now.

today, my laptop crashed a couple of times and i was wondering if i had too many files on it, so i looked through my photo folders to see what i can delete, but i ended up on memory lane.

the pictures i have on my computer go only to five years back, when i had just gotten my new digital camera and i was so happy to be able to take pictures of everything and everyone. the lighting in the photos seem so poor to me now, but the people in it, their radiance and youth were captured and stowed away in a digital format. then i saw it. i saw myself.

i saw myself in longer, stringy hair. i saw myself in awful jeans and stupid jackets. i remember thinking that i was being very unconventional, not knowingly understanding that i was just being all out weird, who was, essentially, me. i cringed not just at my physical appearance, but the way i carried myself. i remember who i was five years back, when i was eighteen. i was the girl who was afraid to be herself and only got to be all out weird with her closer friends. i was the girl who did not know yet, who she was entirely, or what her purpose was to be. i was the girl who was shy, timid, and often taken advantage of because of my inability to turn down an offer to help others. i cringed even more, knowing how lost and confused i was, just five years back, and how much i tried to be someone i was not. i tried to be who the world wanted me to be. i tried to be happy without knowing who i am.

five years down the road, as i open the folder that said '2015', i recognized the girl in the photos to be myself. although i went through a series of experimental short hair, i ended up in a hairstyle that i really liked. i saw xinwei. i saw xinwei because i know that this girl, in 2015, has found purpose, and joy, and a direction in her life. she has found her identity. i saw someone who knew that she was more different than the usual kind of different, but pushed through and insisted on going against the current anyways, in spite of the difficulties and whatever the society was telling her. she found her identity not just in God, but in her friends, in her family, and in what she was passionate about.

it took a while, but she made it.

i'm not exactly at the pinnacle of my life right now. it's not like i don't have a single worry in my head and am doing all things with ease. but i'm glad i turned out better in five years. i'm glad i got to know myself a lot more through God, and other things. i'm glad that i'm still in the midst of figuring things out, because i believe that is what life is. we don't always know the whole plan, but we carry on with faith.

most of all, i'm glad that i like who i am today. i'm happy with being who i am today. not everyday, but at least on most days, i'm glad that i am who i turned out to be. i look forward to the future that God has in store for me.