bad to good.

i had never liked talking about my childhood.

so many people get utterly excited when they reminisce on their childhood. moments when they fell from the bicycle and picked themselves up with or without tears in their eyes; moments when they were out playing in the rain, in the grass, in the mud, and coming home to a nasty scolding(which was worth it, according to them); moments when they swam and choked on seawater; moments when they made sand castles; moments when they were out, bound but also free all at once. 

i had never liked talking about my childhood, because i had none of that.

this is what my childhood looked like : put a little girl in front of a television set, with maybe some papers and art materials on the floor, and some toys lying around as well. can you see it now? i'm that girl. i love my parents a lot, but deep down within me, there is a part of me which will never, never forgive them and myself (for not fighting back hard enough, or for not trying at all) in creating such a sad childhood. i never did go out to parks (the occasional once or twice were the times that my mom fell and sprained her ankle or felt really warm and sweaty and hated the experience altogether), the times i did go out was on vacations with my family(which really were great, and i'm still thankful for those times, but as i grew up, i realized we did the same things annually, like a ritual), until now i am unable to ride a bicycle and unable to swim. also i do very poor in sports. 

the only real positive thing that bloomed from my lonely childhood as i watched my older brother go out to play without me, is developing the interest and perhaps talent, to draw. due to a one-time influence by my brother--who told me how Naruto was really funny--i began to watch anime as a hobby. before that, it was waiting for each weekend to arrive so i can watch them on tv, but at one point of my life, my cousin owned an anime/manga store, so i had the privilege to borrow animes and watch them all day long. 

those were the loneliest days of my life, but also the happiest of my childhood. 

all i had was my fictional characters, but they were so much more than enough.