no regrets.

i just registered my courses for my second semester of my 3rd year today. it's happening. it really is happening.

suddenly i will have no more minor courses to take, and i'll be graduating in a year's time. suddenly we will all want to cherish all the times we have, but we'll still make the same mistakes of doing all our assignments a night before the submission dates. suddenly we will take all the time we have left on campus, try not to countdown to the end, and make every moment count by spending as much time as possible with all the people you love on campus, whom you may or may not see on a regular basis after you graduate. because you know how easily it is to drift away from one another without that daily routine that glues all of us together. you know how people let go and move on with their lives. one more year. roughly 16 more months.

it's more than just a little strange, spending half your time with friends you've met for barely three years, trying to figure out your adulthood and maturing at the quickest rate ever. no wonder they say college friends are the ones that last the longest. or did they? i don't know. all i know is that these faces, that were so fresh to me just three years back, are now some of the closest friends i have. these same faces, are some of the most passionate people i am so privileged to be able to learn from. these people have taught me so much, inspired me on so many levels, and stayed by my side even though i am the whiny, physically weak, overly-emotional person that i am.

soon we will put on our graduation robes and hats, say our goodbyes, and hope that our farewells are not as dramatic as Hollywood movies depicted them to be. i can only hope, with the strongest desire, that we will not truly go our separate ways, but we will find one another again, when our paths cross and when our dreams collide.

here's to the final 1.5 years left in one of the most significant times of my life.

what have you done?

teakets.

never have i put myself on the front line like this, surrendering my heart to friends and trusting them almost a hundred percent. never have i felt a relationship so close, like family, on campus, until this semester. 

what have you done?

what is it that made me open up like it's so easy?

that i can now share my problems with people so much more easily because of them.

because of you, i am braver.

because of you, i am bolder.

because you told me so.

i don't know what else to say, other than thank you and thank You.

You, for orchestrating all of this to happen,

and you, for being a part of my journey. 

i'm still learning so much from you.

all of you.

and i think, 

i can't let go.

what have you done?

this is tugging on to my heartstrings too tightly. 

i'm knotted into your lives now.

we're all tied together.

what have you done?

i feel

vulnerable.

but for you, my dear

i shall be so.

merry Christmas, love.

the end is the beginning is the end is the beginning is the--

it started off with a simple question about five weeks ago. Charissa asked me if i wanted to be a part of the camp committee, and as per usual, without thinking much and having no reason to say no, i thought, why not?

but from the very beginning i knew i had entered the committee with the wrong attitude. the wrongest. i went in with an attitude thinking "hey, these people need help", instead of "hey, God's calling me to serve Him". my journey during the four weeks of planning was very rocky with the committee, what with me being very hormonal, emotional, sensitive, afraid--all things attacking me at once. all that was repeating in my head was "i don't belong, i don't belong". halfway through i even told the committee that i wanted to quit so badly, but i knew i couldn't and had to push on with whatever i was dealing with because i couldn't just bail on a team of people who trusted me to get the job done. gritting my teeth, i pushed on.

meeting after meeting, it got a little better. i felt more at home because of certain people, but mostly, because i was adjusting my perspective and mindset. i wasn't doing this for them anymore, i was serving Him. i needed to know that, and i needed to get back on that right path: serving God and not man alone.

sure it was hard. i had never had such crazy emotional turmoils before this. never before had i rejected myself so much for what i loved doing, and denied myself the joy of serving the Lord. more than that, never was i given the chance to be so honest with my emotions, both with God and with people. i was at the brink of giving up almost at the end of every week, but i couldn't just stop. Jesus made sure i didn't.

i was still skeptical even a day before camp. that i wouldn't be able to be happy at the end of the day, and things would just turn out bland. that i might just go back into my hole and hide away behind my camera. forever. it's okay, don't need to talk to people. don't need to--

and as usual, i'm wrong. camp was much greater than i have ever expected it to be. i didn't get to meet everyone, but to be able to see these people everyday for four days straight, to be able to spend time with some of these people, talk to them, even if it's just ten or fifteen minutes, it's worth it. learning from the committee members was perhaps the best part. they're so passionate, so down to details, so determined to get things done, while i was just, there. i can only sum up this experience with 'incredible'.

God comes. He fills us with wonder. when we're broken and lost and alone, He reassures us, comforts us, and tells us to go back out into the world again. we're shaky from what we just experienced, still afraid, but He holds onto our hands, and lets go when He knows we're ready, even when we think we're not. but all the time, He's watching us do what He has called us to do, smiling as we run, we sink, we drown, we fall. He'll always be around, ready to love us, no matter what.

thoughts #5: East Asia Regional Conference 2014.

Awesome God,

E.P.I.C. Generation.

this is my first ever conference in my entire life, and i dedicated it to such a massive-sized one, complete with a myriad of East Asian nations and its diverse cultures. i've talked to people from such different backgrounds and circumstances, all ready with stories to tell. so it would perk up our ears and we would listen so attentively to all of the different stories. 

i found myself gravitating towards the Singapore delegation most of the times, perhaps already feeling the subtle and invisible connection (that i could have been possibly just imagining) with them, having had done my exchange there. my heart remains true to Malaysia, but Singapore now has a very special place in my heart, and after this conference, all of these countries have found a new sort of definition and face in my heart. i am able to see the world so differently now, so huge, even in God's eyes. everything is so interconnected and interlinked that we will not be able to function properly without one another. 

but like i said, unlike other nations, Singapore has gathered a rather special spot in my heart. perhaps i did not stay there long enough, and perhaps i had my scholarship cover my living costs very abundantly, so i did not feel the high-level stress described by most Singaporeans, but i continue to love this country dearly anyways. mostly because i feel awful that stereotypical Malaysians and Singaporeans cannot and refuses to get along with one another. when a Malaysian thinks of a Singaporean, and vice versa, we do not feel happy. we feel the need to defend our country from another country that was once part of ours. we become instantaneously very colonizing and power-crazed. the pride is strong in both nations, both wanting to defend their own resources and wealth, but both never really co-operating to do something of greater good, together.

the notion of even wanting to make Malaysia and Singapore collaborate on almost anything can be viewed as a ridiculous idea.

yet i've grown so much respect for both my home country and our little neighbouring country, constantly wanting to be nice to them, befriend them, and hope for the same as well. for how different are we, when even two ethnic groups of the starkest differences may unite more effectively than we do. 

it's been a very long while since i've written here, because i never knew what would be appropriate content to put up anymore. i've been writing rather frequently in my journal though, so it's still good.

anyways, i feel a lot closer to Singaporeans than ever before. strangely. even though they probably do not think the same at all. haha. and this could just be a phase, but as long as it is a phase, i will be praying for Singapore and Malaysia. to establish better relationships and wipe out the past. to achieve better results together. different results. to be able to connect with one another and realize, we're really not that different.

are we?

i think not.

stutter flutter.

i've been planning a trip to roam about Singapore on the second day i get there. Singapore is exciting me and i can't wait to be there to live on my own for five months. it's scary and exciting but mostly exciting. i'm writing here now because i'm afraid. not just for Singapore but for my exams. i really hate exams. the times when you are tested on how well you are able to swallow all of the things you've learned in the past 14 weeks and then vomit them back out on pieces of paper within 2 hours. 

oh exams. you poor baby, i don't think anyone loves you.

also, making a detailed list of things that i want/should bring to Singapore is proving to be a massive headache. there are obvious things that i want to bring but need not to, and there are those sitting on the fence. i don't know. 

i'm just writing here 'cause i'm nervous about exams okay.

-rolls-

also i really want to catch up with some friends before i leave for this wonderful journey. 

so, catch me if you can (:

(pun unintended)

p/s: i'm just really panicky and jumpy right now. mostly because of exams.

Christmas, don't come now.

my mind is in a very conflicting state right now. as much as i can't stop it, a part of my mind doesn't want Christmas to come. because Christmas nearing means i have less time to finish my assignments, prepare for presentation, brainstorm gift ideas, organize a Christmas event--just, stuff. stuff to do. a long list of stuff that i wish i don't need to do but obviously would have to complete. 

i sometimes still do curse my strong dependence on sleep and my inspirational moments that usually only happens in the night. why, oh why? my body desperately needs sleep, but my mind is wide awake with all these thoughts, these crazy thoughts. 

there's so much to do, but here i am, writing things that aren't even related or helpful to my assignments. well, it certainly helps my soul to calm down. 

advice for myself in the following weeks :

1. go to bed on time. do not spend extra nonsensical time on the internet staring at news feed refreshing itself. if you're spending more time awake, be productive. read. draw. write. watch a movie, even. just don't go to Facebook and drown your sorrows in it. it doesn't work that way.
2. attend classes and listen. take notes. stop giving yourself excuses to skip classes or tutorials, no, not even those that's about to happen on Friday nights. 
3. spend less time on Facebook and Instagram. spend more time listening to music. 
4. keep your momentum going. get enough rest but also don't slack. keep filling yourself up with stuff. 
5. pray. talk to God. listen to God. read the Bible. pray again and again and again. (this shouldn't be just for the following weeks, but for a lifetime)
6. stop asking your friends out. starve a few nights. you're not going to die. 
7. ask questions about stuff that you don't know or don't understand. be brave. be bold. and think. think a lot.

but oh, don't come just yet.

Christmas would mean rest, but it would also mean the end of all my deadlines and tests. 

keep me, Jesus. keep me near.

turn to You.

good news, bad news, news, in general.

1. my friend got me The Fault In Our Stars by John Green for not much of an apparent reason(not that i am aware of), and i feel extremely blessed. even though i know i probably won't have time to read that.
2. going out with my friends make me realize that i am becoming a somewhat stingy person. i keep saying i want to buy things but when i see stuff i want i have a hard time deciding if it's the right thing to buy.
3. church has been a whirlwind of serving and camp and inspirational moments. i'm tired but it's the good sort of tired. the kind of tired that when you lay down on your bed, you think of the things you did today and smile.
4. one of my course mates is going to pursue law. although she is only switching courses within UM, coming from completely different college residences and none of the same clubs, it's going to be a lot tougher to actually see her around often. she goes for her first law classes on Monday. life is hard. (i'm happy for her that she's finally going to do what she really loves, but still sad that she won't be around us as often anymore)
5. i've volunteered to be part of the All Out team, but now that my friend is going to the law faculty, i'm not sure if she's going to be able to help out there with me anymore.
6. U-Turn fast and prayer begins this Saturday and i am praying for a personal breakthrough. it's nothing much for God(well, nothing is ever much for Him), but it means the world to me. it would feel like rebirth.
7. i still haven't spent my book vouchers. 
8. i want new caps/hats. 
9. i'm dancing tomorrow and i don't know what to wear.
10. PTBC is happening next Thursday and i am going to be an emcee for the first time in my entire life. speaking Mandarin Chinese. in a cheongsam. in heels. possibly make-up.
11. choir is happening on the Sunday after PTBC. oh choir.
12. i have entirely forgotten about the fact that i need to design for Acts PJ.
13. life is a mess right now. a literal mess, because the good stuff and the bad stuff are all mixed together all over the place. i'm not entirely sure what to feel except thanksgiving. 

God, i'll turn to You when i am unsure.

forward.

here comes that time when i give that speech on how time flies and it's about time for me to go back to university life again. as unwilling as all of my university friends would be, it is something i least look forward to. coming back home for four(well, technically three because during Chinese New Year we go back to my parents' hometown) weeks is like getting my old life back. campus life is something i hate and love, a relationship similar to a number of other things in my life, such as food. 

going back to university means work, work, work, work and less sleep. but going back to university also means friends, doing a whole lot more new things and stepping out of my comfort zone. like i said, it's a love/hate relationship.

for the past three weeks i have been watching movies, catching up on the entire Lizzie Bennett Diaries, watching Pushing Daisies, not reading a lot of books, not drawing a lot, and going out quite a lot. which is good. oh and, i've been serving in church as well, which is really exciting because everything is new to me! dancing, hosting(and by hosting i mean the house sort of host not the microphone sort of host, we're more like ushers), drawing/designing, filming for the tiniest bit, and getting to know more people whom i really, really look up to. all is great.

so as much as i am partially afraid/anxious/nervous about going back to university and having a sort of double life again(coming home each weekend proves to be a comfort and a distress sometimes), i am glad. i am glad to even have a university life, and i am glad that i am where i am right now. 

i suppose that is all i have to update you. 

i get particularly lazy when it's the holidays, so i don't really do much. 

looking forward to second semester?

yes and no.

last but not least, have a happy Chinese New Year and a great Valentine's Day!

who you are.

time to be bold. time to be fearless. this is your chance, this is the opportunity you've been waiting for. time to be weird, be whimsical, be nonsensical, be you. remember how you said you don't seem to try very hard at times? well, here's your chance to try a little harder and not actually give up at the first try. offend him, pester him, bother him, be persistent and annoying if you really want this. be honest, be straightforward, be more than anyone ever could be. 

Awake.

after a night of fun and games with the choir team during practice, i'm still not okay. still not feeling okay, still feeling like a blade had cut through my chest. i need a break. the church wasn't joking when they said the entire church is going through some sort of trouble one way or another. the entire church is being tested, and here is my test. here is my test where i cannot give my answer, here is my test where even if i give my answer it will not be accepted. starting to doubt God's plans? well here's about the right time. but doubting does nothing. doubting only leaves you in a mess of questions. believing and trusting is gonna hurt a lot more, yet it's the only real thing i can do now. it's the only hope i have left.

i don't feel like going to class, i don't feel like doing my work, i don't feel like anything at all. 

this isn't a dream anymore. you are not asleep. you are wide awake. 

you're real, and everything else is real, and there's nothing you can do to stop reality from happening. 

Purpose.

all week long i've been reminded of perseverance. to persevere in all things. to be patient, to push on, to keep on asking, to never, ever give up.

Perseverance.

that's right, with a freaking capital P.

today our lecturers met up with us to talk about how the English Course is getting lesser intakes every year, so this year, being our lucky year, we're told to only take one stream of the supposedly two existing ones. okay, let me tell you about the English Course in the Arts and Social Sciences Faculty of Malaya University. the English Course is basically separated into two streams as we enter the 2nd semester--English Studies and English Literature. the first stream focuses on the English language while the latter focuses on, well, literature.

let me set some things straight first, though.

1. i don't consider myself as someone who is amazing in the language of English. i mean, really, look at my blog. look at the words i use. look at the puny size of my vocabulary. i'm not.

2. furthermore, i certainly do not consider myself as someone who is knowledgeable in the field of English Literature. at all.

but there's a reason why i wanted to get into the English Course of the Arts and Social Sciences Faculty. i wanted to do literature. i wanted to learn. i was going somewhere where i thought i could learn all sorts of cool and awesome (again, note my vocab, it's not that fabulous) facts and theories on English Lit.

today, i am stripped of my freedom.

today, i am a minority.

(this is sounding like a really terrible dramatic post. i apologize.)

yet it's true. due to the little amount of intakes we have this year, the department is forced to only teach one stream as they are low on manpower as well. (teaching a class of four would be tedious) i understand the intention, the reason behind all of this, but--well, i just feel sort of cheated. it's really not the prettiest word i would use. i just feel hurt.

look where all of this has brought us to, though. i'm here, blogging about it. i'm talking about my feelings. i'm still believing, still holding on, still persevering. sure, i feel like crap, but really, that will pass and i'll still have to come back to reality. things will get better, because they always do.

just a rant. life moves on.