the end is the beginning is the end is the beginning is the--

it started off with a simple question about five weeks ago. Charissa asked me if i wanted to be a part of the camp committee, and as per usual, without thinking much and having no reason to say no, i thought, why not?

but from the very beginning i knew i had entered the committee with the wrong attitude. the wrongest. i went in with an attitude thinking "hey, these people need help", instead of "hey, God's calling me to serve Him". my journey during the four weeks of planning was very rocky with the committee, what with me being very hormonal, emotional, sensitive, afraid--all things attacking me at once. all that was repeating in my head was "i don't belong, i don't belong". halfway through i even told the committee that i wanted to quit so badly, but i knew i couldn't and had to push on with whatever i was dealing with because i couldn't just bail on a team of people who trusted me to get the job done. gritting my teeth, i pushed on.

meeting after meeting, it got a little better. i felt more at home because of certain people, but mostly, because i was adjusting my perspective and mindset. i wasn't doing this for them anymore, i was serving Him. i needed to know that, and i needed to get back on that right path: serving God and not man alone.

sure it was hard. i had never had such crazy emotional turmoils before this. never before had i rejected myself so much for what i loved doing, and denied myself the joy of serving the Lord. more than that, never was i given the chance to be so honest with my emotions, both with God and with people. i was at the brink of giving up almost at the end of every week, but i couldn't just stop. Jesus made sure i didn't.

i was still skeptical even a day before camp. that i wouldn't be able to be happy at the end of the day, and things would just turn out bland. that i might just go back into my hole and hide away behind my camera. forever. it's okay, don't need to talk to people. don't need to--

and as usual, i'm wrong. camp was much greater than i have ever expected it to be. i didn't get to meet everyone, but to be able to see these people everyday for four days straight, to be able to spend time with some of these people, talk to them, even if it's just ten or fifteen minutes, it's worth it. learning from the committee members was perhaps the best part. they're so passionate, so down to details, so determined to get things done, while i was just, there. i can only sum up this experience with 'incredible'.

God comes. He fills us with wonder. when we're broken and lost and alone, He reassures us, comforts us, and tells us to go back out into the world again. we're shaky from what we just experienced, still afraid, but He holds onto our hands, and lets go when He knows we're ready, even when we think we're not. but all the time, He's watching us do what He has called us to do, smiling as we run, we sink, we drown, we fall. He'll always be around, ready to love us, no matter what.