since Wednesday, i've been stuck in a downward spiral of obsession and addiction. truly this has given me a very tiny glimpse into the world of addiction, because i was hooked to being a somebody to people i hardly knew but was on the main stage. for days, i felt more important than usual.
why do we continue to look to others for reaffirmation and reassurance of our own values? this obsession drove me to even go back and watch more performances like other fangirls would do on what, a weekly basis? it was a privilege to be recognized. to be known. it felt very personal, and i felt very loved, to be honest.
but today i realized that just seeing them again yesterday, i'm already feeling deprived today. this is what addiction feels like. you will never get enough. you will never feel satisfied. i had to recognize this problem and acknowledge it, hence i'm writing about it now, seeing how it's really stopping me from doing the most essential daily stuff. i've put aside my own priorities, or worse yet, God's, for these boys. these people who perform on stage, who will maybe remember your face after a week or two, after a month or two, but will never really be your friends.
if they do become your friends, then good for you. but it almost never happens. there is a barrier between performers and the audience that restricts this movement. and you can only wish and wish and wish that they live in your life forever. so you go back for more. and repeat the cycle. it's pretty vicious.
i can only be a mindful supporter who is truly a fan of their music and their performances, instead of a mindless fangirl who thinks all of the boys are so heartlessly good-looking and awesome. just awesome will not cut it. these people have definitely inspired me, and they continue to, but i need to make things clear to myself that it is completely unnecessary for me to be a fanatic.
supporter not fanatic.
appreciation not obsession.
love not addiction.
admiration not envy.
there. i think i've calmed myself a little bit.
and behold, my original Cruisers.
(from left to right: Izzy, Roel, Aaron, Tim)
meanwhile, i need a break from all these (REALLY GOOD) 50s music before i drive myself toward insanity.
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