coming home sometimes feels more like a burden than a comfort.
i'm sorry, i didn't mean to start off this post with such a depressed mood. coming home also means something else, though : silence. it's amazing how quiet it gets in the house, and how i am able to hear my thoughts so clearly without having to wait until it's past midnight and i'm all alone, fighting the drowsiness to pen down my thoughts. when i'm at my dorm though, i don't get to be told what i'm supposed to do. that stress is gone, but with the absence of that particular stress as well is how i am unable to discipline myself to live a routine life.
honestly i don't know what i'm writing about anymore.
let me start from scratch. please bear with me.
it's only times when i come home that i get to think a lot, and that's not always a good thing.
i keep thinking i'm not doing enough, but i don't think i'm trying hard enough to do more either. it just seems like there isn't enough time for everything. and i must sacrifice certain things to do all of the things. like sleep. like friends. like money. like time. i want so many things. i want to grow spiritually, i want to gain knowledge, i want to read more, i want to draw more, i want to help out at All Out, i want to do well in my studies, i want to serve God, i want to make sure my parents are happy, i want worldly goods, i want to travel to some place i have never been to before, i want to get into a relationship, i want to see a polar bear, i want to--
but it's not always about me.
we all tend to forget.
don't we all wish it's always about ourselves?
don't we?
i'm only who i am when i am truly alone. waves of emotions strike me, slap me in the face, kick me in the stomach, punch me in the throat. i choke. i gag. i suffocate. i am always the one who ends up killing myself, over and over again.
i feel far away from God. i don't feel close enough. is it because there is still a hint of skepticism? i feel awful about how i feel. wish i could do better. i just want to make the world a happier place to live in. and i just want to be happy. that's all i want.
i'm home again.
i'm home again.
but everything feels so broken, so alone, so empty.
i feel powerless.
it wasn't supposed to turn out this way. i'm sorry.
1 comment:
"is it because there is still a hint of skepticism? i feel awful about how i feel."
^ This happens to me quite a bit, too. And then I feel awful about feeling that way. It's a kind of torture.
Ah *SIGH* But don't be too hard on yourself. When you list all those things it seems like there's a lot to accomplish and do and BE - but I'm sure you're handling it all much better than you realize. I think sometimes we're a little too hard on ourselves, or simply expect too much of ourselves. And I guess at these times we have to be our own best friends instead of our own worst enemies. Hang in there =)
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