not so good.

i'm upset.
and disappointed.

i'm upset because i haven't gotten anything done for the past two days. things that needed to be done. i couldn't do it. i'm even more upset because i can't find the reason to it. i haven't tried everything, but believe me, i have tried to work. to create. i'm disappointed in myself for not being able to try harder. i guess i can still be pretty tough on myself at times.

nothing new.
i'm hardly even looking forward to my trip to Philippines next week anymore. although i do still hope it will be alright. i'm more worried about it than i am excited for it now, because it's the furthest i've gone so far. four hours of a plane ride. giddy up. and once again, it's venturing into a place completely unknown to me. sure it's exciting, but i'm always more anxious than thrilled before trips like these.

when have we stopped learning how to live with all these negative emotions? we have been taught to identify these emotions and rid of them almost immediately once we've found the source. so many articles and books and art are about being happy and staying happy, but i hardly ever see anything that talks about coping with negativity or actually living with it. what is happiness without unhappiness anyways? i think it takes real courage and strength to brace through a season of not-so-awesomeness. especially the kinds that you fail to explain in any way at all. things just fall apart, stop working, plateau into and endless void--inevitable things.

i'm going to be honest about this. i haven't been feeling truly happy for the past weeks. smiles, laughs, momentary glee comes and goes. it hasn't really stayed. don't get me wrong, i love the world. i love all the people around me, all the things i have and all the things that i don't. i can find so many reasons to be happy, but i just can't feel it.

i have been torturing myself with stress and anger recently, perhaps partly induced by my hormones, but mostly i believe it's just an inevitable part of life. on top of that, i've been feeling rather lonely. the sudden, dramatic realization that you don't really belong anywhere, and whenever someone tries to tell you otherwise, you find every little reason to convince yourself that it is not so.

i'm in no place to complain. but i do anyways, because i'm human and humans are rather annoying at times.