thoughts #3 : against the current.

a drew this a couple of days back, and i couldn't really give much meaning to it other than i really like drawing white-haired people and i really love weird-coloured gradients, but now, now i can.

so here's the story behind this artwork:

my life is like this right now. my life as an artist. it's always hard to say that word--"artist". i never like telling people that i'm an artist/cartoonist whatever. i tell people i draw, or that art is my passion. even the latter seem a little bit tough. it is my passion, but it's not my only passion. anyhow, sorry about the digression. yes, it's hard saying the word "artist" because it has always seemed like a very professional term to me, reserved only for people who are either highly trained in the field, readily experienced, unbelievably talented or all of those three. and i am certainly none of that. i don't deny the gift that God has given to me. this is my talent, yes. but it's also another word i don't like to use very much. i like the term "gift" much better. a talent seem to suggest that i was born with it. 

i wasn't.

i was no child genius. i simply got better in art because it was the one thing i didn't get bored of. i'd like to think of it as His gift to me, and i always love sharing it. 

whoa, that was a really long digression. i apologize.

so yes, my life as a person who is passionate about art, is like this artwork now. blurred between the lines. my reflection is unclear, and often times it is reflected on a surface completely different from reality. i am lost. i do not know what is ahead of me or past me. i am within an indefinite space, completely disconnected from the outer world, the world you all know as reality. my reality is different from yours. 

and now, in human words.

i often find myself lost within a mindset where i often want to draw things for other people. don't get me wrong, it's not a bad thing at all. i love to bless people with my art. i consider my gift as a gift to others. i imagine it to be really cool to receive someone's drawing of yourself, or a representation of yourself. however, it leaves no space for myself. i do experiment with colours and composition and concepts (like this artwork above), but lately i keep finding myself wondering about how to make people like my art better. and that, is certainly not good.

when an artist thinks about how their art can be better so it may reach a greater audience, there are pros and cons in that idea. pros--well, you get your wider reach of audience. more people may see your work because they like it and are able to relate to it. cons? you lose yourself. you become the audience. you become a mindless robot who continually produces artwork after artwork, wanting to gain attention at every second. 

you see, i've never liked doing fan art. the only times i really do 'fan art' is when i do silly doodles on my physical sketchbook, usually renditions of novel characters that i am able to imagine or just characters i really like from certain cartoons or movies. i never really like to draw them digitally and colour them (unless i really love them), because i always think i'd butcher the character. it's fun to draw for my own pleasure, but i was never fond of the idea of putting my fan art up. the only reason i ever want to do fan art is either i do it for my friends, or i do it for attention. *beep: ugly truth time.

fact: fan art gains massive attention.

it gains attention because people already know what it is, and they love seeing different artists' renditions of the characters. fan art allows an infinite space of imagination. fan art bring fan fiction to life. fan art creates the impossible outside of the actual series/movies/cartoons/books etc. 

truth is, i've been straying away from myself. what i want to draw. and i should focus on that more instead of what the audience want. sure, demand is important. but if all i get are a bunch of people who only demand things that i do not enjoy doing, then what's the point? note to self: quality not quantity. i'll draw what i want to draw. not what the audience want. not what the Internet wants. not what my friends want (unless i am willing to draw for them). 

art is hard.

so i'll go against the current. against the demands, the popular demands. 

...maybe i'll start drawing really gross things soon. (: