not sophisticated enough.

i like to look from the sidelines. i like to not participate. it is my nature. i like to observe, to watch. sure it sounds absolutely horrifically creepy, but i am one of those people. i am a watcher, and my thoughts sprout uncontrollably sometimes when i simply, look.

that’s why i feel detached so easily. when you watch from the sidelines, you don’t get to participate—you don’t want to. this literally means you do not get together with people to do things. most of the times you are alone in getting tasks done, even when it looks like you’ve teammates to help you. that’s a whole new problem as well, i suppose. i don’t like people to help me, generally. i am a natural loner and i am proud of it. but sometimes, it gets too lonely.

and it breaks your mind.

other than being a natural loner/creeper/professional lurker, i am also a dreamer. imagination is my weapon, and the limit? there are no limits. i like to make up things. i like to wonder. from worldly issues to other-worldly ones.

the combination of these two makes me an outcast. it’s that strange feeling in your stomach when you’re surrounded by friends you know you love but you just feel so entirely out of place. that is my life. i was never born to fit in. from every phase of my life until now, i have never felt quite ultimately at home, not even with my own family. don’t even start on telling me to seek for assistance. this brings us back to point number two. i don’t like to seek for help. i’m pretty masculine in that sense. not only am i naturally shy but i am also easily embarrassed. hence, no, it’s okay, i’ll skip asking for help and just make mistakes until i get it right.

back to the outcast bit. let me tell you things that are about to blow your mind. i have thought about good and evil. why and how does it exist? never am i satisfied with the answer “because God is good, therefore everything that is not of God, is evil” or whatever along those lines. i know that could’ve been factually wrong from all perspectives, but you know what i mean. i have thought of a twisted world, where values are completely overturned—where bad is good and good is bad. i have thought of the existence of sin. who defines which attitudes are what sort of sin? how did pride become a sin? how did being gay become a sin? i wonder about the silly, selfish reason that i myself had made up : God allowed these things to exist so they can be fixed.

exactly the human mind speaking.

i am an artist. not a very good one, obviously, but still undoubtedly an artist. i think dangerously. my thoughts are not my own. they are wild and raw. they are not filtered, but they all stay in my mind. for fear. fear of rejection. fear of isolation. we do these silly things to ourselves, really. there are two beings now residing in my body : one, the normal—the person who wants to blend in, who wants to be accepted; and two, the outcast—the one who is unafraid of creating, blatantly spewing out thoughts that would leave the world in shock and in awe. i want to be both. i cannot be both.

this is the torment i experience daily.

one : the socially-conditioned. to be normal, happy, optimistic.

two : the inner mind and soul. to break out, to rebel.

i am who i am.