honest.

home-made.

honesty is painful. honesty is cruel. honesty is real. honesty is honesty.

the Internet today is the best example of honesty. comments of extremities, haters and lovers of the same person, it is a lack of fear to completely say what we want about that certain person, mostly because we don't know each other in real life and no one would really track you down if you said one bad thing because there would probably be at least a hundred more who said the same thing as you.

do we still feel hurt?

of course we do. 

i refrain, refuse to be honest with my thoughts most of the times, which is why i'd rather just keep quiet than to lie. but today i am making an exception. let me speak words of blades and knives and let them slash through your make-believe skin and flesh. this is not recklessness, more like just a random act of violence. or not. well, let's get starting. today, here and now, i'll be painfully honest.

here is a (hopefully not too long of a) list:

1. i really don't like my brother right now. i don't like the way he treats my mom, i don't like the way he treats his friends and practically everything else better than he does to our family. i don't like how he comes home and goes into his room and closes the door behind him. i don't like it, but i don't know how to fix it. i don't know how to mend things.
2. i am still pretty proud of the fact that i made myself a camera pouch. (from felt and thread and a button)
3. i feel desperately lonely at times it's terrifying. and overly-dramatic.
4. i want to be in love. i want to actually fall in love with someone who'll reciprocate the feelings. just because. it's a foolish age i am at.
5. i want to not be afraid. i want to be fearless. i keep wanting it but i don't seem to be any closer to it. or am i?
6. i am constantly feeling envious of others, lowering my self-esteem repeatedly; i am also constantly feeling better, more worthy of others. it's very self-conflicting. although mostly it's just envy and feeling pretty worthless. but distract me and i'll be back to normal. auto-pilot mode.
7. i really hate chasing material wealth. i despite, detest, abhor it.
8. i keep wondering if anyone really wants to date me. i know, i told you i'm at a foolish age.
9. i want to feel that contentment again. i'm rather pleased with what i have and what i don't right now, but i don't feel very peaceful inside, you know? i just, maybe, need to spend a day doing something i really like or just generally feeling genuinely happy. it's hard to come by, but it does, once in a while. 
10. i'm still waiting pathetically for someone to come and ask me about how i'm doing and really genuinely ask it. but i doubt that's going to happen and even if it does, i'll probably still turn it down and say goodbye or do something similarly stupid. 
11. there are so many things i hate in my mind. things i don't usually tell people about. i hate pretty girls because i am jealous of them. i hate girlie girls because of the same reason. i hate girls who are girls for the same reason. i hate it. i hate myself for hating them over such an imbecilic reason.
12. countless times i've wanted to yell profanities at the computer screen and myself. too many times. the hell is wrong with me?
13. i could be mildly bipolar. distractions are my cure. i could be insane, but what is your definition of mad? i could be all of the above. i could be a psycho-maniac-mass-murderer. i could potentially be that. 
14. it's so tough for me to smile right now.
15. i hate myself for whining so damn much. 

that is all. honest day is over. goodbye.

honest day is never over in my head.