the pain we feel.

"that's the thing about pain: it demands to be felt." 

- John Green, The Fault in Our Stars

hearing you ask the same question over and over again to someone else, i could hear in your voice that it felt more like you were directing it to yourself than to them. every time you asked that question, i heard myself break a little.

"are you okay?"

it's the last thing i ever want to ask anyone who is in pain. because it's obvious that the person isn't okay, yet you know not how to soothe the pain. what words do you use? what sort of actions do you make? what kind wisdom do you give? nothing ever seems to be relevant. there is no medicine for this pain. i wish there was. we all do. then it would be so much less complicated

do you lie awake at night, thinking about what could have gone right? about evading the inevitable? about her face, about his voice, about their smiles, about the memories? i do. i'm not experiencing it first-hand, but i think about it. i put myself in your shoes and try to imagine the pain, knowing that whatever i feel, must be magnified by a hundred fold to match what you must be feeling.

so i lie awake at night, thinking about all that you're feeling. not all that you're going through. you don't 'go through' pain or any other emotions. you feel it, at maximum velocity and then, impact. do you cry yourself to sleep? do you think about someone, and miss them really badly? do you look at the world and go, 'i've died a thousand times, but i need to be strong enough to keep going'? do you put up that front?

i'm afraid of that front. i'm afraid of the lies. the lies that hide the pain. the lies that you make up to distract yourself, hoping to move on, bit by bit. it's not easy, i know. it's no easy fight. and the worst part, is seeing you in pain, but knowing that i am unable to help you heal. not my words, not my actions, not my thoughts. i won't be of much help. only you can do it. only you can choose to heal or not.

but please know, that i lie awake at night, saying a little prayer for you, dear you, who is in pain. i pray for the pain to subside, for the people to stop hurting. for you, dear you.

the pain we feel, it's real.
but i'm here, and i will always be here if you need me.
a hug, a listener, someone to be quiet with--i'm here.