participation.

today, Elder Adeline touched on regrets and taking the 'first step'.
today, i thought of fear.

i've always thought i've been pushing myself to do things i am uncomfortable with since accepting Christ, and that's the whole gist of it--to do things you feel uncomfortable to do because He wants and needs you to do it. simple as that. 

but here's the thing i'm really, really, really good at. i'm surprisingly talented in scaring myself. i'm really not sure if the Devil's got anything to do with this (because i don't like to talk about Satan or the Devil or demonic stuffs, as i believe it is not a deity that messes with us, but something that lives within us which screws us up), but i know that Fear loves me. she loves me, because i would always let her stay. i would let her linger in my mind and my heart; let her pick at me, bit by bit, until i am nothing but her own. 

i've always thought i had managed to defeat Fear with God, but really, there's a constant war going on in my head and my heart every single second of my life, and it's strange because i would never fail to bow down to Fear and suddenly just, forget about God's goodness. 

why do we live in fear?
why are we terrified by rejection, failure, disappointing yourself or others, anger?
why are we afraid of things that exist to encourage us, to push us on, instead of breaking us?

my only regrets come from my fears. the fears which led to not accomplishing certain matters. those are my only regrets. not participating. not obeying. not listening. only listening so closely to Fear herself. i am always fooled. but not anymore. 

i refuse to succumb, and i refuse to kneel before Fear.
i refuse to listen to her murmurs in my ear. 

be gone.