whatever i was dealing with because i couldn't just bail on a team of people who trusted me to get the job done. gritting my teeth, i pushed on.

meeting after meeting, it got a little better. i felt more at home because of certain people, but mostly, because i was adjusting my perspective and mindset. i wasn't doing this for them anymore, i was serving Him. i needed to know that, and i needed to get back on that right path: serving God and not man alone.

sure it was hard. i had never had such crazy emotional turmoils before this. never before had i rejected myself so much for what i loved doing, and denied myself the joy of serving the Lord. more than that, never was i given the chance to be so honest with my emotions, both with God and with people. i was at the brink of giving up almost at the end of every week, but i couldn't just stop. Jesus made sure i didn't.

i was still skeptical even a day before camp. that i wouldn't be able to be happy at the end of the day, and things would just turn out bland. that i might just go back into my hole and hide away behind my camera. forever. it's okay, don't need to talk to people. don't need to--

and as usual, i'm wrong. camp was much greater than i have ever expected it to be. i didn't get to meet everyone, but to be able to see these people everyday for four days straight, to be able to spend time with some of these people, talk to them, even if it's just ten or fifteen minutes, it's worth it. learning from the committee members was perhaps the best part. they're so passionate, so down to details, so determined to get things done, while i was just, there. i can only sum up this experience with 'incredible'.

God comes. He fills us with wonder. when we're broken and lost and alone, He reassures us, comforts us, and tells us to go back out into the world again. we're shaky from what we just experienced, still afraid, but He holds onto our hands, and lets go when He knows we're ready, even when we think we're not. but all the time, He's watching us do what He has called us to do, smiling as we run, we sink, we drown, we fall. He'll always be around, ready to love us, no matter what.

always the little things.

to sit on the bus next to you, taking in all of the beauty God has created, and that you have captured, from within your magical electronic box that is known as an iPhone. quietly you scrolled through the photos you took, each instilled with flooding wonders of amazing views that is Japan, explaining bits here and there while smiling, thinking back about your vacation. i peered through the window on your phone through to another dimension, stared at the loveliest yellow flowers and purple lavenders that was only beginning to bloom, and wondered about my dream to go to Japan one day. 

to walk towards the end of the pier when everyone else was busy talking and taking pictures to be stored as memories, and just listen to the ocean speak to me. its waves rolling in and out since the beginning of time, its depths unknown and filled with life--once, but not anymore. now filled with filth and garbage, my heart wept a moment for the sea creatures that was once majestic and glorified, as they too are creations of God. the sunset was calming, and for a very brief moment, you thought the wind was the sky breathing, huffing breaths of cool breezes onto your cheeks, like a father would do to his daughter, to cheer her up. it was quiet, and it was breathtaking to be alone with God.

to sit in near to complete darkness, seeing that the roads were lit only with the overly-bright orange streetlights which glared at our faces. the bus droned through the winding roads, threatening to lull us into sleep. but i refused to close my eyes, for i was wide-awake, happily listening to you speak. the enthusiasm in your voice, the dreams and hopes in your voices, it made my insides feel warm, my internal organs hugging one another tighter, as though recognizing and acknowledging your aspirations. i could only imagine the day we would part ways and return home, connected only through the digital universe. so i just listened, silently, and tried to pin down how your voices sounded like, like how i would write down favorite quotes or lyrics in a book.

to drown myself in quietness, to be away from the crowd when i was awfully confused and swarmed with mixed feelings. it was strange to see people recover from such emotional news rather quickly, while i needed time with God to put things down, set things aside and really realize what was going on with my life. these were not the most important people of my life, but their loss had impacted my mediocre life anyways. and i felt the grief. the pain. above all, i felt the emptiness. i knew how it feel, to lose somebody, to not be able to see them for the rest of your entire lifetime. it's always a surreal experience. but we pick ourselves up with Your help, so i wrote and wrote and wrote, and You listened. You never left me, not even for a single, fleeting moment. 

to stop in a crowd of more than six hundred, to watch people hug and laugh, speak and cry, it became a memory that was etched so clearly into my mind. you gave me one of the longest, warmest hug one could ever ask for, and i was never so comforted. the warmth that passed through our bodies was soothing. if only everyone could give sincere hugs like these. i could feel Your warmth, through Your people. 

it's always, always the littlest things, that makes the biggest differences. 

Acts Campus Camp 2014: Restart.

Acts Campus Camp 2014.

there's nothing like it. it's so difficult to explain it in words. to be back at the exact location where my life had changed forevermore, it was nostalgic. but to be back at the same place in a completely different position and perspective now, looking at fresh faces and brand new flames wanting to put God first, it's incredible. to be able to stand on that same ground, but feel so different entirely, and look from such an entirely different perspective, it's amazing. 

two years back, when i was in that same hall, i knew nothing about God. i knew nothing about Jesus. maybe, i knew a little bit about Christianity. but i wanted more, so i gave my life to Jesus there and then. after four years of struggling with this faith, i gave in. i gave in to a world filled with wonders, miracles, supernatural forces and divine powers. i surrendered myself to Jesus just as how He surrendered Himself to the cross for us. i was completely clueless what sort of a world i was bringing myself into, absolutely oblivious of what a church was, what denominations meant, what the technical stuff were--not that it was the things that mattered the most, but it matter anyway. all i wanted, was Jesus.

last night during Ministry night, i received it. 

after i had accepted Christ, i had seen Jesus move mightily in my life. blessing me, giving me favors i never deserved or even asked for, bringing my family one step closer to God; but i had always felt one step further from God compared to my friends. i had always felt like i could not connect on a very personal level with Jesus and hear His voice. i didn't know how to discern my own will from His; my own thoughts from His.

it was made clearer last night. i was placed in a position where i could now be praying over people's lives instead of just waiting to be prayed for. i was given the authority and power to discern on who i felt led to pray for. i walked around the hall and found a friend, whom i knew was still struggling with family problems. i asked her if she had been prayed for, she said no. i asked again if she wanted to be prayed for, she said 'anything'. i asked about the situation at home. she said, 'it got worse'.

my heart sank. and my chest started to hurt. it wasn't the sort of sharp pains you get in your chest, it was the sort that occurs when before you were going to cry. the sort of emotional pain. it flooded my heart. i knew, that i wasn't going to walk away without praying for her. as i begin to speak, even at the first word, i was already choking up and trying hard not to let the tears fall. i knew it wasn't me, and it was the Holy Spirit working through me. i could feel her pain, and i just kept praying. it was intense for me. never before had i been in a situation like that. 

but it was out of the world. it was supernatural. it was God.

this camp really put me through a whole new level of faith. i do want more of Jesus now. and i do want to serve Him more, listen to Him more, read His word a whole lot more and gain knowledge. i want to know Him more. this savior of ours. 

it's been a great restart. here's to a new beginning, where everything can only go up from here onward. meeting back with the family in Christ at camp was great, and getting to know new people was even better. being able to jump and dance and sing my lungs our during worship was awesome, and being able to quiet down to listen to His rhythmic presence was priceless. 

nonetheless, above all else, getting to get so close to Jesus, was the best. 

and i only want to get closer now.

fifteen: wonder.

i wish i could show you pictures and describe to you in perfect little words and phrases what i had seen and heard and felt today. i wish i took a video that spoke directly to all of the people's hearts in the world. i wish i had captured fantastic photographs and wrote incredible poetry on my little trip today--but no, some impacts cannot be made unless you are there on the spot. in the field. you must see with your own eyes, listen close with your ears, touch with your hands, speak with your mouth and stand with your own two feet on the ground where it is considered sin, where lust runs wild and greed creeps in every corner of the street. you must stand there, and walk the soil beneath your feet, march a confident march, and know that you are His. and that all of these people, they are His as well.

my trip tonight to Geylang was good.

good is the only word i have to describe it. because i think i've lost the ability to describe the whole thing in exact words. there are no exact words to tell you what i saw and how i had felt. there are none. the closest, however, is that while i was walking through the alleys with my friends for a prayer patrol, i thought a lot. i thought about these girls and wondered if they were afraid, sad, or happy. i thought of the pimps' everyday lives--lives during the day and not in the darkest night. i thought of their living conditions, and the girls' working environments: was it clean? was it safe? how were their clients treating them? were they willing or not? is this rape with consent? and i imagined. 

after the whole walk (or during, i can't remember the precise moment), i knew i wanted to write about a pimp's daily life. so here we go. 

THIS IS COMPLETELY FICTIONAL.

i rub my eyes. the sunlight is hot and bright. these curtains are useless. i add 'curtains' to the mental list of things i should buy when i have enough money. i never have enough money. because of these goddamn smokes and my goddamn bad luck streak in freaking gambling. i never have enough money. but that's alright. i like to work. i work only when the sun goes down. when the lights come on and when i bring the girls out. they like me. they like men. they're good girls, them. i protect them. i give them good portions of money from work. enough to get by, just like me. people are yelling outside my tiny room. goddamn people. shut up. it's noon and i need sleep, you idiots. i add 'new house' to the same list. maybe that was already in the list. i dunno, i have lots of things i want to buy when i have enough money. 

maybe i'll quit the smokes one day. maybe i won't. 

i'll never stop working though. i like work. i don't have to work in the day like most boring people do. i love my work. they're still yelling. what the heck are they arguing about? i stand up and reach for my pack of smokes. i light one up and breathe in black. the smoke fills my room. it's hazy and i almost choke. i had forgotten to open the windows. the air seems mustier than ever today, but the skies are a pretty shade of blue today as well. birds flying, cats mewing. it's hot, but it's a beautiful day.

bright and beautiful.

fourteen: the house of God.

going to CCF today was actually, i think, the first time in a while that i feel quite welcomed. not just by the spirit of God but also by the people. both were very, very welcoming today so it felt really refreshing. it was exactly what i had asked for. Pastor Martin, at the end of the service, mentioned resting in God, and truly that answered my prayer of desperation last night. i was running low on inspiration and felt quite horrible for not being able to draw for my friend on time for a 30-day challenge, and also i was feeling awful for not missing home. i realized last night that i didn't miss home at all even though my family needed me to help them move, so above all i just felt like an irresponsible daughter, a child who is having too much fun and is growing so selfish, so full of her own human desires that she's happily forgetting her roots.

nevertheless, the altar call today at church was so timely. to be reminded that Jesus knows us all by name, it really hit home. sometimes i felt like a dot in a million other dots, just another girl who is asking too much from God all the time. but today i know i was called to be someone for God, and not just anyone. i know i'm still on a vague path of surrendering my gifts to God, but being reminded that we are in a position where we can give up our gifts for God and even things that we dream of, desire of so deeply, that really struck me and as though His voice was speaking directly at me, it was saying, "I am worth sacrificing for."

i had to understand that.

i had to come to a point where i needed to be honest--dead honest with Jesus, and no longer shove my 'tiny' or 'petty' problems under the rug simply because i think it's not worth God's time. every problem we have is worth His time, believe me. i'm just realizing, at this very moment, that God has been speaking to me through the tiniest notes that i make from Homes and from church. that we should pray for everything and anything. that we should, and we can declare His name on anything, even for problems we take for granted.

today more people came to talk to me as well (: which was a pleasant surprise. i got to make some new friends, and friends i've already met before actually came to say hi to me, which was very heartwarming. going to dinner with the bunch was a nice experience. i hardly spoke, but i didn't feel trapped or cornered or even alienated. i was part of the group, and i think i just took more interest in looking at people and hearing their conversations. good food with good company. i know at some points it felt like i couldn't fit in either, but that happens even back at home so it's normal for me ahaha. i'm actually quite surprised at myself that i didn't feel even more upset or disappointed, really. maturity level up? perhaps.

all and all, it was more than i could ask for today.

thanks, God.

thanks for e-ve-ry-thing.

You're the best, and You always will be.

twelve: blessed.

testimony #1: 

my friend Kelvin found out about David Choi's surprise fanmeet at Singapore and he immediately notified a bunch of us to get the tickets. this was such a golden opportunity to not just meet the boy wonder David Choi in person but also 2/3 Wong Fu Productions and our very own Jin&Reuben!

meeting them was such a blessing! David was a hugger, according to my friend haha. he hugged me even though i didn't ask for one, which was really nice of him. i drew them all little cards of themselves in like 20 mins, which was crazy-rushed and i wasn't fully satisfied with the results but i knew i had to do it. the looks on their faces were priceless, especially Wes, when he was the only one who realized i just drew it for them hahaha. i think he saw me drawing in front of the stage.

nevertheless, it was such a fun time with these guys, just watching them. i know now that one of my dreams would be to work with Wes or watch him work. not to say i hate Phil and Ted and the rest of Wong Fu, but there's something about Wes' style and attitude that really attracts me. he's also the designer of all the awkward animals, i think. real down-to-earth people right here!

testimony #2:  

because i had to attend this fanmeet in the afternoon, i wasn't able to attend CCF yesterday, so i went to visit New Creation Church instead, which was probably the most happening church in Singapore hahaha. the size of the church definitely shocked me, and the fact that we had to wait in line to get in and things like that, it amazes me, what people go through each week just to get into church to meet God. 

okay but here's my testimony. so i didn't take a picture but their communion 'wine/bread' looked like this:

and it was being given out to people as we switched escalators (the theatre had 3 different floors and i think it was on the 5th floor onward. theatre was in a mall). i didn't know what it was at the moment and only when i went on the escalator i realized and saw that people were holding their communion bread and wine. so, quietly, in my heart, i told God, it's alright, it'll work out somehow. or else i guess i won't have to take communion. it's fine i guess.

as the worship session was over, it was time for communion. so i looked around awkwardly, still hoping some ushers were holding extra communion sets, but nope, no one was giving them out anymore. then this aunty who was sitting next to me kinda nudged me a little and told me "i have extra" and just gave one to me. i was in shock. i was prepared to not take communion, to just say a little prayer in my heart and apologize for my blurness, but God insisted. He wanted me to partake in communion. 

it was such a blessed time at NCC, and truly this was something i thanked God for.

testimony #3:

i was supposed to volunteer for a local soup kitchen team this evening, but i felt really tired from the volunteering on saturday and sunday's fanmeet that i had to decline and told my friends to go on their own instead. i felt a little guilty, turning them down and leaving them on their own, but most of all i was worried, because it wasn't exactly the same location we went last week, even though it was around the same area.  

at around the same time today when i was worrying about this, i received an e-mail confirming with me whether or not if i was attending a meet-up thing for exchange students. finally i replied them yes, and shortly afterward, the lady in charge of the soup kitchen texted me that they didn't need so many people today so all of us didn't have to go! that took the boulder off my chest and i felt relieved.

#testimony #4:

i had a short break in between classes today and i went to the Forum Bookstore to buy candy. i stumbled upon a stack of books on sale and managed to get a book that i actually needed for only $5! it was the exact same version except maybe slightly older. but i was happy nevertheless!

#testimony #5:

so i came back for the exchange students meet-up thing thinking that i would need to pay $4 as mentioned in the e-mail, but after a good time of getting to know new friends and eating away, my new friend Abigail told us the exchange students did not need to pay.

and in between all of this, i saw Michelle Ng post this on Facebook today.

the caption said:

"Just received a few more @ActsCampus Camp signups here at #ThirdFloorSS15. Even before the actual camp begins, mountain-moving testimonies have also been pouring in, especially after students choose to step out in faith despite challenges in finances, family persecution, exams and classes.. Young people can make radical decisions for God. And God will honor that. Let the revival lifestyle begin. #RESTART2014 #IAMREVIVAL

Have you signed up for your life to be changed? What are you waiting for!"

believing for MORE!

next up : actually receiving my scholarship!

hoping to receive it BEFORE i go back for camp so i can return money to my parents!

ten: back on track.

so i went for UTown CF(i think? haha not so sure but i know it's a campus-wide one) tonight and had a great time studying God's Word there. being able to share thoughts, stories and experiences, it kind of opened my eyes to yet another world i have not seen before. to a world of different Christians but most of all, to just a huge world of God's children, all made in His image but all same and different simultaneously. it's a wonder, really. to be able to see different spirits, different opinions, different attitudes. it's humbling. to take it all in and think, wow, God, this is all You. 

i also felt very encouraged by a friend who told me how thankful she is to have me here as a sister in Christ to guide her and just be a friend to her. i never really saw myself in a position where i would begin speaking into people's lives, but now i see where i am and i think, i can do this, with You. only with You. it's amazing, how God orchestrates events and brings people together. we adjust our focuses together and we look to God at the same time, all while encouraging one another never to stray away, never to give up, never to look at our problems and think: whoa, look at these problems i have. they're huge.

instead, we look to Jesus and know that our problems are tiny compared to His capabilities and abilities. 

it's been a timely reminder, God.

to come back to You in a time of trying to catch up with studies, volunteering work and even getting to know people. everything's so new that even getting to know You has become somewhat a new experience. and that's great, because we get to see You in a brand new light. we get to mature, to grow in You, and see that nothing is ever more important than You.

thank You Lord, for tonight.

for all that i have. 

for all that You have called me to do.

thank You, above all, for saving my life.

home.

you know something hits home when you walk into church, and you smile to the sight of people praying together in little groups. you smile to the music, and you smile at a friend--a brother--who is so dear to your heart. you both look at each other for a while, both with smiles on your faces. you know you're late, but there's something in the air that sings so dearly to your heart.

you know something hits home when you spend 15 minutes in church--just 15 minutes--and you feel the Holy Spirit pouring into you. tears are rushing to your eyes and you don't know why. all you know is that you're overwhelmed by this great happiness, this massive wave of gratitude and joy, so pure that it hits your heart right in the middle. right. in. the. middle. and you want to cry, because everything is so in place--not perfect--but perfectly in its place. 

home.

this is what it feels like to be home.

suddenly, God reminded me of how i may miss this when i'll be in Singapore. i think He wants me to bring it there. He wanted me to remember those very moments. as every face smiled, as every voice prayed, as every cry of praise cried out so desperately and gloriously, i was there to witness it. i was there to experience it. 

i was home.

you know something hits home when you enter your church and you don't see a building with walls and pillars, chairs and tables, mic-stands and microphones, musicians and instruments; instead you see spirits, and you feel the Holy Spirit moving so mightily about us. you see miracles, you see love, you see hope, you see Jesus in the room, not just floating about, but you see Him in so many people's lives. the indescribable joy that flutters from your heart to your face, evoking a smile so genuine that you find it hard not to embrace.

i'm home.

perspective.

hello.

i've been meaning to write here for the longest time, but i found myself elsewhere every single time : from dance practices to church to writing in my own journal to reading reading reading and more reading to actually doing assignments to going for classes to hanging out with friends to taking pictures to living life and not having time to blog--*takes a deep breath* phew. that was an awfully long list. but yes, i've been everywhere. and i've been loving it.

well, there are parts that i don't like as much (psst the assignments part), but i find myself living life very hopefully with a carefree manner recently. i am so blessed with inspiring friends, new opportunities around every corner, great lecturers to learn from (albeit some of them do have murderously boring lessons) and just experiencing the whole thing. 

anyhow, speaking from a Christ-believer's point of view, i've realized a thing or two lately. 

ONE : humans were made with a desire to worship. 

look at your life. look at the things or people you love the most. do you not worship them? in a sense, we all worship something/someone. i used to worship music. music was all my life. it spoke to me like no one else did, it stayed by my side as i was sad, down or depressed about life being a shithole. it didn't leave. it didn't disappoint, and if i didn't like a song, i was always free to delete it and download another one that i liked better. i worshiped bands who spoke positive messages into peoples' lives. from 30 Seconds To Mars to BIGBANG, i worshiped them all. what they spoke mattered to me.

then i turned to Christ. and really it was pretty much the same--except you know now that really, absolutely nothing can go wrong. and even if it does, you know God's got your back. that whatever is going wrong is a process He is putting you through so that you can learn and grow. and that brings me to the second point.

TWO : your perspective changes COMPLETELY when you are saved by Christ.

i can witness for this. i was not a Christian until i was 20, and before this, i never liked Christianity or Christians. it was never exactly an issue to me either, i just didn't bother to think or ask about it until my brother told me about it. eventually i got saved and for the past 1 and a half years since i was saved, i have learned SO MUCH. my perspective has changed tremendously. from feeling like 'i hate my life, life sucks like crap' to 'God will always make it better'. from 'i am worthless' to 'in Jesus' eyes, everyone is worthy'. from 'i can't do this anymore' to 'with Christ anything is possible'. 

it's insane. i never would've thought i would be so involved in church. i never would've saw this coming. i would've laughed if someone told my high school self that this would be my future. i would've peed in my pants. but look where i am now. i am more extrovert than before and i am stepping out of my comfort zones a lot more than i used to. going to church has taught me how to lead, how to care for others, how to work with others, how to design, how to do photography, how to manage relationships and so much more. 

(i never meant for this to be a church/christian post, but it's so hard for me now to not even talk about church in real life, let alone virtual reality.) 

so yes, hi, i wonder, what/who do you worship in your life? 

or really, what/who do you believe in?

(no sarcasm intended ok. serious question.)

how do you reassure your love for someone when you've gotten so used to loving them?

ask yourself this : when was the last time you told/showed your family you loved them?

me? not too long ago, maybe, for my mom. but when you're stuck with limited knowledge and education, and when your son is away in another state for work, and you have been more dependent on your daughter ever since (anyways), apparently that love needs to be refreshed and reassured quite frequently. tonight, i put myself in my mom's shoes. her perspective. to be a mother with two children--one already 25 and working, the other entering her second year of university soon, and to be a woman with a considerably tiny social circle consisting of her clients, siblings and old friends, you truly wonder where, when and how she deals with her emotions and stress. as her daughter who is supposedly the one who stays at home and isn't supposed to be so actively involved in church work as her son is, i know my mom depends quite a lot on me.

it's frightening for her, i think. 

it's frightening that her only source of dependence, maybe, is slowly walking out on her. 

my mom isn't very educated. both my parents did not enter university, even now there are times when i feel embarrassed and frustrated because they can't understand my hopes and dreams. i still hate it when they inject that realist point of view into my future life. to them, financial security is an unchanging thing--something important that will always keep you safe and never betray you. to me and my brother, that important thing is God. Jesus' love. period. 

the reason why i am even writing this is because my mom just told me off (sorta) about how i can visit a church friend who had recently given birth to a newborn baby but i couldn't do the same for her when she was in the hospital for her sinus surgery. i wanted to make up excuses just to speak against her. i really did. but i didn't. because, i knew i could go. i knew that i am a growing child who is slowly losing focus of my priorities. i value my friends in church more sometimes because they feel more like a family to me sometimes, but i forget that it is my parents who actually raised me, fed me, educated me and gave me education--and without all of that, i would not have been where i am right now. i would not be who i am if it weren't for my parents. 

this is a wake-up call. 

we must realize that our parents are people too. our parents are our friends as well. the generation gap only causes certain obstructions in communicating, but there shouldn't be anything else standing in your way between you and your parents. it's so hard for me to be a friend for my parents because honestly, if i don't see them as my parents, i wonder sometimes how is it that i'll be able to love them and vice versa(if the situation was reversed). even when you realize at some point, that you've gotten so different, so distant from your parents, that you just have that gut feeling that you will never share the same views ever again, you must persevere. you must still care for them like you do to your friends. you must. it's a responsibility God has given to you, dear girl/boy. you are the sons and daughters of your parents, and you must honor them. love them always and remind them about that love on a daily basis. 

sit together and talk again.

p/s: here i was, yesterday, saying i don't have content to write about, and God gives it to me straight in my face tonight. thanks, Papa God. initially i wanted to write this in my journal, but i think this deserves to be shared. 

p/p/s: i will start writing letters to my dad soon enough, because i don't know how else to communicate with him.

You.

i am reminded today, that i am a Christian not for my own purpose, but to serve a limitless God, i am who i am and where i am to make a change in God's name. i am here to be a blessing to the world, i am here to tell you that everything's going to be alright with God's unconditional love, i am here to make a difference.

Lord Jesus, please continue to steel my mind and give me that mindset wherein i am here to bless people and not just receive blessings from You; that i am here for a purpose--to reach out to people who have never heard of You. i want to tell of the truth i believe in, i want to tell of the unconditional love i am given, i yearn to shout out to the world of your amazing qualities: you are always faithful, you never forget, your grace and mercy always follows us. you are hope, you are faith, you are love, you are all things good.

i want to whisper into people's ears--people who think they are broken and can never be fixed, people who have lost a loved one and blames God for it, people who are filled with remorse, hate and contempt--i want to whisper into their ears that You are the solution. You are the beginning and the end. You are all they need, and You are all i want. i want to tell them that it is so easy to fall in love with You. Your amazing grace and everlasting love, You are all we need.

for every soul we win oh Lord, we rejoice in You. i pray that You will use me to reel in more people, to inspire through Your works, and to bring people to their knees before You. i recognize Your love, Your authority, Your greatness. You are God and God only.

continue to build me, make me grow, oh God.
and nurture me in the way You would to Your disciples.
i long to be like You.

always TGIF.

so i thought i'd share some of the videos i saw today that made me smile.

here is Gabe Bondoc, a Youtube singer who has a very, very special place in my heart, singing John Mayer's Stop This Train, which is one of my most favorite songs in my entire lifetime so far.

here is Wong Fu Productions' newest video, Expired!, and believe me, it WILL crack you up. the amount of bromance and drama in this short is fantastic.

last but not least, the most pleasant surprise of the day yet--Jinnyboytv's newest video on Chester See, Jason Chen and David Choi's time in Malaysia for the IM4U event. 

the surprise? 

my artwork is featured at the end of the video!

albeit having to wake up early for a last-minute cancelled class, i think this was exactly what God had in mind for me today. a good, contented day ahead. Big Campus Welcome Party is happening tonight, and although most of the people i invited told me they won't be able to make it, i'm just hoping for the best and praying that God will touch lives. 

have a great Friday and weekends y'all!

turn to You.

good news, bad news, news, in general.

1. my friend got me The Fault In Our Stars by John Green for not much of an apparent reason(not that i am aware of), and i feel extremely blessed. even though i know i probably won't have time to read that.
2. going out with my friends make me realize that i am becoming a somewhat stingy person. i keep saying i want to buy things but when i see stuff i want i have a hard time deciding if it's the right thing to buy.
3. church has been a whirlwind of serving and camp and inspirational moments. i'm tired but it's the good sort of tired. the kind of tired that when you lay down on your bed, you think of the things you did today and smile.
4. one of my course mates is going to pursue law. although she is only switching courses within UM, coming from completely different college residences and none of the same clubs, it's going to be a lot tougher to actually see her around often. she goes for her first law classes on Monday. life is hard. (i'm happy for her that she's finally going to do what she really loves, but still sad that she won't be around us as often anymore)
5. i've volunteered to be part of the All Out team, but now that my friend is going to the law faculty, i'm not sure if she's going to be able to help out there with me anymore.
6. U-Turn fast and prayer begins this Saturday and i am praying for a personal breakthrough. it's nothing much for God(well, nothing is ever much for Him), but it means the world to me. it would feel like rebirth.
7. i still haven't spent my book vouchers. 
8. i want new caps/hats. 
9. i'm dancing tomorrow and i don't know what to wear.
10. PTBC is happening next Thursday and i am going to be an emcee for the first time in my entire life. speaking Mandarin Chinese. in a cheongsam. in heels. possibly make-up.
11. choir is happening on the Sunday after PTBC. oh choir.
12. i have entirely forgotten about the fact that i need to design for Acts PJ.
13. life is a mess right now. a literal mess, because the good stuff and the bad stuff are all mixed together all over the place. i'm not entirely sure what to feel except thanksgiving. 

God, i'll turn to You when i am unsure.

if not now, then when?

it’s 1:28AM right now. i am physically tired, but i just felt so urged by the Holy Spirit to write down my thoughts before i actually forget them.

checking on the updates from my social media platforms (from Facebook to Twitter to Instagram), i notice that joining a Dream Team and serving at church is not an obligation, an impulsive action or even driven by a pure naivety. at the beginning, i thought it was impulse. i thought it was the right thing to do, because i was so hungry to serve God and do more things for Him. so i joined in on things. i try to learn.

joining Lightbulb was probably the silliest thing to do. that was definitely impulse. i joined Lightbulb with an attitude not to serve God, but to learn how to dance. obviously it doesn’t turn out to be as easy as i thought(what does, really?), but throughout the process which is even going on right now, i learn. i learn that dance is not a series of movements, and truly acknowledge its ability to express. i learn about leaders and people who come straight after work just to learn dance. i learn that i’m a whiner. i learn that i’m no dancer. i learn of the weariness on everyone’s faces after two hours of practice, and we’re all still willing to get back into positions when the music plays. through events or happenings which takes place during the process of practices, i learn to want to pray even more specifically. i learn that i am growing, albeit slowly, but still growing. Lightbulb has the most amazing leaders and people to learn from, and i cannot ever stop learning from these wonderful and awesome children of God. i am completely blessed to even be in a performance.

joining the Acts PJ Host team is also a surprise to me. i think i just got greedy and wanted to be more known. although most of all, i wanted to know more people in church and actually recognize these people who come to church. the Hosts team are the people whom church-goers first meet and see the last. we are the ones who greet them with a smile, and it’s a strangely wonderful thing because when i see someone heading my direction when i am in the all-black Host team uniform, it is entirely effortless for me to curve my lips upwards and shake their hands. it comes so naturally.

the Angsana community service brightens up my Saturdays. even though it’s a drag to wake up early even on Saturdays, when i see the kids at Angsana, i am instantaneously reminded of pure happiness. teaching the children English proves to be a chore, yet when i finally manage to make them understand and comprehend something, i feel that satisfaction in my belly and the looks on their faces are priceless.

now, i am offered to be part of Heidy’s Refuge For The Refugees core team,  and my friend still encourages me to join the Acts Design team.

God’s blessings are just pouring in, and the fact that He is offering me so much is just amazing. as much as i hate not having enough time to sleep, i know, doing all of this is to please Him and spread word about His love for the world, and if i could do this, it brings me joy as well.

this has been a boring post about my journey with Christ so far. this is written mostly just to be kept as a record.

i pray that i will be able to grow into a selfless, strong, honest, down-to-earth, caring leader.

someday.