adulthood: not what you think it to be.

hi. 

this is me.

i had chosen this photo because this is how i usually am in photographs. i don't really like to take nice-looking ones, as you can tell. i think smiling for a camera without actually feeling joyous is pretentious. and i don't feel the thrill of joy almost all of the time i get my photo taken. 

i'm turning twenty-three this year. now, why is that an important fact? because today i am going to talk about adulthood. yes. i said the a-word. today i am going to talk about what it takes to be an adult.

truth be told, i have no idea. 

i don't think anyone really knows--no, not even the adults whom you think are doing a great job at doing adult things like banking and paying their taxes. no. i don't consider myself much of an adult who has authority over people. honestly, but lately i've realized that more and more i am given that authority to speak over people's lives. that i can do it, i just don't believe very much that i'm good at it. 

you see, adulthood is about figuring things out. there is no rite of passage in the modern society that after you enter into it, you come out a changed person--an ADULT--and suddenly gain all the knowledge on politics, global economy, astrophysics, and ultimately, how to differentiate a latte from a flat white. there is no such thing, unfortunately. people don't just gain these information overnight (unless they read a lot in one night, theoretically it is possible). people learn. adulthood is defined by your experience. what you know are mostly the mistakes you've done, and what you don't know, are the mistakes you're about to make.

i think we associate the word 'adult' to a lot of things--but mainly expectations we think we will never be able to achieve. five-figure salary? antique china set? loans and investments? purchasing a brand new car and getting the insurance for it? most, if not all of these things, seem very large and out-of-the-world for me right now. i say 'me', because i know there are people my age, or younger than me, who are so much more matured than i am. age does not define your maturity. like i said, experience does. 

but adulthood is no mystery. it shouldn't be. adulthood, as i will tell myself many times in the near future, is something that needs to be explored and figured out on one's own. adulthood, is defined on your terms. adulthood is not just about banks, loans, mortgages, sales, recession, fine dining, faraway vacations; adulthood is about maturity. it's about taking responsibility and knowing how to deal with these things in a balanced way. it is admitting shame and guilt and pride. it is sucking it all up even though you feel like the bottom of the ocean, because you know better not to make your day worse. it is remaining a child at times when you need that inner child of yours to come out and play. 

really, it's up to you to decide what adulthood is to you. 

hi.

my name is xinwei.

i'm turning twenty-three this year.